Midnight Revelation

Not sure where to put this or how to express how I truly feel, but that’s why we blog, isn’t it?

Over this week I’ve been trying to help the 16-year old daughter of my friends, with whom I’m am a guest in their home (along with their 18-year old, and another 6 (2 additional girls and 4 boys) ranging from 11(?) to 2 years) and have been for almost a month.  They wanted a 2-week trial, and I stepped it up and ran with it; they accepted me:  all of them.  Most of the youngest call me “uncle”, but the oldest 3 call me “aunt”; we’re not related, but I don’t really mind.  I miss that kind of family life.

I’m going to be filling out an employment application at a local insurance telemarketing agency that P had worked for previously.  I am so nervous.  I have been living as a woman since October (2012), and the gentleman who owns the place is a nice man and a pastor of a local church. P informed me of a few things:  dress less like a woman and more like a man when filling out the app and for the interview (just land the job, you can carry on from there); earn some money and start getting the things you’re going to need; upon employment, we had agreed I’d pay some into the household for my living expenses.  I feel I’m making strides, but backwards in this situation.  I’m a woman, not a man.  That was something I hoped I’d never go back to!  The Manly Life!  I’m a woman and that’s all there is to it!

I have struggled to make things happen and convince people in the community that I am a woman.  I carry a purse.  I wear my hair a certain way.  I wear makeup, but not excessively.  I dress in women’s clothing!  I know, deep inside, that a woman is who I am– not the manly facade that I had to create to keep my father happy about his son– and I don’t want to do back on that!  Ever!  I had a tough time with it around my former landlord when I came out to him and my former fiancee.  He told me that I was not to cross-dress on his property; he was afraid of his grandchildren asking too many questions about me.  I told him he wouldn’t have to worry.  Almost a week later, I moved out.  I felt insecure.  I felt exposed; almost to the point of complete nakedness!

I knew I had a place to go.  P&M’s!  That’s months ago!

Being here, living with P&M (this is a different P&M than the first one) and their 8 children (the other P&M only had 1 child) is different and kind of fun.  Many of them have mental issues, problems with interacting with others, ADD, habitual lying, and other such disorders… (Wow!  I fit right in! LOL)  P has told me that she can say stuff without thinking, and I told her that was fine.  A small incident happened, and I let it go; P apologized to me about it.  If I don’t hear it, that’s fine.  If I do, I can and have been known to take offense.  I tend to let it roll off my back; she means no harm or malice toward me.

My bras have been feeling like fiberglass lately.  Not sure if it’s something related to the high humidity, my perspiration, my deodorant, the laundry detergent or a combination of those that’s making any kind of bra uncomfortable to wear.  It seems that I may have misplaced my power adapter for my electric razor and my sunglasses case; they are somewhere in this house!  I had them moving into the split bedroom, but I cannot find them to save my life.  I just don’t get it; they don’t just get up and walk away!  One of the older kids may have taken them to school not realizing what they were, realizing what they were and wanted to sell or get rid of them, or hid them on me to find months from now.  I really needed my sunglasses today!  My eyes were bugging out of my head, and I was not impaired by a sinus infection.  They hurt like that sometimes.

Found the cord to my razor!  I remember putting something there (one of my cloth grocery shopping bags) and had forgotten it was there.  Oops!  Sorry, kids!  That could mean that my sunglasses could be in here, too!  Hooray!

I don’t necessarily want to revisit my male alter-ego again.  I don’t!  I did things that I regret; I did things that I didn’t, but it all comes down to who I know I am!  I guess I’m living in the past, dwelling on things that I regret, and not finding a way to resolve them.  Maybe my father was reading into something that I didn’t know, or acknowledge, after my mother died; I may never know.  If this is how things are supposed to be, then why does this interview/employment app scare me?  I don’t want to step back into the cowl of darkness and re-explore my demons, my darkness, my testosterone-fueled short fuse-snapping anger fits!  That in itself scares me!

I live in the Bible Belt of the US!  Mississippi!  In a tiny little town, where I can walk about 400 feet to the public library out the front door.  I can walk to the closest grocery store about 8 blocks away.  In that same distance I can cut through the hospital-dedicated exercise path and reach the duck pond.  Much of the things that are in this town are within walking distance.  Walk across the street, same side as the house and library, and where the library sits, there’s a big white Baptist church!  No joke!  There’s a mental health counselor on the main street only about 5 blocks from here.  (I wonder whether they can help someone like me from the LGBTQ community.  If not, I can grab the information online for them to take a look and go from there.  Otherwise, I’d have to go to Gulfport!  That’s about a 8 hour drive, one way, and I don’t have a car!)

