I Feel Unimportant Today

Nothing has ever entrenched me in my own beliefs than when I finally realized I was transgender and did something about it.  Nothing prepared me for the endurance I needed to show the world my face, my mind and my soul.  I am human, and nothing beyond that truly matters!  When I am gone, will my legacy and the two sons I fathered really care that I was transgender?

I couldn’t begin to fathom that revelation.  Nothing prepared me for the loss of dear close friends, people I confided in when it mattered the most and the eventual loss of life that we all must endure when lost are the loved ones, called Home to Greener Pastures.

Nothing prepared me for the move to Mississippi from Florida.  Such a different and hateful place; moreso that I’m transgender; not to mention I’m lesbian too.  I have no friends locally; I have family locally, but many of them are distant or refuse to see me for the wonderful and lovely person I am.

I have become so much more than the sum of my parts, including my ‘danglies’ that will be dealt with soon enough.  I feel I am just trapped in a body that’s not even mine– I guess I’m renting it– until such time as I can make the renovations to make it truly my own.  This is the limbo, the Purgatory, I’m living in:  Not feminine enough for the trans-community’s most vocal pundits, and not lesbian enough or woman enough for cis-gendered lesbians and their unforgiving ilk.  Nothing hurts me more than to tell me “[you’re] not worthy!”

Dammit, I’m more woman than you’ll ever know, care to know, or experience!  Shove off…  Or as some of my British friends would say:  “Bugger off, Wanker!”  I’m fed up with this stereotyping and complacency in the groups and chats and pages of Lesbians and other Transgender groups on Facebook and other social media sites!  I created Trans Out World Magazine (http://transoutworld.tk) for all of is who have felt the harassment of “tranny”-chasers, trolling Christian hate-mongers, and other such unsavory miscreants.  Nary a day goes by when I’m accosted by scam artists from Nigeria, people who claim to be Americans willing to help me and yet demand money from me when I’m still trying to collect on my royalties, and others who just want me to ‘take it off’ and ‘show me’.  I’m not that kind of gal, and refuse to have long-distance masturbation sessions– HELL NO!– and that’s all sexting and chat-sex are; nothing more!

I am a woman of high morals.  I am a woman of decent standards.  I am a woman that loves the rich life, but understands I don’t have the budget for that.  My credit is poor.  I owe for student loans and I’m unemployed because I am unable to get out to find work; the internet is a lovely proposition, but there’s no one really hiring for anything that would allow for me to stay home and work and do my job– retail sales are taken care of by automated systems, tossed off to real people in warehouses and logistics locations, then shipped off to you– what part of this allows me to intercede or intercept anything in this situation from home?  Nothing, again.  My computer expertise is relegated to specific systems and application, of which I’d love to tutor, but alas no one trusts the ‘outsider’.

I have been writing for a long time.  Since before I realized I knew what the word “imagination” meant.  I was a smart kid, read far above the grade level (I was reading second year college in fifth grade), and I loved to play house, and dress up and tea party, and my dad wanted nothing to do with that.  He literally tried to beat it out of me at age 5!

I still love dinner parties and entertaining.  I love to cook and bake and make things happen in the kitchen; this time spent with my sister Cindy has proved challenging, but also enlightening and because I can assimilate a lot of things in any environment, I can work things out in my head for substitutions for people with food allergies, or the dislike of certain foods.  it’s works for many people, and it works for me:  I’m allergic to cinnamon and coconut, two healthy agents that help to curb hunger and lose weight naturally.  (Sucks to be me… LOL)

I am not usually this eloquent when I speak, but that’s all going to chance, and very soon!  I am working on several projects, the least of which if the aforementioned online magazine.  I want the very best for my Trans* Family!  The very best!  I am working on a trans-friendly homeless shelter, specializing in education, counseling for allies and trans, a safe environment from bullying and negative impacts, a location for those in transition to transition into proper residential situations, blood testing with an endocrinologist on site (hormones levels, HIV/AIDS, medical conditions), and a RNP on-site for routine visits and prescriptions.  I would also provide meals to homeless people, whether trans or not, and have a separate location, on-site- with a chaperone, for out trans-youth who have been put out of their homes due to unaccepting parents or guardians.

I am also proposing the creation of a charity organization called “Sisters’ Hearts Gateway” that will be available to provide, at little or no cost, resources for all of our Trans Family worldwide!  I want this charity to help provide employment, housing and educational assistance in the US, with branches in every country in the world.  I want to do this by the end of 2015.  This is no small task!

I want to make my magazine a printed publication for the Trans Community to make things happen and to give them a reason to no longer be afraid of coming OUT; let us help make that a reality for the many who are still closeted.  I also have three businesses that I can’t run on my own:  one is an indie game development studio, one is a graphic design studio, and one is a game guide and book publishing entity.  None of these are real without me.  None of these are here without me.  I am willing to go the extra mile to be the largest trans-employed entity in the world and it all starts with you:  family, friends and allies!

I need to get to Los Angeles and to document this all the way.  I am so nervous with anticipation that I can’t contain myself!  I want to get underway very quickly and be there before Christmas (or New Year’s Day) if possible.

I am a woman of vision and a woman of dreams!  I am a visionary and someone who truly cares about equality and human rights.  Please help me to achieve my goals, and through this effort, we can be proud to be called Transgender!  Please help me to make this happen!

