The Election and Real Problems

According to sources that are all over the media outlets, Obama’s going to pay for his Obamacare by charging an additional 20% across the board for additional Federal taxes.  The Feds are already taking about 38% already from most of the Americans who have good full-time jobs.  That’s 58% out of your paychecks every time you get paid, then you have to contribute to Obamacare to keep your family healthy.  Also, once you are no longer a ‘recoverable asset’ in the tenets of Obamacare, you will either be taken somewhere to live out the last few days (e.i. death camp) or given a pill (i.e. chemical euthanasia) to force you out of the system.

This is ALL on top of a 50% reduction in the US military force, across the board, and the physical items and vehicles are stuck where they are– the only changeable and mutable force in any military as in any company is it’s personnel!  That’s RIGHT!  50% of American military personnel will be out of a job come the New Year!  What are we going to do about it?

Well, the only other ‘candidate’ that’s on the ballot is Romney!  Romney’s just an older wealthy rich kid who thinks privilege is his right and screw everyone who is not part of his elitist crowd.  He’s going to put an end to Planned Parenthood, the EPA, Obamacare (YAY!), try to rectify the Chinese Loanshark Deficit and working to correct the jobs dilemma and the economy problems.

Romney’s going to need at least two terms of 6 years to correct the Obama Blunderhead!  Yes, 6 years!  If it takes 2 to start the reversal of fortunes that the previous president started, then someone’s going to need an additional 4 to get it put back on the right track– not necessarily the right path– because we NEED to get people ensconced in making America Great, NOT making America the laughing stock of the World!

What we need is a solution that’s not going to be a corruption of power, but a reinvention of the American Dream!  Romney’s view is that from a pair of rose-colored glasses from his teenage years:  never really the true color of America, but he can still navigate and direct traffic.  Obama thinks that we need to be pidgeonholed into little slices of society or medical problems and dealt with as broken or irredeemable to work because of his Obamacare taxing American workers and siphoning off our hard-earned money to fund the unfundable!!!

I have a plan to take the Next Step.  It requires everyone to look where they are.  It requires everyone to imaging where we’ll be in the next 4 years!  We will either be jobless, homeless and in a work/death camp (Obama) or we’ll have fewer jobs, more taxes to fund a broken deficit (but fewer than with Obamacare) and struggling from paycheck to paycheck (much like we are now) with Romney, while Romney and his Elitist 1% get all the tax breaks they want!

Here’s my plan:  Vote for me.  Write me in!  I will turn around the Government by making it smaller, but the states a little bigger in their responsibilities.  I will tell China to “Get Bent!” and give them back whatever I can to ensure a balanced budget– including cutting off Free Trade from them and Wal-Mart’s use of Chinese product and offer low-cost, good-quality product from American Manufacturers– all while imposing tariffs and fines on ANY companies sending jobs overseas!  That money will go directly to bolster our deficit– Do not pass Goldman-Sachs; Do not kickback the PAC groups– and get our country back in the BLACK!

I’m want women to choose, with a physician’s advice, whether to abort a child.  I believe in equal rights for all– not just for SOME– and never being more equal than others!  I want equal rights for all LGBTQ people, minorities and anyone in school!  I want American workers to know that their jobs are safe AND I’m not shipping them overseas!  I want single-parents to understand that you can work from home, manage a household and STILL make ends meet– you just need the right tools and the proper training– and internet for everyone to accomplish that goal!

I will never compromise on the American People!  You should never compromise on a Presidential Candidate!  You are all my brothers and sisters, inhabitants of our Great Nation!  Go to the polls and cast your vote!

A vote for me is a vote for America!  A vote for America is a vote FOR YOU!

~ This Message was Paid For by Robynn Penelope Mussell– an activist for the American People! ~

Inappropriate Pictures on Facebook

One of my Facebook friends, who is an adult porn star overseas, shared a photo from one of her Facebook friends.  It shows a man snogging one woman’s voluptuous breast while the other is pointing right at the camera, unclothed.  There’s nothing covering her nipple and areola.

I am sorry but I had to report this picture and the person who posted it to one of his albums.  I went through the proper Facebook channels and left the basic reply about it:  “Hey [Facebook guy], there’s something about this photo that bothers me.  Would you please take it down?  Thanks.”  The woman just seemed nonplussed by the whole thing and allowed the picture to be taken– that’s another reason for the Facebook report.

