Deleting Posts on Facebook and Telling off “Special People”

I’m fed up after getting attacked and told off that “I brought this on [my]self.” I am so distraught over all of this craziness that I’m posting this here instead of getting things set akimbo. (The post will be deleted by the time I publish this blog entry…)

I went to the ER to have them look at my throat. I was attacked and hit once, in the throat and I let loose with a barrage of hits. Once “he” was down, I stopped. I went to the car and called the police. I told my side of things, “he” told his. No charges were pressed though I am considering restraining order against him.

This is so messed up!

I’m looking forward to my role and my work within KWTG QCA (Know Where To Go in the Quad Cities). This is something that is driving me ever forward. My passion is to make this happen! We are struggling less and less over the course of bringing this together. Nothing irks me more than having a conflict of interest even before this thing comes together… At least it’s taken care of before we start!

I want to get some things dealt with and some things will come as we progress. I can’t wait for that to come. I can’t wait!

Anyway, this is my tirade and I’m sticking to it! LOL ^_^

A New GoFundMe Campaign — Please Help

This is my new link to my GoFundMe campaign.  I am in desperate need to get ot loving and caring friends in Illinois.  They are working hard to help me get to them and preparing a place for me to bunk until I can get settled into a place of my own.  This is something that I truly desperately need.

The environment I live in currently, deep in the Bible Belt, is rife with hetero-oppression and leftist Christian values.  I can’t function here without a job, as I have to pay for every scrap of medicine, every piece of doctor documentation and counseling for my severe depression, type 2 diabetes and my transgenderism.  I had to stop going to my clinic when I arrived at my eldest sister’s place because I don’t even have the gas money to pay for my trips to my clinic– the only one semi-locally– that deals with my types of issues.  This is truly unfortunate for me as I’ve been out of all of my medications for nearly a year.

I am barely functioning, barely able to deal with the things that I need to take care of myself and still try to carry on some semblance of transition.  I am crying writing this because I have no other outlets to turn to and no one else to even try to talk to.  This truly is one of my darkest days and my depression is creeping up on me; I can feel it like a little twinge at the back of my neck, as if someone is following me and observing me a little to closely, and far to adjacent to my current position.  I am so scared sometimes that I don’t even want to leave the house.

I was asked to go to the Tupelo Flea Market this past Friday and I felt like I was on display for my sister.  This truly sucked because I was ill before I went, I was slipping into a diabetic fit, and was getting sweaty chills.  It sucked taking off my outer jacket, to feel a little better, only to put it back on when we got outside when I started getting really chilled.  It was blustery that day.

I wanted to try to enjoy myself, but it really didn’t happen.  I was under too much stress and felt so alone there with my sister, her husband and my niece (her grown daughter).  What’s a sick girl to do?  I needed to eat when I got home, but couldn’t because my sister insisted that she would make something, then backed out.  She started feeling awful that day too.  I managed to make something to eat, ate it and went to bed early.  I keep getting ill here; not sure why.

I am also suffering from carbon-monoxide poisoning on a nearly daily basis with the LP space heaters they have in the house.  I get such excruciating migraines from the lack of oxygen that I’m literally wallowing in this dull, creepy feeling.  If I open the windows in “my” bedroom, I get chilled and the air’s a bit better, but I still have to go into the rest of the house and breathe that tainted air.  I hate it.  This is another reason for my depression; a deep-seated fear of asphyxiating in their home, and my sister not wanting to do something about it.  (I’ve asked her about ventilation, and she tells me there’s enough.  If their was, I wouldn’t be having this conversation and not experiencing these massive migraines.)

Anyway, I think I’ve explained much of the problems and craziness that ensues here.  I need to work on another project, but I can’t stop crying.

Please help.


Christmas Has Passed and I’m Unsure

Nothing’s ever been set in stone for me– nothing. It just seems that with all of the things that I could be doing to keep my mind off my depression and my loneliness, I keep coming back to these unseated and unnerving realizations that I’m getting older and nothing’s going to change that.

With all of the intelligence and imagination I contain, I still cannot seem to bear being alone. This Christmas was one of the loneliest times I have ever struggled to endure. My family, here in Mississippi that I’m staying with, is loving and caring, yes, but is rather distant because of my decision to transition. I was informed by the mother of my kids that I needed to keep my ‘original’ Facebook page up so they can see it when they’re older. My thinking is “Why?”