I am uneasy.  I am nervous.  I am wondering about this possible job and that I need employment; just stick to it, and I will prosper.  I know all that!  I want to do it my way!  That’s what I want.  Just really scared…  I do have some anxiety with this ‘reversion’ and I’m not liking it.

Wish me luck.  I’m turning in for the night…  Please pray for me and we’ll see where this goes.


A Lost Friend (and Renewed Confidence)

I just received an e-mail from a friend.  His name is Matthew.  (I removed his e-mail address to keep his identity private.)  I also wrote him back.

— the lost friend’s e-mail —

Dear Rob,
For your inabilitiy to see what you are doing is wrong. Our friendship is over because I do not want to be friends with a crossdresser who think he is a woman. You also need serious help because you are leaving Tami who needs somebody in her life because of what she is going through.  To be honest I would have baker acted you after this is over and probably still do. Oh and you had it nice and cozy where you were living there were only 2 things Pepy wanted you to do and those are getting a job and also he wanted you off his insurance.
Matthew [removed the rest of his name to protect his identity]
If you see my mother or I anywhere you go stay away from us.

— end of his e-mail —


Here’s my reply.

— my rebuttal e-mail —

If my gender difficulties were any of your personal concern, I would have been more open to your dialogue than I was.  But since you had no dialogue with me, your opinion is completely moot and devoid of any logic or facts.
Yes.  My happiness is more important to me than having to live the rest of my life lying to others, and to myself, about everything that makes me me.  If you sincerely feel that I ruined our friendship, just how shallow are you?  I was not the one to break off this friendship:  YOU WERE!
I had to tell T [my former fiancee -edit].  It was what a friend would do in any circumstance.  A friend.  Something that I know we were, you decided, without any of my consult, to destroy.  If you truly were my friend, you would respect my decision, my choices and the anime I prefer.  You took it upon yourself to rip my from your life and to tell others that I am less of a Human Being than even you are, and you live with your mother at 37!
I had to take my leave from Tami because she would not allow me to crossdress in the place I felt most comfortable:  the home we shared.  We have been living like roommates, FYI, for the past 10+ months because we couldn’t agree on being intimate.  My finding out through research that I was, and AM, transgendered, that I immediately told Tami and she’s the one who alienated me; it was never the other way around.
Also, L [edited] and I had an agreement and we still have an agreement.  This piece of the puzzle is between him and I.  If you want to bark up that tree, and shake the peaches out, then by all means, take it up with L [edited].  He’d love to tell you to stick it in your arse because “It’s none of your damn business!”  I informed L [edited] on Sunday and he was okay with it.  We talked about it today, and it’s all been hammered out.  The details are between the two of us!
As far as you are concerned, if we really had a friendship, or a working relationship, would you quit your job if your boss came out and told the staff of his decision to become a woman?  I bet you are just as xenophobic and uninformed as much of the world in these kinds of things.
I’m still trying to figure you out…  You’re my friend as long as I’m a guy, but when I go to bat for the other team, you turn tail and run as far as fast as you can.  Who died and made you Relationship Emporer!?  Who fell off the planet to make you decide that I’m not longer worthy of your presence as your friend?!
You needed to tell me, in person, to break this off, but you decided that it was best for you to throw out your two cents and force me out of your life, hiding like a coward behind a few choice words.  I can’t decide which is worse:  losing a friend based on his ignorance, or losing a friend due to cowardice and juvenile motives.  It’s like you up and decided I had cooties or something, and stopped being my friend!  What I have is injustice for my decisions by people like you, and the lack of personal support of those whom I consider great friends who will actually go to bat for me.
I can’t figure you out.  I’m not going to waste my time and effort trying to determine what your egregious malfunction is.  It’s no longer relevant.  Your ignorance is showing and it’s making you look ugly and idiotic.
Have a nice day!
— end of rebuttal e-mail —
My real question is:  Why would someone whom I’ve known for almost 11 years suddenly decide to break off the friendship we shared over a serious decision I’ve made?
Where did I go wrong?  That’s something that’s been bothering me too, but I know where I went wrong:  I didn’t continue the path when I was younger and take my dad up on that sex change surgery.  I believe that’s where my path had to diverge, then to discover who I truly am, and to diverge again.