New Place and Trepidations

I have been given a wonderful opportunity to finally finish my RPG and off to a new location. (Same town, but a new location.) I thank those who needed me to do so, and those who see this as an adventure into me! Thank you all.

I also think this is seriously going to benefit me in the long run. I can be responsible for assisting with the house and making dinner and such, but allowing me to be me and not have to look back. Currently, being in my current home, I feel so unsafe and unwelcome. It’s more because of my landlord’s actions and the way he talks, and the way my former fiancee has wanted me to stay (and live my life in my artificial skin) for her to be happy (and me miserable). I can’t do that any longer. I just have to tell them that I’m leaving and I need this to help me grow. My job search can wait and I will get better through the help of my ‘true friends’! P & M have opened up their hearts and their home to me, and I have nothing but the utmost respect for them and their decision. Their son, J, also thinks I’m a little goofy, but that’s because he’s 20 months old… I love them all! They’re like my extended family; allowing me to come into their lives like this, and to allow me to set up myself for success in their home. The last time I was offered a place to live was back in college (physically going to college) and I met a mutual friend of another friend, and I talked to her and her husband. They had two children and a housemate. I loved them like family and I respected them completely, but I got restless when I started to CD again, and didn’t know how to approach them. The only thing I could figure out was to leave, strike out on my own, and take the unsafe path again… I ended up regretting it.

Eventually, I managed to lose my job at the time and many friends because they never really knew me and I thought I knew them. CB was a great friend throughout all this, as were his grandparents, and I loved them too. CB is one of my Facebook friends; we reconnected over the last year and he was happy to hear from me again. He missed me! Thanks CB!

I hope I can leave this place without any incident, without any conflict. I have paid my dues with L. (All of the back rent has been paid in full since I have been keeping track of the hours I’ve worked and rounded the hourly wage to $7. I can’t be his indentured servant any longer; it’s seriously causing me grief, discord and depression… It’s also the reason for my over-eating and stress-related weight gain.)

I am worried I cannot take all of my stuff. I have a small office to move (a desk, printer, rack-style server, one server-made-desktop, another 10-bay sata server, my music and karaoke collection, my programming books and other RPG books and guides, mic and mic stand, my RockBank guitar… lol) There’s more stuff, but that’s the first thing that goes. Then there’s the other stuff: clothes, toiletries (toilet trees? LOL), software and OS discs, MP3 players and thumb drives, Xbox 360 controllers, computer parts, crates and bags of books and connection cables. There’s at least a metric tonne of stuff I so have to move, and maybe a few hours to move it, if that! It’s something I want and need to take. I have a couple of older Apple Macs that has a hard drive that’s been shared between them and an Amiga 500 with about 6 years of collected software. That’s what I originally wrote my RPG on: the A500! Then onto the PC, then Macs, then back to PC. With this change, I will be able to finish it, get it published and start making money with it… Then onto bigger and better things.

So many things I’ll be able to do now that I’ll finally be out there and among the living, because as it was, I was only existing and barely feeling alive!  I cannot deal with the ignorant and misinformed anymore.  Moreover, I can’t help but feel sorry for T (my former fiancee) and what she’s been through and what’s been going on with her; when I leave, I’m gone and she doesn’t even want anything to do with me.  I’ve always left my girlfriends (and some of my boyfriends, they came back to friends after they realized I was not the gossip queen they thought I’d be) as friends, because life’s too short to be caught up in regret, grudge and excommunication.  I’d rather be friends with someone than not and I’d rather feel safe than not.  I think anyone would given who they are and who they’re with.