Why should I subject them to the irrationality of my former existence when this is the existence I chose to make for me; so I can live a happy life? She also called me ‘selfish’ among other things and, though I tend not to be selfish for being selfish, this is one thing I must insist upon: I am not any better or worse than anyone else; I am me.

Love me. Hate me. Joke and Laugh with me. It’s just me– not a “new” me because many of our allies think that’s what we mean when we’re “out”– but this has “always been” me, a little more to know and a little more to get to know. I’m still learning about me, too. And that’s the beauty of being transgendered: You never stop learning about being yourself! You is all you have!

I read in a semi-recent article today from TransGriot how the HRC has been playing our community as chumps and taking the low road to not include us in their fight for so-called equal rights. Human rights are inalienable, worth-while and necessary for the “pursuit of life, liberty and happiness” in all their forms! Without the smallest modicum of respect and acceptance, we end up relegated as much as African-Americans struggled for their equality over the past 100 years or so. Not having policies in place for the protection of employment, spousal benefits and marriage equality, I tend to think that we’re running forward at top speed, while the treadmill is cranked just beyond what we can manage, forcing us backwards. Nothing hurts me more than knowing an agency that I trusted to help, has only hindered our progress and devastated many trans people and organizations in the United States. They’re more out for getting media exposure than actually helping us, all the while backing the “wrong” candidates and hindering the passing of policies and pandering to the right-wing extremists who use their influence to bash, not only us, but the entire spectrum of societal non-conformists.

What have we done to them, personally, directly or indirectly, to warrant their lack of compassion and acceptance? Why has the HRC defended these anti-LGBT puppets and perpetual propaganda producers? It’s about the HRS getting large and viable contributions and kickbacks from these high-profile politicos whom they believe will help the HRC advance their own causes. With the HRC’s perpetual placating of the political pontiffs at every event they go, it’s as if the HRC has their own lackadaisical laurels to blame, and they just use more double-talk to spin the issues at hand: they’ve had their own mouthpieces spew “trans inclusive issues”, yet retract those very statements stating “… [we] had misspoken.” What?!

As a societal non-conformist, I believe we all, as Human beings, have a right to certain unquenchable Human dignities and rights– not able to be taken away– and to be able to use these to, not only benefit in our daily lives, but to thrive, as we choose to live, and finally be rid of the hate and propaganda shackles that have oppressed us for oh so long! Am I wrong here? We need “… these truths be self-evident that all men are created equal” and not just some piece of propaganda that gets promised and then repealed because someone gets offended when they finally realize “… it’s not about me, is it …” rhetoric.

Get off your damn soapboxes and DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! I’m pointing my finger directly at you, HRC, and your utter lack of hiring trans people of any significant number, lack of bringing our community into the spotlight when all you’re interested in is making political statements and political friends. Start doing something that makes a difference to EVERYONE IN THE COMMUNITY and not those that you THINK HAVE THE BEST CHANCE TO BACK just to make anti-LGBT policy!!! Step away from the podium, take a look in the mirror and realize the reality that is the HRC! It’s not a pretty face to see, is it?

I can’t imaging what my life would have been like had I come out at 14, but if I had known it was going to be a lifetime of hardship and anger and misunderstandings, then I probably wouldn’t have until now.

And maybe it’s just better that way…

I Feel Unimportant Today

Nothing has ever entrenched me in my own beliefs than when I finally realized I was transgender and did something about it.  Nothing prepared me for the endurance I needed to show the world my face, my mind and my soul.  I am human, and nothing beyond that truly matters!  When I am gone, will my legacy and the two sons I fathered really care that I was transgender?

I couldn’t begin to fathom that revelation.  Nothing prepared me for the loss of dear close friends, people I confided in when it mattered the most and the eventual loss of life that we all must endure when lost are the loved ones, called Home to Greener Pastures.

Nothing prepared me for the move to Mississippi from Florida.  Such a different and hateful place; moreso that I’m transgender; not to mention I’m lesbian too.  I have no friends locally; I have family locally, but many of them are distant or refuse to see me for the wonderful and lovely person I am.

I have become so much more than the sum of my parts, including my ‘danglies’ that will be dealt with soon enough.  I feel I am just trapped in a body that’s not even mine– I guess I’m renting it– until such time as I can make the renovations to make it truly my own.  This is the limbo, the Purgatory, I’m living in:  Not feminine enough for the trans-community’s most vocal pundits, and not lesbian enough or woman enough for cis-gendered lesbians and their unforgiving ilk.  Nothing hurts me more than to tell me “[you’re] not worthy!”

