… Couldn’t Sleep

I couldn’t sleep this morning until 8:00 am.  I tossed and turned in bed for about two hours, my mind on hyperdrive, just trying to make sense of it all.  There’s so much to do, yet such a tiny window of opportunity, that if I don’t take it, I will never feel whole or complete.

L wants things his way.  If they’re not, I’m the one who gets lambasted over tools not put back and he’s the one who was the last to use them.  I’m his gopher and he tells anyone who listens just how irresponsible I am, how lazy I am.  I’m tired, literally, of this kind of treatment.  He starts to yell at me, I go to try to explain my position, he doesn’t want to hear it, then I get frustrated and angry, and he tells me to cool it in front of other people (or at the swap meet).  He expects me to be out helping him from 9:00 am to about 5 or 6:00 pm, a 30-minute lunch break, and then I get until 2:00 am the next morning to do whatever I need to do (whether it’s school, my own computer fixes or writing anything), it’s all I get roughly, then off to bed and get up by 8:30 or 9:00 am.  It’s so damn unrealistic!  His expectations are such that he’s wanting me to sell off all of the stuff he considers unneeded or unwanted.  This, too, is unrealistic.

My former fiancee has been misunderstanding my point of view now for quite some time.  I’m just not sure if she’s going to comprehend any of this explanation…  I love her dearly and I am not going to sacrifice my health, well-being or happiness to make her happy.  I can’t do it any longer!  My happiness is what’s important, and without it, I’m going to break, crack, fall to pieces, split in two, or worse…  No one wants me worse than that!  (Not even me!)

Where do I get off this Roller Coaster of Terror?  How can I shut it off or destroy it?  Where’s my rail gun?!  (LOL)  I just need to get off this spinning, rotating, coalescing and flowing headache and start fresh, start anew.  My happiness is counting on it and I have nothing better to do than make myself, finally, happy and set realistic goals, because I cannot with L constantly dictating what I can do if I’m working with him, when I can eat, take breaks, go to the restroom (yes, even this! and I’ve gotten sick over it).  It totally stinks when I have to go, have to hold it while retrieving tools and bending over, and then have to trot or run as fast as I can to get back to the trailer, rip the door open and dash for the bathroom, hoping I don’t mess in my shorts! Then he has the audacity to keep telling me, whenever I have to go, “again!?” in German.  Every time!  Doctors will tell you that it’s healthy to go at least 3 times a day!  Not once every two days!  If I’m sick, I can’t take time off, but when he is, he takes off whatever number of days he feels he needs to to recuperate.  The only time I get off is when I request it for doctors appointments, job searches, computer gigs and other such things, but should I need to take time off for me, just to have a little break from the tyranny of his wrath, I get no such relief!  None!

I have so many things on my own plate that I haven’t the time to get any of it working, much less able to work it all out so I can get stuff reviewed for publication and/or manufacturing.  My games studio is just a handful of loosely connected people who contact each other through Skype or Facebook Messenger, and we have had to put stuff off (or I’ve had to delegate stuff to some of the others because I have no time to do it myself)!  I even have to quit using Skype because L thinks it’s eating up bandwidth and causing problems with his internet connection (he’s wired in and I’m wireless about 50 to 100 feet away in another trailer).  He ends up getting so much more bandwidth than I do!

I will feel bad about leaving, but he’s already said that as soon as I tell him that I’m done with all this, that I’m out.  He left me an out, but will he abide by it?  I have to get my stuff out before I tell him or I may not get to take anything with me.  That’s another problem I have with him!  My stuff is mine, not his!  All of the stuff that’s mine!  I just wish I knew where to take it temporarily so I can then move it as soon as my window opens…  I can pack my stuff up into the car and Ria’s minivan, and that should be it.  Simple.  But I’m just worried that he’s going to intervene and tell me I can’t take anything.  I am going to get my stuff this evening, set it in my office and see what boxes I can get to just toss stuff into, to start packing to move.  That’s just the best way I can deal with it.

I can no longer wait for anyone to allow me to do things, I have to take the initiative and do.  This sideline permission depression thing has been taking a significant toll on my private life, my personal life, and the time during the day for me to get errands done.  What can I do if I can’t take the initiative and make my life happen?  I just need to be in a better place, and I know where that is:  not here!

At P&M’s, the place that I will call home soon, I will have a better shot at getting things done with my games, getting things finished (because I have no time to do any of that) and work with the people who believe in my abilities and my journey; they know it will be a struggle for me, but it’s something that I must do to be and feel better about myself.  Much like traipsing through the wilderness in The Last Ninja after you realize all of what you learn there will be tested upon reaching the palace to off the evil emperor and his henchmen, I have to complete my tasks as I see them, and not start, go do something else that’s not even related to what I was doing, and come back and lose the place where I was because of the grandiose crap that I had to break away to do!  I’m through with all that.

It sounds like I’m venting, and I think I am, in some respects.  L will never see this until I’m good and ready to show him (or never).  I want all of my friends to know that it’s not all my fault, not all my doing, not at all what I wanted to do when I lost my job (this year).  I wanted to be able to save up, move out and take my leave to be in a better place.  Still looking and trying to get things set up for my transition, my metamorphosis.

I hope I’ll be in a better place soon…

Here’s Hoping!

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