Deleting Posts on Facebook and Telling off “Special People”

I’m fed up after getting attacked and told off that “I brought this on [my]self.” I am so distraught over all of this craziness that I’m posting this here instead of getting things set akimbo. (The post will be deleted by the time I publish this blog entry…)

I went to the ER to have them look at my throat. I was attacked and hit once, in the throat and I let loose with a barrage of hits. Once “he” was down, I stopped. I went to the car and called the police. I told my side of things, “he” told his. No charges were pressed though I am considering restraining order against him.

This is so messed up!

I’m looking forward to my role and my work within KWTG QCA (Know Where To Go in the Quad Cities). This is something that is driving me ever forward. My passion is to make this happen! We are struggling less and less over the course of bringing this together. Nothing irks me more than having a conflict of interest even before this thing comes together… At least it’s taken care of before we start!

I want to get some things dealt with and some things will come as we progress. I can’t wait for that to come. I can’t wait!

Anyway, this is my tirade and I’m sticking to it! LOL ^_^

A New GoFundMe Campaign — Please Help

https://mytransgenderfriend.wordpress.com/admin-wp

This is my new link to my GoFundMe campaign.  I am in desperate need to get ot loving and caring friends in Illinois.  They are working hard to help me get to them and preparing a place for me to bunk until I can get settled into a place of my own.  This is something that I truly desperately need.

The environment I live in currently, deep in the Bible Belt, is rife with hetero-oppression and leftist Christian values.  I can’t function here without a job, as I have to pay for every scrap of medicine, every piece of doctor documentation and counseling for my severe depression, type 2 diabetes and my transgenderism.  I had to stop going to my clinic when I arrived at my eldest sister’s place because I don’t even have the gas money to pay for my trips to my clinic– the only one semi-locally– that deals with my types of issues.  This is truly unfortunate for me as I’ve been out of all of my medications for nearly a year.

I am barely functioning, barely able to deal with the things that I need to take care of myself and still try to carry on some semblance of transition.  I am crying writing this because I have no other outlets to turn to and no one else to even try to talk to.  This truly is one of my darkest days and my depression is creeping up on me; I can feel it like a little twinge at the back of my neck, as if someone is following me and observing me a little to closely, and far to adjacent to my current position.  I am so scared sometimes that I don’t even want to leave the house.

I was asked to go to the Tupelo Flea Market this past Friday and I felt like I was on display for my sister.  This truly sucked because I was ill before I went, I was slipping into a diabetic fit, and was getting sweaty chills.  It sucked taking off my outer jacket, to feel a little better, only to put it back on when we got outside when I started getting really chilled.  It was blustery that day.

I wanted to try to enjoy myself, but it really didn’t happen.  I was under too much stress and felt so alone there with my sister, her husband and my niece (her grown daughter).  What’s a sick girl to do?  I needed to eat when I got home, but couldn’t because my sister insisted that she would make something, then backed out.  She started feeling awful that day too.  I managed to make something to eat, ate it and went to bed early.  I keep getting ill here; not sure why.

I am also suffering from carbon-monoxide poisoning on a nearly daily basis with the LP space heaters they have in the house.  I get such excruciating migraines from the lack of oxygen that I’m literally wallowing in this dull, creepy feeling.  If I open the windows in “my” bedroom, I get chilled and the air’s a bit better, but I still have to go into the rest of the house and breathe that tainted air.  I hate it.  This is another reason for my depression; a deep-seated fear of asphyxiating in their home, and my sister not wanting to do something about it.  (I’ve asked her about ventilation, and she tells me there’s enough.  If their was, I wouldn’t be having this conversation and not experiencing these massive migraines.)

Anyway, I think I’ve explained much of the problems and craziness that ensues here.  I need to work on another project, but I can’t stop crying.

Please help.

Thanks.

I Feel Unimportant Today

Nothing has ever entrenched me in my own beliefs than when I finally realized I was transgender and did something about it.  Nothing prepared me for the endurance I needed to show the world my face, my mind and my soul.  I am human, and nothing beyond that truly matters!  When I am gone, will my legacy and the two sons I fathered really care that I was transgender?

I couldn’t begin to fathom that revelation.  Nothing prepared me for the loss of dear close friends, people I confided in when it mattered the most and the eventual loss of life that we all must endure when lost are the loved ones, called Home to Greener Pastures.

Nothing prepared me for the move to Mississippi from Florida.  Such a different and hateful place; moreso that I’m transgender; not to mention I’m lesbian too.  I have no friends locally; I have family locally, but many of them are distant or refuse to see me for the wonderful and lovely person I am.

I have become so much more than the sum of my parts, including my ‘danglies’ that will be dealt with soon enough.  I feel I am just trapped in a body that’s not even mine– I guess I’m renting it– until such time as I can make the renovations to make it truly my own.  This is the limbo, the Purgatory, I’m living in:  Not feminine enough for the trans-community’s most vocal pundits, and not lesbian enough or woman enough for cis-gendered lesbians and their unforgiving ilk.  Nothing hurts me more than to tell me “[you’re] not worthy!”