Dammit, I’m more woman than you’ll ever know, care to know, or experience!  Shove off…  Or as some of my British friends would say:  “Bugger off, Wanker!”  I’m fed up with this stereotyping and complacency in the groups and chats and pages of Lesbians and other Transgender groups on Facebook and other social media sites!  I created Trans Out World Magazine ( for all of is who have felt the harassment of “tranny”-chasers, trolling Christian hate-mongers, and other such unsavory miscreants.  Nary a day goes by when I’m accosted by scam artists from Nigeria, people who claim to be Americans willing to help me and yet demand money from me when I’m still trying to collect on my royalties, and others who just want me to ‘take it off’ and ‘show me’.  I’m not that kind of gal, and refuse to have long-distance masturbation sessions– HELL NO!– and that’s all sexting and chat-sex are; nothing more!

I am a woman of high morals.  I am a woman of decent standards.  I am a woman that loves the rich life, but understands I don’t have the budget for that.  My credit is poor.  I owe for student loans and I’m unemployed because I am unable to get out to find work; the internet is a lovely proposition, but there’s no one really hiring for anything that would allow for me to stay home and work and do my job– retail sales are taken care of by automated systems, tossed off to real people in warehouses and logistics locations, then shipped off to you– what part of this allows me to intercede or intercept anything in this situation from home?  Nothing, again.  My computer expertise is relegated to specific systems and application, of which I’d love to tutor, but alas no one trusts the ‘outsider’.

I have been writing for a long time.  Since before I realized I knew what the word “imagination” meant.  I was a smart kid, read far above the grade level (I was reading second year college in fifth grade), and I loved to play house, and dress up and tea party, and my dad wanted nothing to do with that.  He literally tried to beat it out of me at age 5!

I still love dinner parties and entertaining.  I love to cook and bake and make things happen in the kitchen; this time spent with my sister Cindy has proved challenging, but also enlightening and because I can assimilate a lot of things in any environment, I can work things out in my head for substitutions for people with food allergies, or the dislike of certain foods.  it’s works for many people, and it works for me:  I’m allergic to cinnamon and coconut, two healthy agents that help to curb hunger and lose weight naturally.  (Sucks to be me… LOL)

I am not usually this eloquent when I speak, but that’s all going to chance, and very soon!  I am working on several projects, the least of which if the aforementioned online magazine.  I want the very best for my Trans* Family!  The very best!  I am working on a trans-friendly homeless shelter, specializing in education, counseling for allies and trans, a safe environment from bullying and negative impacts, a location for those in transition to transition into proper residential situations, blood testing with an endocrinologist on site (hormones levels, HIV/AIDS, medical conditions), and a RNP on-site for routine visits and prescriptions.  I would also provide meals to homeless people, whether trans or not, and have a separate location, on-site- with a chaperone, for out trans-youth who have been put out of their homes due to unaccepting parents or guardians.

I am also proposing the creation of a charity organization called “Sisters’ Hearts Gateway” that will be available to provide, at little or no cost, resources for all of our Trans Family worldwide!  I want this charity to help provide employment, housing and educational assistance in the US, with branches in every country in the world.  I want to do this by the end of 2015.  This is no small task!

I want to make my magazine a printed publication for the Trans Community to make things happen and to give them a reason to no longer be afraid of coming OUT; let us help make that a reality for the many who are still closeted.  I also have three businesses that I can’t run on my own:  one is an indie game development studio, one is a graphic design studio, and one is a game guide and book publishing entity.  None of these are real without me.  None of these are here without me.  I am willing to go the extra mile to be the largest trans-employed entity in the world and it all starts with you:  family, friends and allies!

I need to get to Los Angeles and to document this all the way.  I am so nervous with anticipation that I can’t contain myself!  I want to get underway very quickly and be there before Christmas (or New Year’s Day) if possible.

I am a woman of vision and a woman of dreams!  I am a visionary and someone who truly cares about equality and human rights.  Please help me to achieve my goals, and through this effort, we can be proud to be called Transgender!  Please help me to make this happen!

What I Propose to Do

I am in talks with various online distributors of my e-books to see if they have in fact transferred any sales information to BookTango. s BookTango claims I have made no sales and they are not paying me.

I am also looking to use this money to move to California, but without it I can’t move.  Hell of a Catch 22 I’m in, huh?