I got this response:  “It’s ok baby”!  WTF?!  I don’t know this guy!  I wouldn’t be able to tell him from any other pre-teen juvenile pervert (should he be one).  I responded as follows…

Please, don’t call me baby. I don’t know you and that’s just being rude. I would rather not see this kind of thing on Facebook. There’s enough of that that I see behind closed doors and in the private moments with my GF, so I do not care to see such pictures. I reported you to Facebook to have it removed, and should you not comply, Facebook reserves the right to ban and/or delete your account. Your friend [name removed to protect her identity] ‘shared’ that one photo. It is quite distasteful and, regardless of the look on the woman’s face, inappropriate.

I hope you would consider the outcome of children seeing a photo like this ‘accidentally’ shared to them, through someone their parents know and have ‘friended’ through them. It is people like you who seem to just be irresponsible about their actions, and posting and sharing stuff on Facebook, and through proxy, the internet, that none of this stuff ever can be deleted or properly removed because it’s archived somewhere… Please be responsible for your actions. Think before you post.

I am tired of witnessing the criminal idiots and the stupidity of so-called intelligent people.  You may have a PhD in whatever Astrophysics or Rocket Science, ad nauseam, and still, to the dismay of your colleagues sexting or posting inappropriate photos of your body parts, to those same colleagues, family friends, or in the worst case, to the children of those colleagues and/or family friends.  You are one sick person.

I cannot stand idly by and witness another person, probably using Mom and/or Dad’s credit cards, to purchase time at the millions of pornographic websites, to get their jollies off and wipe up with a few Kleenex-brand facial tissues!  Then Mom figures it’s dad who is doing these things, all the while Little O’Boyo (or L’il O’Lassy) laughs it off in secrecy in his (her) bedroom doing it all over and over again!  More often, it’s the young boy who’s personal experimentation is brought into question as are his motives for doing it.

Mom finds her little boy’s magazine stash cleaning up his room (that he should be doing on his own) and throws them away after perusing their contents.  She thinks nothing of it until she gets a call from school where he exposed himself before a group of girls in the girl’s lav or he forced himself on one of his female classmates…

This is just a worst case scenario.  When I was in school, I found out what it was to ‘pleasure’ myself.  No one called me a pervert or worse…  No one really knew.  Once I started hanging out with certain people that I considered ‘cool’, I got up the nerve to have relations with my male friends and friendships with my female friends…  I realized then that I was different…

I don’t want anyone to think I don’t know what I’m talking about.  In this day and age of internet awareness, even an IM somewhere (Yahoo! Messenger, AOL Instant Messenger, Skype to name a few) can be stored for future recall and used in a court of law to prosecute these people.

Needless to say, he responded to my little warning with “Motherf***”.  I replied in kind:  “Where do you get off calling me that?  I don’t know you.  I’m just trying to figure you out and where you’re intelligence has gone.”  Have we, as a global community, fallen so short of morals that we will call our elders these kinds of names?

He replied “Sorry.”  I responded:  “What were you thinking posting a picture like that?  That no one would see it…  Just a few friends?  Remember, if you post something and share it with friends (even a picture like that), it can be shared to others who may not share your view of it– I like the female form, in all of it’s nude glory, as an ‘art piece’– but that picture was not artful in any way, IMHO.”

I’m not trying to be a bitch here.  I’m trying to help him see that we’re all human and that not everyone will view ‘his take on art’ as ‘an honest view of art’ but as porn.  If she had covered her other breast up with her free hand, then I could classify it as a little more art and less porn, but that’s not what the picture showed…  If that was this guy in the picture, it could have been his ‘first time’ and this was the aftermath… LOL  I don’t know.  I wasn’t there.  I didn’t take the picture.  The woman could have been a family friend of his, a prostitute; anyone.  Again, I don’t know.