We all have a Fight or Flight response, though with men, it seems that it’s more Offense, Defense, or Defense to Offense.  Women typically have just a Fight or Flight response to threatening behavior.  I have been living with my psyche twisted in knots and have never realized what it was that it needed:  now I know and I am feeling SO LIBERATED with this coming change!  I need it and I know my friends are looking forward to getting some help in the exchange.  I’m a little nervous with it, but I think I can immediately fit right in!  Their needed Tetris 4-block piece to clean out that pesky Tetris at the top of their game, impeding their progress…  I hope it’s a clean fit! LOL

I am still feeling a bit nervous and not really sure what to do.  I only have a tiny window of opportunity and need to get out of this endless cycle of grief, discord and depression, or “I will do something drastic and may not survive the night.”  I certainly don’t need nor want anything like this at all!  I just want to be:  Be Normal in an Abnormal World!  As far as I am concerned:  “I’m the Normal One!  All the Rest of You are the Crazy Ones!”  As far as my overall health is concerned, I feel at my best when I’m dealing with certain things and using my brain in a way that’s conducive in my healing and in my expression.  I cannot deliver on those promises, any promises, unless I can commit to a time frame and schedule with which to create my best work, bend my rather odd mind around that which I need to for my imagination to be firing on all neurons, and to become all that I can be on my time and realization.  Without these things, and the parts of my life that must be turned upside-down because of the crap that’s been heaped upon me, I must rise above the grossness, the melancholy, the grotesque, the ugly, the uninformed and ignorant masses, the broken and the distraught, the worn out and the walked on, to come to the proper ideals that everyone must strive to emulate:  Logic, Common Sense and the utter need to be Loved.  Not lusted after or intimately prodded (however that should work) because that is not love, that is the act of, what some people would call “lovemaking” and that’s not Love at all!

I know this all sounds well and good, but I believe that there’s a whole aspect of people’s lives that they take for granted because they see no other way to make things happen than whatever they’ve done for years– that same old person in that same old rut placed there by that person’s lack of foresight into where they need to truly be– not ruled by the inaccuracies of laws that force people into arbitrary categories or social levels or monetary worth.  I’m not condoning the world become Communist, not in the least; what I am saying is that everyone has something to learn, to teach and to understand either way, growing from a personal standpoint.  My friends, whom know of my journey, will need to know what I’m doing and where I’m going with all this…

This is my journey.  This is my journal.  This is my trek through the unknown, but I have a great support system, and friends who believe in my accomplishment, and the path that I must tread to get there.  Kyle (my counselor) and Whitney (a counseling intern), Pl&M, Mika, my sisters T & B, extended sisters KatB, Ria, my brothers RB and TJF, and all of those people who have walked before me, and those who will tread in my footsteps…  All of these journal entries are yours to read and try to make sense of.

Not Sure What to Say…

Just not sure what to say but here it goes!

I’m leaning toward beginning my trek and finding myself homeless at the same time.  My former fiancee (now roommate) thinks that I no longer feel the same way I did when I met her 13 years ago, which isn’t true.  I love her.  She’s been a survivor of Stage 4 Breast Cancer, a smudge of bone cancer on her T7 vertebrae, an enlarged polyp just inside her rectum (that the surgeon lied about completely removing >_<) and just had some moles removed to check for melanoma.  She’s one hell of a fighter and I commend her for it.

I want to be there for her for the rest of her life, however long that may be, but as soon as I begin my transition from ‘the man she fell in love with’ to the female I know I should have been, she’ll shut me out and never let me in.  I’m torn, but ultimately she wants me happy, and I want her happy.

I have a strange friend who lives with his mother.  She and he are pretty compatible, but he can be really strange…  He works as a security guard and prefers night shift work and overnights, but that leaves him zero time for social calls and other such fun.  I want to get back into my goth mode, like I had in high school, but with a little different style for me…  LOL  I will not invite him because he’s really indifferent about what I’m doing…  Not really where a friend should be, but he’s a decent enough friend to assist me with my computer work.

I have another friend who is more sensitive to my needs and dreams, and he’s a great guy.  He’s bi and he’s been a really good friend through it all so far.  His mom is also a friend of mine and understands my point of view; she has a gay brother and he’s pretty cool (so is his partner).  I can’t stay there for long, and can’t store my stuff there either…  It kind of bites, that, but I can completely understand.  She doesn’t want to be responsible for my stuff turning up damaged or missing.  That’s something we can both live with!