This morning I left an e-mail that stated I had talked to someone on their site back in August about how their site shows Views and such, and was informed that those views were sales and that there should be a report soon, once they get a few more facts from BookTango.  This was in August, and there’s nothing listed in my reports on BookTango for anything.

I know I’ve sold some e-books.  Amazon thinks I’m some kind of crackpot and refuses to acknowledge me regarding the discounted prices for my e-books, as well as letting me see the sales figures for them…  What the hell?!

Seems nothing I do is good enough for anyone.  NOTHING!  I am so sick and tired of people holding my money, refusing to let me have what’s rightfully earned, and claiming I have nothing.  This is bullshit if the purest sense!

I want to be happy.  I want to be able to take care of myself with what I do, but with this kind of BS and them tying my hands, I can’t make or do whatever I need to to further my transition, get where I am needed and help those whom I love.  Most of my family had abandoned me or slandered me to Mississippi state officials over some shlock and circumstance, simply because I was an easy target.  Now these same family members want my money– sadly there’s no money to get– and I’m stuck in Mississippi where my health is failing and my sanity!  No one in Mississippi wants to help me get right with the world, on the right track and frame of mind, and no one wants to be able to help me pay for doctors’ visits when I’m unemployed and can’t claim unemployment.  What gives?!

My food stamps were cut last month by about $12.  I’m looking at getting them either cut or eliminated by January because of some crap that the government has already implemented to drop our poor families further and further out of the reach of the American Dream.  Here’s the link to the article:

This has me pissed off moreso than my lack of money!  If BookTango is screwing with all of their client’s monies, then we all need to tell them off, file a lawsuit and get our money!

I Need Signatures to Run for the Presidency of the United States

I am seeking enough signatures to run for the Presidency of the United States and I am posting this in my blog for the world to see.

I am the Internet Equality Candidate! I’m Transgender and Lesbian AND I want to be on the 2016 Presidential Ballot!

My agenda is simple:
1) LGBTQ Equal Rights across the board– anyone who violates any policy regarding Marriage Equality, Employment Anti-Harassment / Discrimination Policies, or are turned away for seeking proper medical care will be strictly dealt with including fines and/or possible imprisonment.

2) Gun Control? NO! Criminal Control! This is only common sense… Limiting the guns these mentally infirm people can purchase and own, by having an IQ and a psychological battery performed per new gun owner, to help weed out the mentally-unstable among us who could potentially be a threat. No more are we going to ban guns, just ban the potential threats from having and owning guns. This just makes sense.

3) Bringing back manufacturing jobs to the US! There are people willing to work these jobs who have little to no experience, and are willing to be responsible to help keep American products flowing into the marketplace. Training allowances for the unskilled employees and their employers. I would even make concessions for an up to 5% Federally-funded 401k package!

4) Tax breaks for Low Income and Poverty-Stricken families who work!

5) Elimination of Obamacare! — this just needs to be wiped off the books, reclaiming those funds and placing them where they were removed, and reordering the new taxes to be rescinded.

6) Reinstatement of the United States Military — self-explanatory

7) Reinstatement of the US Space Program (a.k.a. NASA) — self-explanatory

8) Minimum Standards in Education with Federal Placement Exams (FPE). Students that cannot pass the requirements of the FPE will remain in the grade until she can pass to graduate into the next grade. We have too many students who cannot read past the 6th Grade Level in the US, and are passed through because of incompetent teachers or lack of responsible parents who cannot pass these same tests. Other countries have this type of system and they’re WAY ahead of us in every aspect of education.

9) Immigration Reform. Far too often we hear “amnesty” from those politicians in power. “Amnesty for Illegals” is the wrong thing to do. I will demand that these people either become US Citizens or go back to their homeland. Sorry, no more Free Lunches!

10) “We are not the World’s Police.” JFK told us this oh so long ago and every president since must have missed that telecast! I’m sorry, I believe we need to be able to protect ourselves from whatever the world may throw at us. I’m not saying that we’re never going to assist anyone anywhere, but that we will be picking out battles more cautiously and go to bat with allies and not go it alone. This Syria business is unpopular with millions of Americans and Obama believes in helping the rebels… I don’t believe in funding terrorists on their own soil, to have it come back to haunt us later!

