Enemies over Friends

I have a ‘friend’ who believes she’s still close to me.  She also believes I may have forgotten about the money she owes me for some sleep medication.  Every time I see her on Facebook or on Skype, I say “Hi” or “Hey” and she signs off or shuts off her phone.  She knows she owes me this money and it’s been since after Thanksgiving last year (1012) that she’s kept telling me that she will pay me.  Then the excuses and the monies she received from a death in her family, and more excuses.  I’m not even sure if she’d talk to me on the phone, but I am sick of her avoiding me and hiding herself away from me.  We had been intimate between her former fiancee and her current one; nothing for her current fiancee to worry about.  I loved her like a friend (with benefits) but I knew that would not happen often and I was happy with that.

This is when things started getting pretty weird and our friendship started taking a turn for the worse…  Her current fiancee is a very jealous man.  He, thinking I’m doing this for the attention and the money, seems to be afraid of what I might do with his girlfriend; he still thinks of me a a guy, too, so that’s his loss.

She and I have had our intimate connections from time to time while she was with her ex.  Truthfully, being with her in that way felt so right on so many levels, but having the anatomy I have is what makes this kind of thing exceptionally foreign to me.  We enjoyed each other, but ultimately I knew who I was, though not why.

The tirade that I’m in the process of posting to her, I also want to post to a few friends to let them know my intentions, and how I intend to exact justice, but that I will be striking her from my Facebook account and my Skype contacts.  She has really set me off, and I finally got up the courage to explain how I truly feel about this.

To Lexi:

You ask for stuff in the games we play mutually and I give it freely.  That’s what I do and how I am supposed to treat people (it’s in the Bible).  You still will not pay me back that little bit.  I am struggling to find work here, starting a business with a couple of friends I made while living here, and the family I’m a nanny for loves me and my cooking!

When you dissed me before I left, I thought you’d never want to see me or talk to me for as long as you lived.  That’s exactly how I felt.  I’m sorry for all the crap that I did for you out of the kindness and friendship we shared.  I’m so upset and angry with you and your actions that I’m not sure what to do.

I love you in a way that Stefan will never understand, and with that you should respect me for the discovering who I am and where I’m going with in this journey.  I love who I am now and not even you can stand in the way of my progress!

Lately, you’ve been disrespecting me when I see you’re on Facebook or Skype and I offer a simple “Hi”, you shut me out.  You immediately hop off like I’ve just e-slapped you in the face.  You promised me you’d pay me.  You said with your own mouth and mind.  Stefan was there to hear it too.  Would you like me to tell him about those few times where we were intimate and I helped satisfy you?  If you don’t, I would seriously recommend you pay me.

Understand, if you were in my position, wouldn’t you want me to pay you back?  I did things that were against my moral compass, because my best friend asked me to.  You know I don’t usually do those kinds of things, but I did so you could be happy.  (I just wish it was a different relationship, is all– us I mean and *NOT* you and Stefan.)

We truly had some real heart-to-heart talks in your green Buick.  I loved that car!  What happened to that scared girl from northern Florida?  What happened to the girl who called me when she found out she was pregnant by some guy who took advantage of you, while in the Navy?  I told you then how I felt.  I knew Matthew wouldn’t understand, but he’d just roll over (like all those time you and he got intimate) and I’d be able to stake a claim in your life.  I loved you then.  I still do…

The things between us have changed.  I feel I need to stop hoping for that *never-ending romance*, that *hopeless romance* that I told you about.  The one where we split from our significant others and embrace what we have together.  With my new-found personal discovery and my yearning for a special friend, one who knows me, I hoped we could figure all of that out– it never came– and you shirked me, tossed me to the wayside *AND* complained that I was taking too long bathing because you were going to a movie with Stefan.

What kind of friend would promise their best friend to lend a helping hand and spend time with her when you may never see her again?  Why would you make me feel so insignificant, almost as if I’m lying to you about moving, and taking it upon yourself to not pick up the phone and call me; or even answer when I called!?  Did you not have any intestinal fortitude to stand up to Stefan just this once and make my last night in Gibsonton one that we would both remember?