Dammit, I’m more woman than you’ll ever know, care to know, or experience!  Shove off…  Or as some of my British friends would say:  “Bugger off, Wanker!”  I’m fed up with this stereotyping and complacency in the groups and chats and pages of Lesbians and other Transgender groups on Facebook and other social media sites!  I created Trans Out World Magazine (http://transoutworld.tk) for all of is who have felt the harassment of “tranny”-chasers, trolling Christian hate-mongers, and other such unsavory miscreants.  Nary a day goes by when I’m accosted by scam artists from Nigeria, people who claim to be Americans willing to help me and yet demand money from me when I’m still trying to collect on my royalties, and others who just want me to ‘take it off’ and ‘show me’.  I’m not that kind of gal, and refuse to have long-distance masturbation sessions– HELL NO!– and that’s all sexting and chat-sex are; nothing more!

I am a woman of high morals.  I am a woman of decent standards.  I am a woman that loves the rich life, but understands I don’t have the budget for that.  My credit is poor.  I owe for student loans and I’m unemployed because I am unable to get out to find work; the internet is a lovely proposition, but there’s no one really hiring for anything that would allow for me to stay home and work and do my job– retail sales are taken care of by automated systems, tossed off to real people in warehouses and logistics locations, then shipped off to you– what part of this allows me to intercede or intercept anything in this situation from home?  Nothing, again.  My computer expertise is relegated to specific systems and application, of which I’d love to tutor, but alas no one trusts the ‘outsider’.

I have been writing for a long time.  Since before I realized I knew what the word “imagination” meant.  I was a smart kid, read far above the grade level (I was reading second year college in fifth grade), and I loved to play house, and dress up and tea party, and my dad wanted nothing to do with that.  He literally tried to beat it out of me at age 5!

I still love dinner parties and entertaining.  I love to cook and bake and make things happen in the kitchen; this time spent with my sister Cindy has proved challenging, but also enlightening and because I can assimilate a lot of things in any environment, I can work things out in my head for substitutions for people with food allergies, or the dislike of certain foods.  it’s works for many people, and it works for me:  I’m allergic to cinnamon and coconut, two healthy agents that help to curb hunger and lose weight naturally.  (Sucks to be me… LOL)

I am not usually this eloquent when I speak, but that’s all going to chance, and very soon!  I am working on several projects, the least of which if the aforementioned online magazine.  I want the very best for my Trans* Family!  The very best!  I am working on a trans-friendly homeless shelter, specializing in education, counseling for allies and trans, a safe environment from bullying and negative impacts, a location for those in transition to transition into proper residential situations, blood testing with an endocrinologist on site (hormones levels, HIV/AIDS, medical conditions), and a RNP on-site for routine visits and prescriptions.  I would also provide meals to homeless people, whether trans or not, and have a separate location, on-site- with a chaperone, for out trans-youth who have been put out of their homes due to unaccepting parents or guardians.

I am also proposing the creation of a charity organization called “Sisters’ Hearts Gateway” that will be available to provide, at little or no cost, resources for all of our Trans Family worldwide!  I want this charity to help provide employment, housing and educational assistance in the US, with branches in every country in the world.  I want to do this by the end of 2015.  This is no small task!

I want to make my magazine a printed publication for the Trans Community to make things happen and to give them a reason to no longer be afraid of coming OUT; let us help make that a reality for the many who are still closeted.  I also have three businesses that I can’t run on my own:  one is an indie game development studio, one is a graphic design studio, and one is a game guide and book publishing entity.  None of these are real without me.  None of these are here without me.  I am willing to go the extra mile to be the largest trans-employed entity in the world and it all starts with you:  family, friends and allies!

I need to get to Los Angeles and to document this all the way.  I am so nervous with anticipation that I can’t contain myself!  I want to get underway very quickly and be there before Christmas (or New Year’s Day) if possible.

I am a woman of vision and a woman of dreams!  I am a visionary and someone who truly cares about equality and human rights.  Please help me to achieve my goals, and through this effort, we can be proud to be called Transgender!  Please help me to make this happen!

A Plea for Help and Assistance

I have been struggling with my transition and these last two weeks have been outstanding. I finally found a primary physician who is willing to assist me in my transition and my other medical ailments, and a counselor who, though not fully up to speed with the medical needs of LGBT patients, is willing to do his own research to assist me in my endeavors.

I am looking forward to meeting with my endocrinologist around the 31st of July, as I have to reschedule the appointment due to another family member getting a surgery out of state that day. I have to babysit those three days (30, 31 July and 1 Aug). Not getting paid for it, either.