I think he’s talking to our mutual adult movie star friend, telling her about my ‘tirade’, or worst case, copy/pasting it to her to read.  If that’s the case, she may have the same view I have– inappropriate– and she’s apologizing to him for sharing it on her timeline.  If she does not and has posted stuff on my wall/timeline, then I may just remover her from my friends list.  It all really depends on what she’s thinking…

Knowing that there’s always a conversation somewhere and that there’s many different sides to an arguement can lead to different views and assertions.  I hope I have gotten through to him tonight and that he is a little more aware to whom he sends porn-related pictures to in the future– not on Facebook anymore– and does it through e-mail or Skype… LOL

Hugs and Kisses,

Whom to Vote For…

This is one of the biggest challenges facing us today is whom to vote for.  I’d rather not vote for someone who’s going to tax everyone making less than $1,000,000 a year and the elderly and wipe out college grants.  I’d rather not vote for someone who claims we need to ride it out and stay the course.  We’re in a faltering economy, barely above water, and still both candidates are poking fun at each other, debating over double talk and rhetoric, and still not making any sense…  Whom should we vote for?

I think the safest person to vote for is yourself.  You know your strengths and weaknesses.  You know what needs to be accomplished to bring the US back to its former glory and reinvigorate the economy.  You feel that there’s more to it all than just living from paycheck to paycheck, existing from week to week, and taking on a whole huge commute from home to work and back…  It’s all about knowing how you feel about the situations you’re in and finally doing something about it.

I’m voting for myself:  Robynn Penelope!  I’m voting for equality across ALL genders and perceived genders, those of us who have the compassion to love unconditionally, be who you are and not what society wants you to be, and to live life to its fullest!  Everyone is equal.  Rich and poor.  Straight and gay and trans.  Everyone wants equality no matter who you are and where you live.  I believe in equal rights for everyone.  Not just a select few or the socially elite.  That just makes more problems and causes revolutions to break out:  dictators in power and their people struggling against their yoke of oppression.  Like the adage says:  “Absolute Power Corrupts Absolutely”!  Unity, mutual respect and love go a long way to fixing the ills of our great nation!

Let’s all agree to disagree.  We all have our own opinions, our own minds.  Not voting is a vote for ignorance!  An uninformed vote makes the wrong choices for our children, their children and their children.  We’re in debt for at least a generation, we’re struggling to make our next mortgage payments and barely making enough to keep the kids in public school!  What’s next!?

Look, this is just an editorial and not really much of anything else.  I want people to realize their votes are their to give.  Holding your votes back is also not any good.  You need to be informed to make that decision and then cast your vote for whomever is the lesser of the evils.  Problem is:  you can never really tell who that is and what his/her message truly is until s/he get into office and s/he shows his/her true colors!  If you decide to vote for me, then that’s all on you (and me).  I will do what I can to reduce the debt, try to not raise taxes much, and to rebuild our military and space programs, pumping up our educational systems to meet nationwide standards (not statewide standards)!

I’ll do my very best as president, but please understand that your votes mean the world to me.  No matter who you are and where you’re going, I’ll treat every vote are a message.  That message is “change”, “equality” and “less debt”!  I can accomplish this as long as you believe in me!  We can do this together!

Let’s do this!  Please vote for me (or for yourself!).  It’s all relevant in this day and age!  Let’s do this!

Hugs and Kisses,
~Robynn Penelope

Craziness (I Have to Move?)

I have been finding it hard to deal with the loss of my relationship with my fiancee, and I still call her “hon”.  It’s very difficult.  She’s told me that if I wasn’t satisfied with her, to tell her and we’d split.  That wasn’t the case.  She also told me that I should have told her that I had this problem with my gender identity back when we first met; I never knew what it was until only about a month or so ago.  I never really understood what my body was telling me.

Until I grasped the bull by the horns, and she found some ‘aids’ I was using to force my body into a more feminine shape, she told our landlord and I agreed to seek counseling and treatment.  It wasn’t until I had done some serious research for what I’m dealing with, realized what it is, and came to the conclusion of what I have been suffering from for the past 27 years:  gender dysphoria.
I had both hetero- and homosexual relationships.  I was being self-destructive with the male partners; I wanted to end my life with contracting HIV or AIDS…  I was really messed up then, in my early teen years!  It only came to a head when my mother died and I found myself on the street.  I had some really good friends, and their parents (part of the time), who had allowed me to camp out on a couch or reclining chair or cot, just to get through another day…  I was so distraught over my living conditions that I eventually asked the county for help and they provided, at least, a temporary shelter in a motel, complete with a bathroom!  I stayed there for a couple of weeks, my stipend ended, I moved, my friends told me I could have stayed there another couple of months; the county was going to pick up the tab for that long…  Too bad I had found another, more stable location, and I had a house to run through.