… … Apparently not.  Apparently you never cared.  Apparently you used me.  You used my writing expertise.  You used my knowledge of sexual intimacy for your own gains.  You used me and used me and used me, but when I needed a little hand (or some money when I sold to you a few personal things), you turn your back on me like a little crying puppy or a child you’re trying to teach to live away from you for a few hours.  Mechele and Paul saw how I was the night before, crying, weeping, hoping you’d come and help and visit.  Mechele called Stefan about you coming over; he told her he didn’t know anything about what you told me and that he didn’t mind you coming over.  You gave a mathematics homework excuse…  Then the following day, you even told me the day before if not then, “tomorrow”.  I called you all day.  From my phone, Paul and Mechele’s phone and did not even answer.  Again making me feel helpless and useless.  Stefan didn’t even want to be disturbed over it.  Around 5:30 you called back and told Mechele that Stefan had a computer issue and Pat was there to help fix it; you HAD to watch the puppies.  You could have put them outside, gotten in your car and came to see me.  You didn’t, then upon getting there, you and Stefan try to rush me out of the bath.  You and Stefan also got read the Riot Act by both Paul and Mechele!  Where the hell were your priorities that night!?  Why the broken promise!?

I guess I only rated as a useable friend.  One whom you could pull the wool over her eyes and lambaste when things didn’t go right for you.  I am supposed to be *YOUR* best friend!  Why have you treated me as less than Human?  Paul and Mechele have allowed me into their home without prejudice, without hate, without a care knowing I would do them no harm.  Both you and Stefan have this preconceived notion that I am doing this for attention or that I’m doing this for monetary gain; if that was true, where’s all my money?  Where’s all my worldly possessions?  Where’s my purple Kia Soul?  Where’s my Xbox slim?  Where’s my 64″ flat panel 120Hz LCD widescreen television?  Where’s my airplane tickets to Spain, Ireland and Japan?

If you give me any more excuses why you have not paid me, then consider this:  you’re through being my friend; you’re not even an acquaintance of mine; not a colleague or a co-worker…  You’re just some dumb twat that I used to know who screwed me over for a measly $90.

The ball is now in your court.  The next move is yours.  Make it count.

This is exactly how I feel.  I want her to understand that she needs to pay back her debt and then things can be happy and proper again.  Just as it was when we first met working at WalMart in Gibsonton– the under-appreciated electronics co-worker and the electronics ‘mastermind’ for fielding customers questions– gathering ourselves and talking in her car for hours after work.  I knew we were both looking for similar things in life; I told her I’d never hurt her.  Now, this whole thing is hurting me more than I care to express…

I care for her and care about her.  Her SO thinks highly of her, but barely shows it.  He’d rather spend time off work relaxing playing games than relaxing and being close and intimate with her.  That’s what she’s missing in her life; an intimate connection.  Now that I’m no longer there, she’s got to deal with it on her own…

Advertisements

The New(?) Feminists

I posted this to my Facebook page on Saturday (26JAN2013) and a friend of mine decided to either tell me off or poke fun at me, I couldn’t tell which.  It prompted me to repost it here because I trust my readers’ opinions and their takes on feminists and feminism.  I have always believed that everyone should be considered equal– not just all men or all women– but men, women, tg/ts men, tg/ts women, gays, lesbians, queer folk, bisexual and bi-curious, even the heterosexuals out there!  I am upset that there are too many people in political power who hide their innermost sexuality; I would love for them to some to terms that being that way is the norm and not the exception!  Here it is with just a few corrections…

—–

Many of us as intelligent and free-thinking women have to put up or shut up about the sexist and manipulative laws and policies that oppress most forms of women’s presence in mass media, games and in movies. It too bad that grown men who like to objectify women seem to have the most to *lose* when women become the heroes or, God forbid, *equals* of their male counterparts. In games, it’s a narrative that’s sorely lacking; in advertisement, it’s still “Sex Sells”, from the Big-3 automakers to beer and spirits; in movies and television, the only reason to have a powerful woman is to write in a pregnancy scene and have her reduced to the collection of her ‘womany’ parts!