Two of my three sisters know of my plans.  B and T and pretty cool about it all.  I can’t stay with B because there’s no extra room.  T lives in a travel trailer, and there’s no room for me and my things, but she’s moving to Wisconsin soon. She said that if all happens where I have to go, I can stay with her in Wisconsin and make my journey happen.  I’d love to, but I want to make sure I can get SSD (for my mental illness) and Medicaid to help me with any other expenses like meds, hormones, and serum testing.  It’s something that’s been puzzling me now for a while…  [I have Type II Diabetes and I have to monitor it to keep it in the proper range.]

My third sister, C, is not on board because I have yet to tell her.  Her youngest daughter, Syl, lives in Oregon.  She just got married to a nice young man.  C and her husband Ty never went to be there. C just up and decided that she and Ty couldn’t go because of Ty’s back problems; he never knew and was very angry when C told him.  That’s his baby girl!  You don’t put yourself, and your feelings, before something as wonderful and beautiful as your youngest getting married! Never!  I would have divorced C if I was Ty, but that’s not going to make the fact I missed out on Syl’s wedding any easier…

I have told Syl, and Jess (T’s oldest).  They’re on board.  They think it’s wonderful that I’ve finally found myself.  “… in whatever form you choose … [we] will always love you.”  My other niece, Bon, is C’s oldest from another encounter when I was quite small, and she’s only a few years younger than me…  I told her and she was happy I finally found where I needed to be with my life.  She want to see me, too.  Bon’s the niece that T’s going to visit once she’s in Wisconsin, then onto getting her own place.  (And if all goes well enough for me to get there, I’ll be there too.)

I do have another out-of-state option.  I met another M2F transgender in Iowa through a transgender dating site.  She’s wonderful.  Mi and I are just like two beautiful butterflies in a field of wildflowers, fluttering back and forth in the breeze, from flower to flower…  She and I have a lot in common and we really get along well.  She reminds me of another gal pal I have, looks and all, but a bit older than she is.  Feli is that friend Mi reminds me of.  (I don’t associate with Feli much anymore, our circles no longer coincide and she’s been keeping to herself.  Mostly.)  Mi has been working on her house for her mother, remodeling it, but I’m not privy to the exact nature of the modifications…  It’s not my decision anyway, and I completely understand about those things.  We’ve talked at length about what makes us who we are, our differences, and our lives together.  I know that there’s hints and mentions of marriage here and there; how we truly feel about each other, but marriage is something I will consider once we’ve been together for quite some time and living under the same roof.  I feel I want to carry this on slowly.  I do love my Mi, and she me, but we need to acclimate to each other…  I think we’ll both come around and be inseparable together.

Then there’s Ria.  She’s a friend of mine who has been with my strange friend and nearly married to him.  She parted from him because of his hang-up with being in his mother’s house.  She never really understood why he kept putting off getting into the military, but he told me he has ‘testing anxiety’.  I got over that at an early age!  I just made sure I completed any test as quickly and as correctly as I could, and knowing the answers to the questions at hand was always a winning combination!

I just hated when some of my teachers decided to take it upon themselves to claim I was cheating, lambaste me before the class, send me to the principal’s office and call my dad.  My dad was someone that was NOT to be messed with, not even through his son!  I went home and told my dad about this one teacher who humiliated me in front of the class.  He took me to school the next day, and went to the principal’s office.  He told me to wait in the outer office.  He went right in and started talking to the principal.  She was a little scary, but she was wonderful!

I was told to go to class like it was a normal day.  They’d be coming in time for my math class and observe from the hallway.  (We had large windows that faced into the hallway for every class in the old building.  They were just out of sight and looking in…  I never really knew they were there until Mrs. Pomeraning started in on me again!)  They walked up, and Mrs. Behm (the principal) asked the rest of the class to wait out in the hall.  They all left but me, Mrs. Behm, Dad and Mrs. P.  Mrs. Behm demanded I take another test.  It was a mathematics times table quiz.  She had several pre-made and handed me another one.