11) Religious equality for Places of Worship. Muslims, Christians, Judaism and other religions have the right to purchase and build Places of Worship, yet Wiccans and other Pagan religions, which are valid here in the US under the “Freedom of Religion” bits of the Constitution, cannot purchase property for the building of a Place of Worship. Wiccans (and Pagan Religions) are NOT “Devil Worshipers” like many non-Wiccan/Pagans believe. Other religions can build Temples, Mosques, Churches or Shrines, but not for Houses of Worship or Schools of Teaching. As with any Church (for lack of a better catch all term), there is learning and indoctrination going on with that particular religion, and there’s no call for not allowing the Wiccan religion to be able to do more, since it is a recognized religion by our Federal government.

I am looking for more items to add to this list, as it is not yet complete. I am also running as part of the Truth Brigade! No politician has ever been truthful about their past or about what they’re doing as Our President. Hidden and Mysterious Agendas abound and we’re the ones who get caught up in the crossfire! Political Action groups (PACs) are wiggling their ways into the pockets of politicians and earmarking monies that should be used to offset our massive deficit, repay and lower out debt ceiling, and to give back to the American Populace, while that same money lines the pockets of career politicians so the voices they are supposed to represent are never heard.

The career politicians are part of the problem and not a part of the solution. Term limits will be imposed on the House of Representatives and the Senate. A maximum of two terms, then a hiatus of at least one term before they can run again. This will ensure more and fresh representatives and Senators in these law-making houses. Fresh ideas and fresh faces for our Government!

There’s so much to do, so much to say. I am trans and lesbian. I am the right candidate for the job! My agenda is an agenda set in truth. We need to be able to instill confidence in Our Nation! We need to be able to have an economic stability in Our Nation, to instill international confidence in our products and our financial system! We need to be independent of outsiders loaning us money to jack up the debt ceiling. I will start offering up the salaries of the Senators and Representatives as repayment toward the National Debt! Product endorsements will be used to offset other debt that Our Nation is accruing! Should I go golfing, for example, I pay out of my own pocket and wear certain sponsored attire; those sponsorships’ monies will be funneled into Government Programs and Responsible Charities to help the homeless, the needy and destitute, poverty-stricken, low-income, medically-needy and the elderly! I’m sorry, but this is the New Agenda!

All I ask is just a little assistance. I am needing signatures for the petition to include my name on the 2016 Voters’ Ballot and the costs of filing my petition. Anyone willing to assist me in this– a signature and/or financial assistance for the filing feels– just comment below and let me know. You can also e-mail me to let me know.

Thank you! The Internet Equality Candidate. I am Robynn P. Mussell, Independent. Thank you for your time and patience.

To Hell in a Ham Sandwich (and Other Fine Cold Cuts)

As I said before, the kid gloves come off and the names are no longer being hidden…

Just angry that my sister likes to control the things she knows I need to control. I am working to push forward through the muck and the mire and the fens deep in my mind, fighting for that which I desire and need. I lvoe her, but Bobbi can be so maddening!

My niece, Taylor, knows more about me and cares more about my well-being than my sisters. They think that I wanted and needed to “use” them for whatever “strange purposes” their minds can dream up… It really sucks. Understand, Cindy and Tina are not as bad as Bobbi can be, but it’s all going to change.

I am working through a bunch of stuff right now including my next installment of the Vampire Grimoire tales, but it all weighs hevily on taking care of a few loose ends. I’m not promising any violence or action against anyone, I’d never do that. What I am promising is that once my physical location has been changed, and that I am able to hit the internet again after my scenery change, I am planning on celebrating three things:
<1> Gay Pride 2013, Savannah, GA;
<2> Taylor’s Birthday Pool Party Bash (my niece);
<3> Getting all of my stuff in order for the stay.

It’s only natural that I quickly adapt to the situation and deal with my social life, karaoke and making friends. I can’t wait for that time to come. Where I am, there is nothing for me: I am depressed almost beyond hope most of the time, my anger is getting the better of me but I do still have issues with my anxiety bouts, and the issues of that really have been giving me really huge problems: my niece-in-law. She’s got three personalities that I’ve seen as of late and it’s really starting to weigh heavily on my nephew and their two kids.

Number One is a sadistic and hurtful wench. She cuts to soothe her imagined pain and depression. She lies about how she’s killed people, shot herself and is so dark and melancholy, she acts so disconnected.

Number Two seems to be a kind-hearted loving person, someone who loves watching anime, carrying on with her kids and loves her husband.

Number Three is someone who would rather ignore either everyone or certain people and stick her nose in Guitar Hero and/or a book and tune everything out. Tuning it all out to the point of not recognizing anyone around them, sometimes even further when she’s cooking or doing something alone, and then snaps and yells when her concentration gets broken or claims others have “this problem” or “that problem” and makes it a point to tell them that it is a “problem”.  She even yells in a provoking manner at the kids, and the kids are so scared of her.