My plea comes from the heart. I am unemployed and have been for since the beginning of June. The job I had was not paying me every week I was working, just alternate weeks and had taken money out of my last check to pay a friend who worked there. (Took it out without my permission.) Also, he let me go because I informed the business owner, the office manager and my supervisor that I was not gay (as they had suspected, since I applied a a guy at my friend’s insistence) and that I was a woman and identified myself as female.

I put my plea on Facebook a few days ago at the behest of a close friend of mine from Iowa. I had four people offer me assistance, but of those 4, only one could offer some kind of funds. My friend in Iowa is in the process of sending me $18. It’s a start, but it’s not the whole amount. My first visit with my endocrinologist is going to be $355, not to mention medicine and hormones.

I asked one of my nieces, one who’s closer to me in age than any of my other nieces, to see if she could assist me in this. Here’s my plea:
– – – – –
i know it’s been a while. i love you no matter what. hope all’s good for you and yours.
i posted about having issues with my endocrinologist on the 31st and they want $355 for my first visit! ouch@
i’m asking for a small bit, not all of it. i had to plead my case and ask. i have had 3 replies (one was an offer of $18) the rest were b/c they were in the middle of their own crises.
could you help?
– – – – –

This is her response:
– – – – –
I have 3 children to take care of. ur kidding right? i havent seen or heard from u in how long? just seens rude to me that u rnt doin this for yourself. its ur journey, no one else’s! ask them, the ones ur living w or, another idea, get a job or seek assistance from the state for medical. i cant help u n wont. sorry. my kids need all we have, so do our bills.
– – – – –
[Inserted punctuation. – RobynnP]

So I retorted with:
– – – – –
i have been looking for work since i got to mississippi and had one, until i informed my bosses of my transition and what my goals were. i got fired over it. still cannot find work. anton and shaun don’t have the extra cash to spare; anton’s struggling for hours @ walmart. i have a hearing for SSD sometime in the next 20 months AND all i can get here is food stamps. everything else i have to pay for out of pocket– there’s no agencies or free clinics anywhere in mississippi– i’m running out of things to sell and i’m going to be starting with body parts soon. so why not cut me a little slack. i was only asking to see if you could spare a small amount (like $5.00 or so); not the entire frakking bill! i know it’s a struggle for everyone in this shit economy. i’ve had 17 interviews since getting fired at the beginning of june; no one wants to hire me. NO ONE! trying to get online work, that’s tough too. all i have is my games company and i’ve been struggling with that for almost 5 years (longer if you consider my loosely starting it back in 1995), and my computer repair/virus removal services. that’s hard to get work, tho i have business cards, and have put them out; no one wants to hire someone that has a long-distance number, even if i have the word LOCAL on the cards! you seem to think that i’m not trying. you seem to think that i’m taking this out on you; i am not. that’s not what i am seeking nor is that of any intent or goal. i am doing whatever i can to get this taken care of and with your attitude and sarcasm, i’d rather sell my soul to the devil and tell all of my family to *^@# off. you hurt me to the core by assuming i’m not helping myself. you can stick your sarcasm elsewhere. i will never ask you for anything again.
– – – – –
[Edited for names and cursing –RobynnP]

I am understandably upset. Moreso, I feel very depressed when someone whom I love dearly kicks me when I’m down like this. I feel so self-conscious and less than human when people whom I trust and seemed to be allies decide that I’m no longer worth their time and love.

What can I do? I’d sell a kidney for $25,000 if I knew it would be a legitimate practice and it was going to help some needy child live longer. I’d even donate my ‘male parts’ (that would be discarded during my Gender Affirmation Surgery) to a transgender FtM so he can be and feel whole. (I know someone who would benefit greatly from it, my brother-in-arms, Toren. Just wondering if he’d be willing… Just wondering…)

I don’t want to go to extremes, here, but I need help with this. If I had an opportunity to do some graphic design work for an advertising agency or a graphic design company to design banners, logos and other such things. I just don’t know where to turn.

I have contacted The Ellen Degeneres Show on several occasions only to get no response. My latest was just yesterday (24 July). I was trying to explain about myself and what I’m struggling with and what has happened with me since last October (October 2012), but it’s a little hard with a rough 2000 characters. I would love to have some kind of exposure and some kind of assistance to get me up and running, able to transition, work and make a living to support this, but it seems that I can’t even rub two sticks together to make fire, much less make money with it.

If there was anyone out there with any information that could help me, please drop it to me and/or send it my way. Please, anything would help: information, pre-paid pre-loaded debit card, cashiers’ check or personal check; whatever you may be willing to help me with would be greatly appreciated.

I am looking forward to my surgery, I’d welcome cameras and media coverage if anyone would be interested in that. (I’m looking squarely at you LogoTV!) Please, I’d even sell my story to Lifetime or LogoTV so I can pay my bills and get on the right track.