I had been experimenting with various substances (not exactly legal) back then.  I gave up the quest for partnership and relationships that involved intimacy, delving deeper into college and schoolwork.  I quit soon after because of a young lady in my Speech class who had taken a shine to me after I told her about role-playing games (in a speech I wrote for class).  I got an A in the class, she had gotten a B, but that was midterm; I don’t remember her name, I wish I did…  She said she was from Iowa…

I never really knew what was happening to me.  I was so confused that I thought I was some kind of space alien.  I couldn’t fathom what was going on and what I really needed in my life.  Sometimes I just wanted to be normal, but never really knew how.

People really end up not knowing because they refuse to know, feel they don’t have to know, and as long as it isn’t happening to them, then it’s okay to kill off whatever functions or burn whatever bridges they feel they can live without.  I thought certain people could respect me; I guess I was wrong…  Oh well, karma can be a bitch– and so can I– but that’s another story!

Not sure what else to say here, so I’ll end it here.  Please help to inform those of your friends that they’re wanted, but that they need to know their apathy affects everyone and all the things you both used to hold dear.  Male.  Female.  Gay.  Lesbian.  Bisexual.  Queer.  Trans.  It’s all REAL and it’s all here!  We’re here…  Come talk and get to know us before you judge us; we’re like you:  Human!

A Lost Friend (and Renewed Confidence)

I just received an e-mail from a friend.  His name is Matthew.  (I removed his e-mail address to keep his identity private.)  I also wrote him back.

— the lost friend’s e-mail —

Dear Rob,
For your inabilitiy to see what you are doing is wrong. Our friendship is over because I do not want to be friends with a crossdresser who think he is a woman. You also need serious help because you are leaving Tami who needs somebody in her life because of what she is going through.  To be honest I would have baker acted you after this is over and probably still do. Oh and you had it nice and cozy where you were living there were only 2 things Pepy wanted you to do and those are getting a job and also he wanted you off his insurance.
Matthew [removed the rest of his name to protect his identity]
If you see my mother or I anywhere you go stay away from us.

— end of his e-mail —


Here’s my reply.

— my rebuttal e-mail —

If my gender difficulties were any of your personal concern, I would have been more open to your dialogue than I was.  But since you had no dialogue with me, your opinion is completely moot and devoid of any logic or facts.
Yes.  My happiness is more important to me than having to live the rest of my life lying to others, and to myself, about everything that makes me me.  If you sincerely feel that I ruined our friendship, just how shallow are you?  I was not the one to break off this friendship:  YOU WERE!
I had to tell T [my former fiancee -edit].  It was what a friend would do in any circumstance.  A friend.  Something that I know we were, you decided, without any of my consult, to destroy.  If you truly were my friend, you would respect my decision, my choices and the anime I prefer.  You took it upon yourself to rip my from your life and to tell others that I am less of a Human Being than even you are, and you live with your mother at 37!
I had to take my leave from Tami because she would not allow me to crossdress in the place I felt most comfortable:  the home we shared.  We have been living like roommates, FYI, for the past 10+ months because we couldn’t agree on being intimate.  My finding out through research that I was, and AM, transgendered, that I immediately told Tami and she’s the one who alienated me; it was never the other way around.
Also, L [edited] and I had an agreement and we still have an agreement.  This piece of the puzzle is between him and I.  If you want to bark up that tree, and shake the peaches out, then by all means, take it up with L [edited].  He’d love to tell you to stick it in your arse because “It’s none of your damn business!”  I informed L [edited] on Sunday and he was okay with it.  We talked about it today, and it’s all been hammered out.  The details are between the two of us!
As far as you are concerned, if we really had a friendship, or a working relationship, would you quit your job if your boss came out and told the staff of his decision to become a woman?  I bet you are just as xenophobic and uninformed as much of the world in these kinds of things.
I’m still trying to figure you out…  You’re my friend as long as I’m a guy, but when I go to bat for the other team, you turn tail and run as far as fast as you can.  Who died and made you Relationship Emporer!?  Who fell off the planet to make you decide that I’m not longer worthy of your presence as your friend?!
You needed to tell me, in person, to break this off, but you decided that it was best for you to throw out your two cents and force me out of your life, hiding like a coward behind a few choice words.  I can’t decide which is worse:  losing a friend based on his ignorance, or losing a friend due to cowardice and juvenile motives.  It’s like you up and decided I had cooties or something, and stopped being my friend!  What I have is injustice for my decisions by people like you, and the lack of personal support of those whom I consider great friends who will actually go to bat for me.
I can’t figure you out.  I’m not going to waste my time and effort trying to determine what your egregious malfunction is.  It’s no longer relevant.  Your ignorance is showing and it’s making you look ugly and idiotic.
Have a nice day!
— end of rebuttal e-mail —
My real question is:  Why would someone whom I’ve known for almost 11 years suddenly decide to break off the friendship we shared over a serious decision I’ve made?
Where did I go wrong?  That’s something that’s been bothering me too, but I know where I went wrong:  I didn’t continue the path when I was younger and take my dad up on that sex change surgery.  I believe that’s where my path had to diverge, then to discover who I truly am, and to diverge again.