She wants me out of HER house. My nephew has already told her that this is ultimately HIS house and he makes the final decisions. He does work and pays the bills, but with his managers’ lack of scheduling, it’s not his fault for that. He does get his hours eventually, but it can take a couple of weeks or pay periods until he does and his bills get a bit behind. It sucks. I fear for his home life and the safety of the kids when I’m away. That’s just how it is…

It sucks.  All the time…

Onto other things…  And more about getting some things I need finished and taking those steps to do so.

Where’s that Ham Sandwich?…

My Sister: The Family Assassin

I had been refraining from telling my readers about the real names of my family members for fear of them trying to out me or for other evil purposes. For all intents and purposes, this ends today! My sister Bobbi, whom I love and respect, decided without my permission, to borrow something that I borrowed to her, borrowed to her daughter, my niece. I tried to tell her that, after the fact, that she should have asked my permission. She refused stating that she was in her rights to do as she pleased.

I tried to reason with her and she refused, then started to yell and scream at me first. She wanted to keep the item for another month so she and her friend Marvin can reap the rewards of my benefit. I told her that was not acceptable. She then proceeded to tell me that my nephew was not supposed to tell me at all about her intentions. This was the straw that broke the camel’s back… (Pun intended– it is Hump Day, after all! LOL)

I was in the process of posting some new photos of me on Facebook, where we’re listed together as family. She sees my posts. She comments “Robert Mussell”… I kindly respond back that she has no right to try to out me like this. She then responds with a few other tidbits of verbal clash, and finally “unfriends” me from her Facebook. What am I to do?

It is a Federal offense that she has this item, with my name upon it, for which she’s just doling out to whomever she deems worthy of my benefit. I won’t go into specifics, but I use it on a monthly basis to take care of my needs.

I am in the process of taking steps and actions to get this problem legally fixed and dealt with. Suffice it to say, “ye who sews, so ye shall reap!”

Here’s the note I was going to post to her Facebook messages, of which I am now blocked too. I place it here, in it’s entirety because someone needs to know that I am angry but not vindictive.

–message starts–
I really appreciate the simple little fact that you’ve decided to kick me out of your life because I disagree with your actions. I think I have an opportunity to make something of myself now that I’m more comfortable in my own skin; but I guess that’s just something that you’ll never comprehend.

I dislike the fact you blocked me from Facebook. I dislike the little fact that I borrowed something of vital importance to me, and you’ve decided to borrow it to someone else, without my permission, and then, after the fact, tell me what you did. Asking permission would have been peachy, but apparently it never occurred to you to do so. Upon that fact, I learned afterward, almost two weeks later, that you’re going to use that for another month and demanding I remove the rest of my belongings from your house is totally beyond comprehension and reprehensible! You know full well where I live and with whom I live; where am I to store those things?

I honestly thought you were my sister, my own flesh and blood, and not subject to fits of unmitigated rage and unnecessary emotional outbursts; I guess I was wrong. I guess you never really cared for me, my realization of who I truly am, and the love I shared with you. I hope you are truly happy with your decisions.
You owe me one huge apology for trying to out me on Facebook. You need to stop being selfish and start looking out for someone other than Numero Uno, because you are a wonderful caring person, when you’re not under your own yoke of oppression and being paranoid of whom you let into your little world. You invited me in with open arms. Now, you’ve decided, that all I’m worth is $200 and a nice swift kick in the pants.

No matter what happens, I love you. I will always love you. Turning your back on me, during a time of anger and resentment, will always end regretfully and harsh, hurting those whom you love, and those around you who trust you and love you; it does not matter if it’s me or someone else you ‘thought’ you cared about, it regretfully ends.

I am a very understanding and thoughtful person, even under the worst of times, thinking of others and trying to help. I had been trying to come up with a way to thank you for helping me when I received my money, but I guess you’d rather kick me out of your life than trying to work this out.

I also read what you wrote to Anthony. I was not in the living room when he was ‘talking’ to you. I was in the kitchen making a late breakfast. I would not stoop to that kind of level, for any reason. I guess I truly know who you are.

Thank you for never trusting me, never caring about me, and using our family connection to get whatever you wanted out of me because you though I “owed it to you!” You need to stop.
–message ends–

I feel a whole slew of emotions right now. Anger. Loathe. Regret. Heartache. There’s lots more, but it’s all relative right now… >_<

My emotional state is a mass of nerves, depression that my own sister (my own family) would rather use me than love me, and take from me that which I am entitled to for my well-being. Money was never on the agenda, but it seems that this is all she's after me for– no matter how she gets it.