PLEASE HELP…

My NEW Revelation

For all of my friends and cohorts who know me, know of me and can call me family (you know who you are), I have been struck with a revelation just today! I am not transgender, I am transsexual. I am working to get that stigma understood for my friends and family to really understand, but I think time will be the best healer and leveler of the playing field, so to speak.

I feel strange about this revelation. I feel stupid about it, though. One thought in one direction and multiple in another, and it led me to the Logo TV website. Another couple of hours later and I stumbled upon “TRANSform Me”, a television series that takes three transsexual women and make-over a pleading woman who lacks her own style and fashion sense. It’s a wonderful program. I enjoyed it.

I am looking for some assistance. I live in Mississippi and not too many people here are up-to-speed about the LGBTQ lifestyle, much less our community. It totally sucks about what I am doing in my new job. My roommate, who also used to work for my boss, told me to “dress like a guy to get the job, but work through it a few weeks and gradually change it up.” I couldn’t completely do that; I brought my purse the first day, and dug through it to get my hairbrush and my pens and cellphone. Sorry, I will reveal all, but not too soon. (I wear my man-pants like I would as a woman would, and I like it better that way.) I do wear “t-shirts” but are just pull-over blouses that look like close-fitting t-shirts. It does help me to feel better while working in a mostly female environment.

After coming home sick on Friday with laryngitis, and trying to stay out of the family’s way while I recuperated, I surfed the internet for some stuff and played Eve Online, too. I’m still struggling to stay warm in a warm house; frequent chills are getting me down. (I might have something that I don’t want to go to hospital for; I got out of there for pneumonia in early April, and I don’t think I recovered from it.)

I like my job, don’t get me wrong, but it’s harder than most telemarketing jobs I’ve had. There’s no training course to get through. There’s no hand-holding here. It’s all about the quantity of the calls you make and how to get back into the mix when you’ve gotten a bad call or an answering machine or the customer on the other end forgets who you are and why you’re calling and makes you look like a fool (that part’s recorded).

I now have a purpose and a direction. I need to have my surgery, grab my paperwork and assess what needs to be fixed first, then go from there. The easiest one: my Social Security card. The hardest I think will be my drivers’ license and passport. I can’t wait to get this underway! I need a job to carry on making money to do these things; without one, I cannot even start hormone therapy and counseling. I feel this job is a step backwards and it feels like someone is swatting my hands with a wooden ruler every time I try to make forward strides.

The family I live with love me, the kids don’t want me to move. I can understand that, too. I do love it here. I feel better here than I do at my sisters’ homes; B’s home is smoke-filled because she and my brother-in-law both smoke. C’s home isn’t so bad, but she’ll go into any room with a lit cigarette and then apologize when she’s in the one I’m borrowing. Her husband, T, chews tobacco, and that’s not as bad as second- and third-hand smoke.

I discovered that my closest counseling location is in Gulfport, MS. That’s quite a distance from where I currently reside. I don’t want people to think I’m lazy or disrespectful, but that’s nowhere near Tupelo! I want something closer to me. (If I can have a lawyer assist me with getting Medicare for my diabetes and depression, then I’m one step closer… I think.)

So tired of people giving me the run-around and telling me they can’t help me unless I have some sort of income! That’s monetary discrimination! Everywhere I turn, if I don’t have the money, I can’t get the treatment I need. I have bill collectors already hounding me for money, for a 3 1/2 day hospital stay! It totals to almost $9000! Moved to another state and I’m in debt already– within the first 6 months– is the state of my luck!? I sure hope not.

What can someone like me, in dire straits, do to get the help I need? Should I check myself into a mental health facility, tell them about my suicidal tendencies due to my depression and lack of support system? What options do I have short of getting labeled disturbed or insane? I’m caught between a rock and a hard place and can’t seem to get enough purchase to thrust myself away. Please help me.

Whenever I can, I check my Yahoo!Groups for the latest conversations and pictures. I want to have these kinds of good things happen to me, too, but I cannot where I am living! Florida, in the county where I moved from, I was denied all kinds of care related to my transsexual nature: hormone therapy, individual counseling, AND surgery. Denied them ALL! I was on county healthcare, and they took care of my diabetes supplies and meds, my depression and ‘head shrinking’ meds– all of it!– yes for something as simple as getting prepared for my transition and making way for the new me: FORGET IT! They apparently thought that I didn’t count. I didn’t matter. They had their medical stuff covered, whatever it was; I didn’t because, apparently, I’m just barely human enough to be considered human, to partake in that medical system. I have to purchase medical insurance out of my own pocket, and with my job, I don’t even think I can do that right now…

If I had some way to get the treatment I need, the connection to others like me in a location I can call home, I would be so happy right now! I am so depressed right now, and sick, that I’m thinking about “it” while I’m playing with my tiny multi-tool. I just need someone to hold me close, and tell me “everything’s going to be okay” and really mean it. I’m struggling to keep a fresh face and happy mood. This facade-crap I have to play at work is really getting me down! I think that’s my I’m ill now, too.