I am the head of an independent games studio who is inspired by the likes of Anita Sarkeesian, Feminist Frequency and the videos she has produced for BitchMedia. I am also inspired by those women who chose to become that which was trapped deep inside and prosper in the proper face that they identified with! I also write poetry, sci-fi short stories, erotic fiction (of all styles), and I prefer to write anything that suits me, from tirades and essays to personal plight and the strengths and prowess I gain from fighting through my own demonic problems. (Demonic means, at this point, the destructive internal struggles that must be defeated in order to become a better person; it does not mean devils, demons, or any of that ilk.)

People like Rush Limbaugh keep pandering to the right-wing religious fanatics who believe the woman’s place is in the house, not bothering with current events, hubby’s work and work-related problems, and carry on cooking, cleaning and raising a family while hubby brings home the money to pay the bills. This rhetoric is so 1950s! Rush, the 1950s called, they want their socialist rant back! It no doubt needs to be changed and I am hoping we can all decide on what’s right and good for the well-being of women everywhere. Women should also NOT be exploited as simply sexual beings whose primary goal is to be eye candy or the immaculate trophy wife of some sexist man who believes he’s God’s Gift to Women. I’m not pointing fingers at every sexist man, but I am pointing it at those sexist men who believe women should just shut up and not propose an intelligent opinion! I can name games, TV shows and movies where women have been objectified, impregnated, demonized and made to look less than human; can you?

I want to end this little tirade with a couple of thoughts. Why are feminists held in such a bad light? Why should feminism provoke a bad taste in your mouth, uttering such a word? It shouldn’t. Feminism is the belief and movement that only has the best interests for women, not just in the US, but everywhere. Feminism is the movement for Women’s Equal Rights. Being a feminist should invoke a great feeling of forward thinking, shackle-breaking, stereotype shattering women’s equality; a feeling of great accomplishment, but yet, a great feeling of “our work’s not done yet!” Policies refuting the choice of mothers from abortion by instituting hoops and tests and permissions from everyone under the sun, making abortions virtually impossible. Some states are even thinking of making miscarriage illegal! How can miscarriage be an illegal act? How? Some women, unless they have to take prescription medication, may not be able to carry their conceived to full term, and have a miscarriage! I can’t get pregnant; I was born without a uterus! I want children naturally, but can’t.

I believe in the Feminist Movement. I believe we can build this world into a more cohesive whole, but we first have to understand our failings and faults, before we can challenge the norm and bolster our issues. We need to believe in ourselves and in each other, helping to strengthen our weaknesses and cooperating on keeping our strengths…

One World.
One Love.
One Peace.

Is anyone with me?

—–

I don’t understand the whole “I believe in equal rights for men and women, but I’m not a feminist.” rhetoric that’s been spewing from every form of entertainment in recent years.  …  I just don’t get it.  In order to comprehend this kind of ass-backwards double talk, you need to understand why so many women fear the word “feminist.”  Take a look through the 6 part video series “Tropes vs Women” by Anita Sarkeesian and Feminist Frequency.  This group of videos goes quite a way to show and deconstruct just how badly and/or brutally women are placed in entertainment media, only to get a rise out of the hero/protagonist in these games/movies/novels.  Don’t get me wrong, but women are more than just a plug-in for a plot device to further the twisted fantasy that most adolescent males minds construct.  Strong women are strong, sometimes moreso than their male counterparts, but many never consider (usually men) that women can be strong.

I totally hope these things we can build upon and work out to make the world a much better cohesive place.  It is a dream that I would love to extend into the workplace and into the world; somehow, somewhere…  Another link is BitchMedia which has more information dealing with sexist and male-centric craziness, but is run by women for women, and is a really great resource for all things woman-driven!  http://bitchmagazine.org  Check this website out for more information about Anita Sarkeesian and Feminist Frequency.  http://www.feministfrequency.com

I have never wanted anything more than to help forward the plight of women, but even those of us who are transgender or transsexual need to have their warriors and their consorts in order to perpetuate and follow through what we much accomplish in order to be and feel that we belong.

Wanting equality on a personal level is a great thing.

Seeking equality on a professional level is a wondrous thing.

Finding equality on a global level is a glorious thing!

Should we not strive to make it happen?