… Couldn’t Sleep

I couldn’t sleep this morning until 8:00 am.  I tossed and turned in bed for about two hours, my mind on hyperdrive, just trying to make sense of it all.  There’s so much to do, yet such a tiny window of opportunity, that if I don’t take it, I will never feel whole or complete.

L wants things his way.  If they’re not, I’m the one who gets lambasted over tools not put back and he’s the one who was the last to use them.  I’m his gopher and he tells anyone who listens just how irresponsible I am, how lazy I am.  I’m tired, literally, of this kind of treatment.  He starts to yell at me, I go to try to explain my position, he doesn’t want to hear it, then I get frustrated and angry, and he tells me to cool it in front of other people (or at the swap meet).  He expects me to be out helping him from 9:00 am to about 5 or 6:00 pm, a 30-minute lunch break, and then I get until 2:00 am the next morning to do whatever I need to do (whether it’s school, my own computer fixes or writing anything), it’s all I get roughly, then off to bed and get up by 8:30 or 9:00 am.  It’s so damn unrealistic!  His expectations are such that he’s wanting me to sell off all of the stuff he considers unneeded or unwanted.  This, too, is unrealistic.

My former fiancee has been misunderstanding my point of view now for quite some time.  I’m just not sure if she’s going to comprehend any of this explanation…  I love her dearly and I am not going to sacrifice my health, well-being or happiness to make her happy.  I can’t do it any longer!  My happiness is what’s important, and without it, I’m going to break, crack, fall to pieces, split in two, or worse…  No one wants me worse than that!  (Not even me!)

Where do I get off this Roller Coaster of Terror?  How can I shut it off or destroy it?  Where’s my rail gun?!  (LOL)  I just need to get off this spinning, rotating, coalescing and flowing headache and start fresh, start anew.  My happiness is counting on it and I have nothing better to do than make myself, finally, happy and set realistic goals, because I cannot with L constantly dictating what I can do if I’m working with him, when I can eat, take breaks, go to the restroom (yes, even this! and I’ve gotten sick over it).  It totally stinks when I have to go, have to hold it while retrieving tools and bending over, and then have to trot or run as fast as I can to get back to the trailer, rip the door open and dash for the bathroom, hoping I don’t mess in my shorts! Then he has the audacity to keep telling me, whenever I have to go, “again!?” in German.  Every time!  Doctors will tell you that it’s healthy to go at least 3 times a day!  Not once every two days!  If I’m sick, I can’t take time off, but when he is, he takes off whatever number of days he feels he needs to to recuperate.  The only time I get off is when I request it for doctors appointments, job searches, computer gigs and other such things, but should I need to take time off for me, just to have a little break from the tyranny of his wrath, I get no such relief!  None!

I have so many things on my own plate that I haven’t the time to get any of it working, much less able to work it all out so I can get stuff reviewed for publication and/or manufacturing.  My games studio is just a handful of loosely connected people who contact each other through Skype or Facebook Messenger, and we have had to put stuff off (or I’ve had to delegate stuff to some of the others because I have no time to do it myself)!  I even have to quit using Skype because L thinks it’s eating up bandwidth and causing problems with his internet connection (he’s wired in and I’m wireless about 50 to 100 feet away in another trailer).  He ends up getting so much more bandwidth than I do!