Why should I compromise my values and ethics for a boss who has no clue about who I am? I want to tell him. Nowhere on the application did it list GENDER. Nowhere! I am not a man, I am a woman who has needs and wants and goals and feelings.

Please leave your comments. I want your advice and assistance in this. If anyone is interested in hiring me for logo design, font work and other such graphics, please comment below. I want to move in the worst way, have a valid drivers’ license, and want to get out of Mississippi in the worst way!

Whence Gays Can Marry, The Apocalypse Cometh

I have a pretty active Facebook page, full of various likes, friends and a few games that I play to pass my time, but clicking on a link that George Takei had posted threw me for a loop, but once I realized it was just a comedic bit, it helped to soften the blow that I thought was going to be more Gay Bashing and Homosexual Hatred.  I was surprised.  Here’s the link so you too can watch:  The Ultimate Anti-Gay Marriage Ad.

I know I’m not here to tell people off, but this is what many so-called Christians think is going to happen…  The heavens are going to rain down fire and brimstone and destroy civilization as we know it.  It not going to happen.  Gay marriage is legal in Britain.  Gay marriage is legal in Sweden.  Gay marriage is legal in much of the United States…  Has there been an apocalypse?  Are we doomed in the eyes of the Lord?

Personally, I think not.  No one has the right to force his or her beliefs upon another person.  No one has the right to enact laws to force people to believe in an idea that is morally obtuse or socially irresponsible.  The refusal of Civil Unions or Gay Marriage is one of those ideas that help us stand for what is truly an equal footing.  There are homosexuals in the military who fight for the freedoms straight people have, but when it comes to those of us who love our life-partners and want to spend the rest of our lives with her, then we can’t!  This is the exact point I’m trying to make:  LezBeProud Episode 1.

I am Transgender!  I am Female!  Because I am this way, I am scrutinized in society for being different.  I may look and act different than someone who is not me, doing the same things I do:  drive the car, shop for clothes and groceries, walk to the mailbox.  We do the same things.  We make difficult decisions and casual choices everyday, just like everyone else!  If I am cut, do I not bleed?  If I am hurt, do I not feel pain?

Why do all of these people, who claim to be devout Christians (of whatever Christian sect), want to force their beliefs and their convictions upon the rest of us?  It’s far too easy to blame others for their religious persecution, because they believe it to be God’s Calling, or their religious right– turning the masses of heathens into Christians– and opening up space in Heaven for them to call Home.  I was Christian before I was Transgender!  I know about all of these things, but the Holy Scriptures have helped me to understand specific concepts that are very out-of-date.  The Holy Bible seems more a book of Moral-Based Stories around the lives of those Jesus and the Lord had devoutly touched.  “Take the good path.”  “Do unto others …”  “Listen and take the advice of your elders.”  “Don’t judge lest ye be judged.”  “Love thy neighbor.”  Where did the devout Christians go wrong?

Mass media and spin-off religious sects tend to pull the focus away from Love and Kindness to Blasphemy and Hatred.  It really makes me angry to see a religious jihad against anything LGBT.  Yes, I did say “religious jihad”.  That’s what it seems to be, more and more in the media, in the laws those Christians vote into power, forcing us who are allied and friends of our LGBT family to vote against such hatred.

We fight your wars.
We live with you in the cities, towns and farms.
We deliver your packages and mail.
We are helpful to you at Walmart and Sears and JCP and Kohl’s.
We wash your cars and clothes.
We care for your children.
We teach your children in schools.
We drive the streets as you do.
We eat at the same restaurants.
We dance and have fun at the same clubs.
We exercise and work out, just like you do.
We haven’t invaded, we were here all along!
It’s just now that you’re starting to see us for the first time!

Why is it that you’re afraid of us?  We’re not going to impose the same restrictions that you’ve unthinkingly imposed upon us.  That’s not the right thing to do.  Being Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual or Trans (transsexual, transgender) does not rub off or is ever contagious; it is the state of our being that gives us the right to oppose the Social Normalcy of Male and Female gender roles.  We are not a religious sect or fad.  We have our Atheists and Christians.  We have Buddhists and Hare Krishnas.  We have other religions as well, but we don’t persecute someone for being weird:  we embrace their compassion for being unique, individual!  It is our lot in life to accept the uniqueness and individuality that everyone possesses, not just those of the LGBT community!

To us:  Everyone is Equal.  That’s the way God intended!  That’s what the Constitution of the United States intended!  As members of One World Society, we are ALL equal.  All of us!