New Place and Trepidations

I have been given a wonderful opportunity to finally finish my RPG and off to a new location. (Same town, but a new location.) I thank those who needed me to do so, and those who see this as an adventure into me! Thank you all.

I also think this is seriously going to benefit me in the long run. I can be responsible for assisting with the house and making dinner and such, but allowing me to be me and not have to look back. Currently, being in my current home, I feel so unsafe and unwelcome. It’s more because of my landlord’s actions and the way he talks, and the way my former fiancee has wanted me to stay (and live my life in my artificial skin) for her to be happy (and me miserable). I can’t do that any longer. I just have to tell them that I’m leaving and I need this to help me grow. My job search can wait and I will get better through the help of my ‘true friends’! P & M have opened up their hearts and their home to me, and I have nothing but the utmost respect for them and their decision. Their son, J, also thinks I’m a little goofy, but that’s because he’s 20 months old… I love them all! They’re like my extended family; allowing me to come into their lives like this, and to allow me to set up myself for success in their home. The last time I was offered a place to live was back in college (physically going to college) and I met a mutual friend of another friend, and I talked to her and her husband. They had two children and a housemate. I loved them like family and I respected them completely, but I got restless when I started to CD again, and didn’t know how to approach them. The only thing I could figure out was to leave, strike out on my own, and take the unsafe path again… I ended up regretting it.

Eventually, I managed to lose my job at the time and many friends because they never really knew me and I thought I knew them. CB was a great friend throughout all this, as were his grandparents, and I loved them too. CB is one of my Facebook friends; we reconnected over the last year and he was happy to hear from me again. He missed me! Thanks CB!

I hope I can leave this place without any incident, without any conflict. I have paid my dues with L. (All of the back rent has been paid in full since I have been keeping track of the hours I’ve worked and rounded the hourly wage to $7. I can’t be his indentured servant any longer; it’s seriously causing me grief, discord and depression… It’s also the reason for my over-eating and stress-related weight gain.)

I am worried I cannot take all of my stuff. I have a small office to move (a desk, printer, rack-style server, one server-made-desktop, another 10-bay sata server, my music and karaoke collection, my programming books and other RPG books and guides, mic and mic stand, my RockBank guitar… lol) There’s more stuff, but that’s the first thing that goes. Then there’s the other stuff: clothes, toiletries (toilet trees? LOL), software and OS discs, MP3 players and thumb drives, Xbox 360 controllers, computer parts, crates and bags of books and connection cables. There’s at least a metric tonne of stuff I so have to move, and maybe a few hours to move it, if that! It’s something I want and need to take. I have a couple of older Apple Macs that has a hard drive that’s been shared between them and an Amiga 500 with about 6 years of collected software. That’s what I originally wrote my RPG on: the A500! Then onto the PC, then Macs, then back to PC. With this change, I will be able to finish it, get it published and start making money with it… Then onto bigger and better things.

So many things I’ll be able to do now that I’ll finally be out there and among the living, because as it was, I was only existing and barely feeling alive!  I cannot deal with the ignorant and misinformed anymore.  Moreover, I can’t help but feel sorry for T (my former fiancee) and what she’s been through and what’s been going on with her; when I leave, I’m gone and she doesn’t even want anything to do with me.  I’ve always left my girlfriends (and some of my boyfriends, they came back to friends after they realized I was not the gossip queen they thought I’d be) as friends, because life’s too short to be caught up in regret, grudge and excommunication.  I’d rather be friends with someone than not and I’d rather feel safe than not.  I think anyone would given who they are and who they’re with.

We all have a Fight or Flight response, though with men, it seems that it’s more Offense, Defense, or Defense to Offense.  Women typically have just a Fight or Flight response to threatening behavior.  I have been living with my psyche twisted in knots and have never realized what it was that it needed:  now I know and I am feeling SO LIBERATED with this coming change!  I need it and I know my friends are looking forward to getting some help in the exchange.  I’m a little nervous with it, but I think I can immediately fit right in!  Their needed Tetris 4-block piece to clean out that pesky Tetris at the top of their game, impeding their progress…  I hope it’s a clean fit! LOL