Yes, I do owe others money and they will be paid back, but they are on my time and list. Not any time sooner than I can. I am diabetic and forcing my nephew and his family to foot my bill for two months is unacceptable! One month is tolerable. (I also suffer from severe depression and migraines, but that's for another time… lol)

I have every recourse to report her actions and deal with the consequences. I am not the kind of person to just roll over and take it, especially when I've been taken advantage of. I don't believe in blackmail or taking advantage of a situation. I just never realized she would be this vindictive or heartless.

I guess I've learned my lesson and will refuse to help her at this point.

(Your comments are welcome…)

Two Sides of the Same Coin

If there’s something that most people believe in, in this day and age, is God. But why are there so many different ways to believe? I believe what The Bible’s scriptures advise me. Nowhere in The Bible does it say that we, as a community, are to be feared, loathed and hated with such fierceness, that it makes me want to stop being a Christian! My version of choice: the King James Version (KJV).

We are all God’s Children! Created equally. Breathed life into equally. Given intelligence, imagination and insight equally! So where do you so-called “Good Christians” get off telling the world “God hates Gays!”?

I believe that if more Bible-thumpers and Anti-Gay Christians would actually read the KJV of the Bible and comprehend those scriptures, they would not be bashing us with they’re hateful rhetoric. And why is it always GAY and not LESBIAN?

I found a video, posted to my Facebook wall, that is very poignant. Here’s the link. “The Truth about Homosexuality”

I am a transgender MtF and have been hiding as a man for many many years. I am also Lesbian. I know this to be true. I am one of many who struggle with my existence everyday, as I cannot find work locally. I don’t really know who

As human beings, upon Planet Earth, we are all a part of a Global Community. These rights should be *granted* to all of mankind, including all women everywhere, to allow free expression, the allowance for marriage, and to be treated as equals no matter where we go.

I do not condone this kind of behavior when I go to church. I don’t feel comfortable when people look upon me with judgement and disgust when I dress appropriately for me, and attend church when I go. For me, this is unacceptable and unhealthy, to be judged without my saying a word, but only by how I dress.

We are at the crossroads of equality, as Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. was when he had spoken his “I have a Dream” speech. We are truly being persecuted for who we are and what we believe in. Why can we not have equal rights? Why are we looked upon with disgust, disdain and hatred?

There is no Homosexuality Bug! We are not stricken with Cooties! HIV and AIDS are in the world, but not because of Homosexuals, but because of animals and scientists. It has come to us through the mishandling of bodily fluids from infected animals, and not through gay sex. Laws and policies were instituted to help protect people from mishandling bodily fluids, and those are still in effect, moreso now then ever.

The idea is that we’re all good people, Christian or not. Two sides of the same coin; heads and tails. There should be tolerance and acceptance of our differences, not fear- and hate-mongering. This kind of behavior should be stopped. It’s a form of bullying, and bullying, in all of it’s forms, must be stopped. We live in, what I call, Special Times! By believing in what we believe, and knowing what we know, we should all come to the conclusion that we are all a part of something wonderful.

Fear is what these people are trying to pander with their propaganda. Stand up against it. Become and ally to someone you know who is different, regardless of illness, religion or sexual preference/identity, and help her to achieve all she can be!

The question that sticks with me, even now: “Can’t we all just get along?”

A Plea for Help and Assistance

I have been struggling with my transition and these last two weeks have been outstanding. I finally found a primary physician who is willing to assist me in my transition and my other medical ailments, and a counselor who, though not fully up to speed with the medical needs of LGBT patients, is willing to do his own research to assist me in my endeavors.

I am looking forward to meeting with my endocrinologist around the 31st of July, as I have to reschedule the appointment due to another family member getting a surgery out of state that day. I have to babysit those three days (30, 31 July and 1 Aug). Not getting paid for it, either.

My plea comes from the heart. I am unemployed and have been for since the beginning of June. The job I had was not paying me every week I was working, just alternate weeks and had taken money out of my last check to pay a friend who worked there. (Took it out without my permission.) Also, he let me go because I informed the business owner, the office manager and my supervisor that I was not gay (as they had suspected, since I applied a a guy at my friend’s insistence) and that I was a woman and identified myself as female.