The New(?) Feminists

I posted this to my Facebook page on Saturday (26JAN2013) and a friend of mine decided to either tell me off or poke fun at me, I couldn’t tell which.  It prompted me to repost it here because I trust my readers’ opinions and their takes on feminists and feminism.  I have always believed that everyone should be considered equal– not just all men or all women– but men, women, tg/ts men, tg/ts women, gays, lesbians, queer folk, bisexual and bi-curious, even the heterosexuals out there!  I am upset that there are too many people in political power who hide their innermost sexuality; I would love for them to some to terms that being that way is the norm and not the exception!  Here it is with just a few corrections…

—–

Many of us as intelligent and free-thinking women have to put up or shut up about the sexist and manipulative laws and policies that oppress most forms of women’s presence in mass media, games and in movies. It too bad that grown men who like to objectify women seem to have the most to *lose* when women become the heroes or, God forbid, *equals* of their male counterparts. In games, it’s a narrative that’s sorely lacking; in advertisement, it’s still “Sex Sells”, from the Big-3 automakers to beer and spirits; in movies and television, the only reason to have a powerful woman is to write in a pregnancy scene and have her reduced to the collection of her ‘womany’ parts!

I am the head of an independent games studio who is inspired by the likes of Anita Sarkeesian, Feminist Frequency and the videos she has produced for BitchMedia. I am also inspired by those women who chose to become that which was trapped deep inside and prosper in the proper face that they identified with! I also write poetry, sci-fi short stories, erotic fiction (of all styles), and I prefer to write anything that suits me, from tirades and essays to personal plight and the strengths and prowess I gain from fighting through my own demonic problems. (Demonic means, at this point, the destructive internal struggles that must be defeated in order to become a better person; it does not mean devils, demons, or any of that ilk.)

People like Rush Limbaugh keep pandering to the right-wing religious fanatics who believe the woman’s place is in the house, not bothering with current events, hubby’s work and work-related problems, and carry on cooking, cleaning and raising a family while hubby brings home the money to pay the bills. This rhetoric is so 1950s! Rush, the 1950s called, they want their socialist rant back! It no doubt needs to be changed and I am hoping we can all decide on what’s right and good for the well-being of women everywhere. Women should also NOT be exploited as simply sexual beings whose primary goal is to be eye candy or the immaculate trophy wife of some sexist man who believes he’s God’s Gift to Women. I’m not pointing fingers at every sexist man, but I am pointing it at those sexist men who believe women should just shut up and not propose an intelligent opinion! I can name games, TV shows and movies where women have been objectified, impregnated, demonized and made to look less than human; can you?

I want to end this little tirade with a couple of thoughts. Why are feminists held in such a bad light? Why should feminism provoke a bad taste in your mouth, uttering such a word? It shouldn’t. Feminism is the belief and movement that only has the best interests for women, not just in the US, but everywhere. Feminism is the movement for Women’s Equal Rights. Being a feminist should invoke a great feeling of forward thinking, shackle-breaking, stereotype shattering women’s equality; a feeling of great accomplishment, but yet, a great feeling of “our work’s not done yet!” Policies refuting the choice of mothers from abortion by instituting hoops and tests and permissions from everyone under the sun, making abortions virtually impossible. Some states are even thinking of making miscarriage illegal! How can miscarriage be an illegal act? How? Some women, unless they have to take prescription medication, may not be able to carry their conceived to full term, and have a miscarriage! I can’t get pregnant; I was born without a uterus! I want children naturally, but can’t.

I believe in the Feminist Movement. I believe we can build this world into a more cohesive whole, but we first have to understand our failings and faults, before we can challenge the norm and bolster our issues. We need to believe in ourselves and in each other, helping to strengthen our weaknesses and cooperating on keeping our strengths…

One World.
One Love.
One Peace.

Is anyone with me?

—–

I don’t understand the whole “I believe in equal rights for men and women, but I’m not a feminist.” rhetoric that’s been spewing from every form of entertainment in recent years.  …  I just don’t get it.  In order to comprehend this kind of ass-backwards double talk, you need to understand why so many women fear the word “feminist.”  Take a look through the 6 part video series “Tropes vs Women” by Anita Sarkeesian and Feminist Frequency.  This group of videos goes quite a way to show and deconstruct just how badly and/or brutally women are placed in entertainment media, only to get a rise out of the hero/protagonist in these games/movies/novels.  Don’t get me wrong, but women are more than just a plug-in for a plot device to further the twisted fantasy that most adolescent males minds construct.  Strong women are strong, sometimes moreso than their male counterparts, but many never consider (usually men) that women can be strong.

I totally hope these things we can build upon and work out to make the world a much better cohesive place.  It is a dream that I would love to extend into the workplace and into the world; somehow, somewhere…  Another link is BitchMedia which has more information dealing with sexist and male-centric craziness, but is run by women for women, and is a really great resource for all things woman-driven!  http://bitchmagazine.org  Check this website out for more information about Anita Sarkeesian and Feminist Frequency.  http://www.feministfrequency.com

I have never wanted anything more than to help forward the plight of women, but even those of us who are transgender or transsexual need to have their warriors and their consorts in order to perpetuate and follow through what we much accomplish in order to be and feel that we belong.