I will feel bad about leaving, but he’s already said that as soon as I tell him that I’m done with all this, that I’m out.  He left me an out, but will he abide by it?  I have to get my stuff out before I tell him or I may not get to take anything with me.  That’s another problem I have with him!  My stuff is mine, not his!  All of the stuff that’s mine!  I just wish I knew where to take it temporarily so I can then move it as soon as my window opens…  I can pack my stuff up into the car and Ria’s minivan, and that should be it.  Simple.  But I’m just worried that he’s going to intervene and tell me I can’t take anything.  I am going to get my stuff this evening, set it in my office and see what boxes I can get to just toss stuff into, to start packing to move.  That’s just the best way I can deal with it.

I can no longer wait for anyone to allow me to do things, I have to take the initiative and do.  This sideline permission depression thing has been taking a significant toll on my private life, my personal life, and the time during the day for me to get errands done.  What can I do if I can’t take the initiative and make my life happen?  I just need to be in a better place, and I know where that is:  not here!

At P&M’s, the place that I will call home soon, I will have a better shot at getting things done with my games, getting things finished (because I have no time to do any of that) and work with the people who believe in my abilities and my journey; they know it will be a struggle for me, but it’s something that I must do to be and feel better about myself.  Much like traipsing through the wilderness in The Last Ninja after you realize all of what you learn there will be tested upon reaching the palace to off the evil emperor and his henchmen, I have to complete my tasks as I see them, and not start, go do something else that’s not even related to what I was doing, and come back and lose the place where I was because of the grandiose crap that I had to break away to do!  I’m through with all that.

It sounds like I’m venting, and I think I am, in some respects.  L will never see this until I’m good and ready to show him (or never).  I want all of my friends to know that it’s not all my fault, not all my doing, not at all what I wanted to do when I lost my job (this year).  I wanted to be able to save up, move out and take my leave to be in a better place.  Still looking and trying to get things set up for my transition, my metamorphosis.

I hope I’ll be in a better place soon…

Here’s Hoping!

New Place and Trepidations

I have been given a wonderful opportunity to finally finish my RPG and off to a new location. (Same town, but a new location.) I thank those who needed me to do so, and those who see this as an adventure into me! Thank you all.

I also think this is seriously going to benefit me in the long run. I can be responsible for assisting with the house and making dinner and such, but allowing me to be me and not have to look back. Currently, being in my current home, I feel so unsafe and unwelcome. It’s more because of my landlord’s actions and the way he talks, and the way my former fiancee has wanted me to stay (and live my life in my artificial skin) for her to be happy (and me miserable). I can’t do that any longer. I just have to tell them that I’m leaving and I need this to help me grow. My job search can wait and I will get better through the help of my ‘true friends’! P & M have opened up their hearts and their home to me, and I have nothing but the utmost respect for them and their decision. Their son, J, also thinks I’m a little goofy, but that’s because he’s 20 months old… I love them all! They’re like my extended family; allowing me to come into their lives like this, and to allow me to set up myself for success in their home. The last time I was offered a place to live was back in college (physically going to college) and I met a mutual friend of another friend, and I talked to her and her husband. They had two children and a housemate. I loved them like family and I respected them completely, but I got restless when I started to CD again, and didn’t know how to approach them. The only thing I could figure out was to leave, strike out on my own, and take the unsafe path again… I ended up regretting it.

Eventually, I managed to lose my job at the time and many friends because they never really knew me and I thought I knew them. CB was a great friend throughout all this, as were his grandparents, and I loved them too. CB is one of my Facebook friends; we reconnected over the last year and he was happy to hear from me again. He missed me! Thanks CB!

I hope I can leave this place without any incident, without any conflict. I have paid my dues with L. (All of the back rent has been paid in full since I have been keeping track of the hours I’ve worked and rounded the hourly wage to $7. I can’t be his indentured servant any longer; it’s seriously causing me grief, discord and depression… It’s also the reason for my over-eating and stress-related weight gain.)