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My NEW Revelation

For all of my friends and cohorts who know me, know of me and can call me family (you know who you are), I have been struck with a revelation just today! I am not transgender, I am transsexual. I am working to get that stigma understood for my friends and family to really understand, but I think time will be the best healer and leveler of the playing field, so to speak.

I feel strange about this revelation. I feel stupid about it, though. One thought in one direction and multiple in another, and it led me to the Logo TV website. Another couple of hours later and I stumbled upon “TRANSform Me”, a television series that takes three transsexual women and make-over a pleading woman who lacks her own style and fashion sense. It’s a wonderful program. I enjoyed it.

I am looking for some assistance. I live in Mississippi and not too many people here are up-to-speed about the LGBTQ lifestyle, much less our community. It totally sucks about what I am doing in my new job. My roommate, who also used to work for my boss, told me to “dress like a guy to get the job, but work through it a few weeks and gradually change it up.” I couldn’t completely do that; I brought my purse the first day, and dug through it to get my hairbrush and my pens and cellphone. Sorry, I will reveal all, but not too soon. (I wear my man-pants like I would as a woman would, and I like it better that way.) I do wear “t-shirts” but are just pull-over blouses that look like close-fitting t-shirts. It does help me to feel better while working in a mostly female environment.

After coming home sick on Friday with laryngitis, and trying to stay out of the family’s way while I recuperated, I surfed the internet for some stuff and played Eve Online, too. I’m still struggling to stay warm in a warm house; frequent chills are getting me down. (I might have something that I don’t want to go to hospital for; I got out of there for pneumonia in early April, and I don’t think I recovered from it.)

I like my job, don’t get me wrong, but it’s harder than most telemarketing jobs I’ve had. There’s no training course to get through. There’s no hand-holding here. It’s all about the quantity of the calls you make and how to get back into the mix when you’ve gotten a bad call or an answering machine or the customer on the other end forgets who you are and why you’re calling and makes you look like a fool (that part’s recorded).

I now have a purpose and a direction. I need to have my surgery, grab my paperwork and assess what needs to be fixed first, then go from there. The easiest one: my Social Security card. The hardest I think will be my drivers’ license and passport. I can’t wait to get this underway! I need a job to carry on making money to do these things; without one, I cannot even start hormone therapy and counseling. I feel this job is a step backwards and it feels like someone is swatting my hands with a wooden ruler every time I try to make forward strides.

The family I live with love me, the kids don’t want me to move. I can understand that, too. I do love it here. I feel better here than I do at my sisters’ homes; B’s home is smoke-filled because she and my brother-in-law both smoke. C’s home isn’t so bad, but she’ll go into any room with a lit cigarette and then apologize when she’s in the one I’m borrowing. Her husband, T, chews tobacco, and that’s not as bad as second- and third-hand smoke.

I discovered that my closest counseling location is in Gulfport, MS. That’s quite a distance from where I currently reside. I don’t want people to think I’m lazy or disrespectful, but that’s nowhere near Tupelo! I want something closer to me. (If I can have a lawyer assist me with getting Medicare for my diabetes and depression, then I’m one step closer… I think.)

So tired of people giving me the run-around and telling me they can’t help me unless I have some sort of income! That’s monetary discrimination! Everywhere I turn, if I don’t have the money, I can’t get the treatment I need. I have bill collectors already hounding me for money, for a 3 1/2 day hospital stay! It totals to almost $9000! Moved to another state and I’m in debt already– within the first 6 months– is the state of my luck!? I sure hope not.

What can someone like me, in dire straits, do to get the help I need? Should I check myself into a mental health facility, tell them about my suicidal tendencies due to my depression and lack of support system? What options do I have short of getting labeled disturbed or insane? I’m caught between a rock and a hard place and can’t seem to get enough purchase to thrust myself away. Please help me.

Whenever I can, I check my Yahoo!Groups for the latest conversations and pictures. I want to have these kinds of good things happen to me, too, but I cannot where I am living! Florida, in the county where I moved from, I was denied all kinds of care related to my transsexual nature: hormone therapy, individual counseling, AND surgery. Denied them ALL! I was on county healthcare, and they took care of my diabetes supplies and meds, my depression and ‘head shrinking’ meds– all of it!– yes for something as simple as getting prepared for my transition and making way for the new me: FORGET IT! They apparently thought that I didn’t count. I didn’t matter. They had their medical stuff covered, whatever it was; I didn’t because, apparently, I’m just barely human enough to be considered human, to partake in that medical system. I have to purchase medical insurance out of my own pocket, and with my job, I don’t even think I can do that right now…

If I had some way to get the treatment I need, the connection to others like me in a location I can call home, I would be so happy right now! I am so depressed right now, and sick, that I’m thinking about “it” while I’m playing with my tiny multi-tool. I just need someone to hold me close, and tell me “everything’s going to be okay” and really mean it. I’m struggling to keep a fresh face and happy mood. This facade-crap I have to play at work is really getting me down! I think that’s my I’m ill now, too.

Why should I compromise my values and ethics for a boss who has no clue about who I am? I want to tell him. Nowhere on the application did it list GENDER. Nowhere! I am not a man, I am a woman who has needs and wants and goals and feelings.

Please leave your comments. I want your advice and assistance in this. If anyone is interested in hiring me for logo design, font work and other such graphics, please comment below. I want to move in the worst way, have a valid drivers’ license, and want to get out of Mississippi in the worst way!