Wanting equality on a personal level is a great thing.

Seeking equality on a professional level is a wondrous thing.

Finding equality on a global level is a glorious thing!

Should we not strive to make it happen?

For the Ubiquitous Ugliness that Belies the Incorrigible

I think there’s a time and a place for everything.  It is the best thing that can become whatever we feel is necessary in our lives, the most important of all things, that of working through friendships and relationships, and taking it all in to deduce what’s right and just to make the best of things.  If I’m wrong, tell me.  If not, then allow me to continue…

I have been in this situation since last September (2012) and have been working to a culmination of various things, hoping that my decision is true and just for what I believe to be the crowning factor in what’s been a lie for over 20 years!  Nothing I have done or said to anyone has really been to hurt them, but to enlighten them to the fact that I’m pursuing a drastic change of lifestyle and demeanor. I never wanted those I considered my friends and family to turn their backs on me, snub me like a murder convict or as the “Scum of the Earth”, but that’s what happened when I told my former landlord, my former fiancee and a few (whom I considered) of my closest friends.  I felt like just abandoning life, running for the closest place I could to get away from everyone, and take my own life. …

I refused!  I told them, in my own way that I am just a human being.  I feel just like YOU!  I hurt just like YOU!  I bleed just like YOU!  I want my human rights just like YOU!  YOU’RE giving me nothing but anguish, hating me for my views and telling me off like I’m some kind of circus or sideshow freak!  I’m sorry that I’m not Lobster Boy or the Bearded Lady!  (ALL of these sideshow “freaks” were HUMAN, TOO, with FEELINGS and FAMILIES!  It was NOT their fault that YOU exploited them for YOUR sick and twisted amusement!)

Where have I gone wrong?  What have I done to deserve this kind of treatment?  I keep asking the same damn questions and I keep coming up with the same conclusions:  not a damn thing!  I know I’m just having problems with certain people and that they happen to get their facts tangled, then blame me for their misdirection.  It makes me feel like they’re trying to sabotage any relationship (friendship or business relationship) what we may have.  I struggle every day with acceptance and understanding for my acclimation and transition, but when that challenge is itself challenged, I tend to be defensive and unwilling to listen to anything these other people say– nothing– and I usually tune them out (or hang up on them, whichever is more convenient).

It kills me that there’s a bunch of ignorant and belligerent people who believe society is the way everything should be.  It also bothers me that there’s too many people who also think we have a binary gender system.  Not anymore!  All forms should have a list of choices for a person’s Gender:  Male, Female and Other!  This way, you don’t have to put yourself into the general binary gender system.  Why are there so many who fear us?  I’ve not done anything to anyone calling themselves Male or Female, nor have I caused them any harm.  I don’t really care what you call yourself, but I am a woman and I am that way because it’s not about the sum of my parts, but how I perceive and identify myself.  You no longer have control and I believe that’s what frightens you:  your society keeps telling you you’re doing the right thing, when obviously you’re not!

But how does my gender identity frighten you, when it’s not about you and how you feel?  “I think, therefore I am,” is a quote from some historical great thinker.  It makes some sense, but it belies a much deeper meaning than just those five words.  “I exist because I think.” … “I exist because I can think.” … “I exist because I choose to think.”  The fact that individuals can understand being is knowing and that knowledge is power should take to the streets and assist us in our personal struggles, where I believe that’s the stuff the flock is looking out for that makes them afraid of those who are like me, my brothers- and sisters-in-arms, and our supporters.  Why should they be afraid of us?  Sweden and the UK, even Ireland and Russia, Thailand, Japan, China and Canada all have transgendered and intersexed citizens, why can’t we?  Why do we not rate among the World Society?  As US citizens and many of us hold professional positions, vote, and pay taxes, why can’t we get the care, the medications and the services we need to help us become whole?

Fear.  That’s all it is…  Simple fear.  The politicians are scrambling to quell the onslaught of our LGBTQ community, though a healthy smattering, 30 to 35%, cross-dress or are closet homosexuals.  Another 2 to 5% are hiding their transgender status.  Yet another 1 to 3% are stating one gender when they are truly intersexed.  It all comes down to societal fear, and the yearning to be a generic normal.  Newsflash:  there is no generic or societal normal anymore!  I am a single member of this great nation, the US of A, and I am a single member of the LGBTQ community, through no fault of my own, and I am proud to be who I am and not the sum of my parts!