I put my plea on Facebook a few days ago at the behest of a close friend of mine from Iowa. I had four people offer me assistance, but of those 4, only one could offer some kind of funds. My friend in Iowa is in the process of sending me $18. It’s a start, but it’s not the whole amount. My first visit with my endocrinologist is going to be $355, not to mention medicine and hormones.

I asked one of my nieces, one who’s closer to me in age than any of my other nieces, to see if she could assist me in this. Here’s my plea:
– – – – –
i know it’s been a while. i love you no matter what. hope all’s good for you and yours.
i posted about having issues with my endocrinologist on the 31st and they want $355 for my first visit! ouch@
i’m asking for a small bit, not all of it. i had to plead my case and ask. i have had 3 replies (one was an offer of $18) the rest were b/c they were in the middle of their own crises.
could you help?
– – – – –

This is her response:
– – – – –
I have 3 children to take care of. ur kidding right? i havent seen or heard from u in how long? just seens rude to me that u rnt doin this for yourself. its ur journey, no one else’s! ask them, the ones ur living w or, another idea, get a job or seek assistance from the state for medical. i cant help u n wont. sorry. my kids need all we have, so do our bills.
– – – – –
[Inserted punctuation. – RobynnP]

So I retorted with:
– – – – –
i have been looking for work since i got to mississippi and had one, until i informed my bosses of my transition and what my goals were. i got fired over it. still cannot find work. anton and shaun don’t have the extra cash to spare; anton’s struggling for hours @ walmart. i have a hearing for SSD sometime in the next 20 months AND all i can get here is food stamps. everything else i have to pay for out of pocket– there’s no agencies or free clinics anywhere in mississippi– i’m running out of things to sell and i’m going to be starting with body parts soon. so why not cut me a little slack. i was only asking to see if you could spare a small amount (like $5.00 or so); not the entire frakking bill! i know it’s a struggle for everyone in this shit economy. i’ve had 17 interviews since getting fired at the beginning of june; no one wants to hire me. NO ONE! trying to get online work, that’s tough too. all i have is my games company and i’ve been struggling with that for almost 5 years (longer if you consider my loosely starting it back in 1995), and my computer repair/virus removal services. that’s hard to get work, tho i have business cards, and have put them out; no one wants to hire someone that has a long-distance number, even if i have the word LOCAL on the cards! you seem to think that i’m not trying. you seem to think that i’m taking this out on you; i am not. that’s not what i am seeking nor is that of any intent or goal. i am doing whatever i can to get this taken care of and with your attitude and sarcasm, i’d rather sell my soul to the devil and tell all of my family to *^@# off. you hurt me to the core by assuming i’m not helping myself. you can stick your sarcasm elsewhere. i will never ask you for anything again.
– – – – –
[Edited for names and cursing –RobynnP]

I am understandably upset. Moreso, I feel very depressed when someone whom I love dearly kicks me when I’m down like this. I feel so self-conscious and less than human when people whom I trust and seemed to be allies decide that I’m no longer worth their time and love.

What can I do? I’d sell a kidney for $25,000 if I knew it would be a legitimate practice and it was going to help some needy child live longer. I’d even donate my ‘male parts’ (that would be discarded during my Gender Affirmation Surgery) to a transgender FtM so he can be and feel whole. (I know someone who would benefit greatly from it, my brother-in-arms, Toren. Just wondering if he’d be willing… Just wondering…)

I don’t want to go to extremes, here, but I need help with this. If I had an opportunity to do some graphic design work for an advertising agency or a graphic design company to design banners, logos and other such things. I just don’t know where to turn.

I have contacted The Ellen Degeneres Show on several occasions only to get no response. My latest was just yesterday (24 July). I was trying to explain about myself and what I’m struggling with and what has happened with me since last October (October 2012), but it’s a little hard with a rough 2000 characters. I would love to have some kind of exposure and some kind of assistance to get me up and running, able to transition, work and make a living to support this, but it seems that I can’t even rub two sticks together to make fire, much less make money with it.

If there was anyone out there with any information that could help me, please drop it to me and/or send it my way. Please, anything would help: information, pre-paid pre-loaded debit card, cashiers’ check or personal check; whatever you may be willing to help me with would be greatly appreciated.

I am looking forward to my surgery, I’d welcome cameras and media coverage if anyone would be interested in that. (I’m looking squarely at you LogoTV!) Please, I’d even sell my story to Lifetime or LogoTV so I can pay my bills and get on the right track.