I am still feeling a bit nervous and not really sure what to do.  I only have a tiny window of opportunity and need to get out of this endless cycle of grief, discord and depression, or “I will do something drastic and may not survive the night.”  I certainly don’t need nor want anything like this at all!  I just want to be:  Be Normal in an Abnormal World!  As far as I am concerned:  “I’m the Normal One!  All the Rest of You are the Crazy Ones!”  As far as my overall health is concerned, I feel at my best when I’m dealing with certain things and using my brain in a way that’s conducive in my healing and in my expression.  I cannot deliver on those promises, any promises, unless I can commit to a time frame and schedule with which to create my best work, bend my rather odd mind around that which I need to for my imagination to be firing on all neurons, and to become all that I can be on my time and realization.  Without these things, and the parts of my life that must be turned upside-down because of the crap that’s been heaped upon me, I must rise above the grossness, the melancholy, the grotesque, the ugly, the uninformed and ignorant masses, the broken and the distraught, the worn out and the walked on, to come to the proper ideals that everyone must strive to emulate:  Logic, Common Sense and the utter need to be Loved.  Not lusted after or intimately prodded (however that should work) because that is not love, that is the act of, what some people would call “lovemaking” and that’s not Love at all!

I know this all sounds well and good, but I believe that there’s a whole aspect of people’s lives that they take for granted because they see no other way to make things happen than whatever they’ve done for years– that same old person in that same old rut placed there by that person’s lack of foresight into where they need to truly be– not ruled by the inaccuracies of laws that force people into arbitrary categories or social levels or monetary worth.  I’m not condoning the world become Communist, not in the least; what I am saying is that everyone has something to learn, to teach and to understand either way, growing from a personal standpoint.  My friends, whom know of my journey, will need to know what I’m doing and where I’m going with all this…

This is my journey.  This is my journal.  This is my trek through the unknown, but I have a great support system, and friends who believe in my accomplishment, and the path that I must tread to get there.  Kyle (my counselor) and Whitney (a counseling intern), Pl&M, Mika, my sisters T & B, extended sisters KatB, Ria, my brothers RB and TJF, and all of those people who have walked before me, and those who will tread in my footsteps…  All of these journal entries are yours to read and try to make sense of.

Poetry from the Other Side

Taking apart that which squeals
Makes one wonder how to heal.
Given the parts of the whole are there,
What is bunching my underwear?
I tried to make it happen with my own two hands,
Clasping the needles and pumping the gas.
The pain and blood force me bigger,
Making me feel ever smaller.
No two things have come to pass,
That I think of expanding with that gas.
Cans of dusting air are what I’ve used,
Forcing it into my temporary curves.
Harder and harder,
Faster and faster,
It goes in and get bigger.
As it deflates and I return to a semi-normal size,
I wonder what it can do for my thighs.
I’m not making fun of my plight,
I just want to stop this painful fight!
Help me to make the best of this.
I need to feel like I’m complete.
No longer miserable and unhappy
Seeking the stars in the sky and wondering…
Wondering where has my darkness gone?
Fighting with my own hands for the release,
The release of me!
My metamorphosis complete!
And the feeling of relief,
That comes from the grief
I feel when people stare in disbelief
That I’m going on this daring journey…
Fighting alongside those who have progressed
Into the Void of Nothingness
Fighting to find my Happiness
And to return with my body Unblessed,
Made to look like I feel I look…
Deep inside…
Past the Darkness…
Past the Denied!
And back into the Void,
Where Darkness can hide.
Let me be me,
Not the sum of my Gallantry!
That phallus symbol you claim as your own,
Is not yours but borrowed as you had grown!
That piece of stem you hold onto so dear,
Is as withered as that ignorance you fear.
I love you on my own accord,
So be it that you’re so cardboard–
A cut out so vile and weak,
Makes me think
Your style is Greek,
Because of the blather you’re spouting
Makes no sense to me, as my outing
Seems to make no sense to you!
I outed myself from this false gender role,
All you can say is that you love that false role!
That sham of a man,
Who is not the sum of his parts,
But the total sum of his being, his body, his love and his heart!
Take it or leave it!
I came!  I saw!  I transitioned!
For the betterment of My Psyche!

“Thank you and good night!”
~Robynn