Knowledge is Power.  This has been blasted into me since I was old enough to read, write and comprehend!  I know many of us are Christian in some fashion, and that some of us are of other religious systems, but what bothers me most:  I see many of you harboring a deep-seated resentment or hatred for your fellows in religion.  Don’t call this a Holy War!  God made His flock in His image to help us to mend what we’ve broken, love unconditionally, and to never hate and envy our neighbors!  If you’re not religious, then it’s all to perpetuate love and kindness to all!  Karma can be well-deserved in any form it chooses, Good or Bad, benefiting or hurting whomever had made their choice.  I consider myself Wiccan and Christian, as both are symbolic of a Greater Love and Affinity for Life!  I would hope you, as fear-seekers, would just stop being prejudicial against what you don’t understand, open your minds and hearts to what we’re trying to explain, and allow our message to help guide you to be more understanding to what we are asking, as a whole, ending the violence and anti-LGBTQ policies and bills that you are trying to pass into law.  Allow us our freedoms and we will show you just how much like you we truly are!

Consider this.  I blog when I have been unjustly blasted, either verbally or physically, by someone I thought I could trust.  I cannot stand idly by and let people do this to me, nor can I delve into the possibilities that would compromise our collective safety, but I will notify and work out the pain, hurt and transgressions I feel, openly and with those of you who can honestly say “Hey, I know You!  I’ve been there. … How can I help?”  I am working through an exceptionally tough time right now and I want anyone who reads my blogs to, at least, have some kind of awareness that I am in need of assistance.  Nothing is needed more than to get “my transition on”.  I have few options, minimal funds and a loving wonderful family (family, friends and associates whom I consider my extended family) who are struggling as we all are in this horrendous economy.

I am looking toward alternatives for getting what I need for my transition, but I am seriously struggling in every aspect:  naysayers, non-believers and the prejudiced.  I put them out of my mind and take matters into my own hands (non-violently, of course).  I need more than just assistance:  I need more caring and loving friends, colleagues and acquaintances.  We all do.  My brothers- and sisters-in-arms do as well, and there’s almost no help for us medically…  Why?  Politicians and hateful/prejudicial Christian fear-mongering.  That’s all it is.  If someone at work is part of our LGBTQ community, then pull her aside, say something kind to her, and rally behind her when she needs it most.  Take up your pens and write to your state representatives to start more LGBTQ initiatives; help us get he medical treatment we need, the health assistance we have the right to, and bolster us when we fall.

I just want all of us to be happy and healthy.  Why can’t we?

Craziness (I Have to Move?)

I have been finding it hard to deal with the loss of my relationship with my fiancee, and I still call her “hon”.  It’s very difficult.  She’s told me that if I wasn’t satisfied with her, to tell her and we’d split.  That wasn’t the case.  She also told me that I should have told her that I had this problem with my gender identity back when we first met; I never knew what it was until only about a month or so ago.  I never really understood what my body was telling me.

Until I grasped the bull by the horns, and she found some ‘aids’ I was using to force my body into a more feminine shape, she told our landlord and I agreed to seek counseling and treatment.  It wasn’t until I had done some serious research for what I’m dealing with, realized what it is, and came to the conclusion of what I have been suffering from for the past 27 years:  gender dysphoria.
I had both hetero- and homosexual relationships.  I was being self-destructive with the male partners; I wanted to end my life with contracting HIV or AIDS…  I was really messed up then, in my early teen years!  It only came to a head when my mother died and I found myself on the street.  I had some really good friends, and their parents (part of the time), who had allowed me to camp out on a couch or reclining chair or cot, just to get through another day…  I was so distraught over my living conditions that I eventually asked the county for help and they provided, at least, a temporary shelter in a motel, complete with a bathroom!  I stayed there for a couple of weeks, my stipend ended, I moved, my friends told me I could have stayed there another couple of months; the county was going to pick up the tab for that long…  Too bad I had found another, more stable location, and I had a house to run through.

I had been experimenting with various substances (not exactly legal) back then.  I gave up the quest for partnership and relationships that involved intimacy, delving deeper into college and schoolwork.  I quit soon after because of a young lady in my Speech class who had taken a shine to me after I told her about role-playing games (in a speech I wrote for class).  I got an A in the class, she had gotten a B, but that was midterm; I don’t remember her name, I wish I did…  She said she was from Iowa…

I never really knew what was happening to me.  I was so confused that I thought I was some kind of space alien.  I couldn’t fathom what was going on and what I really needed in my life.  Sometimes I just wanted to be normal, but never really knew how.

People really end up not knowing because they refuse to know, feel they don’t have to know, and as long as it isn’t happening to them, then it’s okay to kill off whatever functions or burn whatever bridges they feel they can live without.  I thought certain people could respect me; I guess I was wrong…  Oh well, karma can be a bitch– and so can I– but that’s another story!

Not sure what else to say here, so I’ll end it here.  Please help to inform those of your friends that they’re wanted, but that they need to know their apathy affects everyone and all the things you both used to hold dear.  Male.  Female.  Gay.  Lesbian.  Bisexual.  Queer.  Trans.  It’s all REAL and it’s all here!  We’re here…  Come talk and get to know us before you judge us; we’re like you:  Human!