Mrs. Behm told me to complete it as fast as I could.  She held a stopwatch and said “Go!”  I started.  It took me all of about a minute and 10 seconds to finish the page of 30 problems.  As soon as I set my pencil down, Mrs. Behm said she was astonished how quickly I did.  My dad knew and was also impressed.  Mrs. P. insisted I had cheated.  Mrs. Behm asked me to empty out my pockets and empty my desk.  I did  and there was nothing to be found.  Not even any writing on my hands!  My father got a formal apology from Mrs. P., Mrs. Behm and the school board.  I was told I did not have to take these tests, but if “… this young man wants to, let him …”  Mrs. Behm was fair and just.  She made me feel so much better because of this humiliation I suffered was now put to rest.  I was only 7; this was 2nd Grade!  Mrs. P. had a problem with me and I never knew…  Guess I never will…

I want this to be as seamless as possible, but I know this will not be.  I’d rather spend my time blogging, writing and coding my next video game masterpiece than fighting with a societal norm that’s anything but!  If more children were NOT lumped into society’s binary gender caste, and allowed to choose their own destiny and gender role, we’d have more children who would not be haters, bigots and supremacists, IMHO.  If little Mikey wants to be a girl, let him.  If little Sarah wants to be a boy, let her.  It’s all about not making choices for them, but for them to make the choices!

That maths fiasco I endured was just one of many things that know-it-alls tend to do:  distort the truth to fit their own needs.  I’m not that way and never want to be that way.  I know I know not everything, but I want to learn those things I feel fulfill my curiosity and need for knowledge.  I know I know not all that happens in the world, but I know I can learn that which I choose to learn.  If teachers take into account that they’re students learn at their own paces, are interested in many different things, and can teach to those students’ strengths, then those teachers have truly accomplished something:  learning children!  An open mind is a learning mind; a closed mind is a belligerent, rebellious mind!  It all starts at home!

Where was I?!  ROFL

Anyway, I know there’s a bunch of things that need to be taken care of too.  I am willing to do what I need to do to make that change and turn the corner…  I change of scenery may be exactly what the doctor (or endocrinologist) orders, but I’m up to that challenge.  I just have to find the right location where I can ultimately feel safe and not intruded upon, and yet feel that I could be expressive and work it all out.

Let’s all be a little more knowledgeable out there.  A little safer.  A little more personable to those whom you don’t quite understand, but are willing to assist.  That’s where it all starts:  One Good Deed!  Let it Begin!

Hugs & Kisses,
~Robynn

Poetry from the Other Side

Taking apart that which squeals
Makes one wonder how to heal.
Given the parts of the whole are there,
What is bunching my underwear?
I tried to make it happen with my own two hands,
Clasping the needles and pumping the gas.
The pain and blood force me bigger,
Making me feel ever smaller.
No two things have come to pass,
That I think of expanding with that gas.
Cans of dusting air are what I’ve used,
Forcing it into my temporary curves.
Harder and harder,
Faster and faster,
It goes in and get bigger.
As it deflates and I return to a semi-normal size,
I wonder what it can do for my thighs.
I’m not making fun of my plight,
I just want to stop this painful fight!
Help me to make the best of this.
I need to feel like I’m complete.
No longer miserable and unhappy
Seeking the stars in the sky and wondering…
Wondering where has my darkness gone?
Fighting with my own hands for the release,
The release of me!
My metamorphosis complete!
And the feeling of relief,
That comes from the grief
I feel when people stare in disbelief
That I’m going on this daring journey…
Fighting alongside those who have progressed
Into the Void of Nothingness
Fighting to find my Happiness
And to return with my body Unblessed,
Made to look like I feel I look…
Deep inside…
Past the Darkness…
Past the Denied!
And back into the Void,
Where Darkness can hide.
Let me be me,
Not the sum of my Gallantry!
That phallus symbol you claim as your own,
Is not yours but borrowed as you had grown!
That piece of stem you hold onto so dear,
Is as withered as that ignorance you fear.
I love you on my own accord,
So be it that you’re so cardboard–
A cut out so vile and weak,
Makes me think
Your style is Greek,
Because of the blather you’re spouting
Makes no sense to me, as my outing
Seems to make no sense to you!
I outed myself from this false gender role,
All you can say is that you love that false role!
That sham of a man,
Who is not the sum of his parts,
But the total sum of his being, his body, his love and his heart!
Take it or leave it!
I came!  I saw!  I transitioned!
For the betterment of My Psyche!

“Thank you and good night!”
~Robynn