I am worried I cannot take all of my stuff. I have a small office to move (a desk, printer, rack-style server, one server-made-desktop, another 10-bay sata server, my music and karaoke collection, my programming books and other RPG books and guides, mic and mic stand, my RockBank guitar… lol) There’s more stuff, but that’s the first thing that goes. Then there’s the other stuff: clothes, toiletries (toilet trees? LOL), software and OS discs, MP3 players and thumb drives, Xbox 360 controllers, computer parts, crates and bags of books and connection cables. There’s at least a metric tonne of stuff I so have to move, and maybe a few hours to move it, if that! It’s something I want and need to take. I have a couple of older Apple Macs that has a hard drive that’s been shared between them and an Amiga 500 with about 6 years of collected software. That’s what I originally wrote my RPG on: the A500! Then onto the PC, then Macs, then back to PC. With this change, I will be able to finish it, get it published and start making money with it… Then onto bigger and better things.

So many things I’ll be able to do now that I’ll finally be out there and among the living, because as it was, I was only existing and barely feeling alive!  I cannot deal with the ignorant and misinformed anymore.  Moreover, I can’t help but feel sorry for T (my former fiancee) and what she’s been through and what’s been going on with her; when I leave, I’m gone and she doesn’t even want anything to do with me.  I’ve always left my girlfriends (and some of my boyfriends, they came back to friends after they realized I was not the gossip queen they thought I’d be) as friends, because life’s too short to be caught up in regret, grudge and excommunication.  I’d rather be friends with someone than not and I’d rather feel safe than not.  I think anyone would given who they are and who they’re with.

We all have a Fight or Flight response, though with men, it seems that it’s more Offense, Defense, or Defense to Offense.  Women typically have just a Fight or Flight response to threatening behavior.  I have been living with my psyche twisted in knots and have never realized what it was that it needed:  now I know and I am feeling SO LIBERATED with this coming change!  I need it and I know my friends are looking forward to getting some help in the exchange.  I’m a little nervous with it, but I think I can immediately fit right in!  Their needed Tetris 4-block piece to clean out that pesky Tetris at the top of their game, impeding their progress…  I hope it’s a clean fit! LOL

I am still feeling a bit nervous and not really sure what to do.  I only have a tiny window of opportunity and need to get out of this endless cycle of grief, discord and depression, or “I will do something drastic and may not survive the night.”  I certainly don’t need nor want anything like this at all!  I just want to be:  Be Normal in an Abnormal World!  As far as I am concerned:  “I’m the Normal One!  All the Rest of You are the Crazy Ones!”  As far as my overall health is concerned, I feel at my best when I’m dealing with certain things and using my brain in a way that’s conducive in my healing and in my expression.  I cannot deliver on those promises, any promises, unless I can commit to a time frame and schedule with which to create my best work, bend my rather odd mind around that which I need to for my imagination to be firing on all neurons, and to become all that I can be on my time and realization.  Without these things, and the parts of my life that must be turned upside-down because of the crap that’s been heaped upon me, I must rise above the grossness, the melancholy, the grotesque, the ugly, the uninformed and ignorant masses, the broken and the distraught, the worn out and the walked on, to come to the proper ideals that everyone must strive to emulate:  Logic, Common Sense and the utter need to be Loved.  Not lusted after or intimately prodded (however that should work) because that is not love, that is the act of, what some people would call “lovemaking” and that’s not Love at all!

I know this all sounds well and good, but I believe that there’s a whole aspect of people’s lives that they take for granted because they see no other way to make things happen than whatever they’ve done for years– that same old person in that same old rut placed there by that person’s lack of foresight into where they need to truly be– not ruled by the inaccuracies of laws that force people into arbitrary categories or social levels or monetary worth.  I’m not condoning the world become Communist, not in the least; what I am saying is that everyone has something to learn, to teach and to understand either way, growing from a personal standpoint.  My friends, whom know of my journey, will need to know what I’m doing and where I’m going with all this…

This is my journey.  This is my journal.  This is my trek through the unknown, but I have a great support system, and friends who believe in my accomplishment, and the path that I must tread to get there.  Kyle (my counselor) and Whitney (a counseling intern), Pl&M, Mika, my sisters T & B, extended sisters KatB, Ria, my brothers RB and TJF, and all of those people who have walked before me, and those who will tread in my footsteps…  All of these journal entries are yours to read and try to make sense of.