Christmas Has Passed and I’m Unsure

Nothing’s ever been set in stone for me– nothing. It just seems that with all of the things that I could be doing to keep my mind off my depression and my loneliness, I keep coming back to these unseated and unnerving realizations that I’m getting older and nothing’s going to change that.

With all of the intelligence and imagination I contain, I still cannot seem to bear being alone. This Christmas was one of the loneliest times I have ever struggled to endure. My family, here in Mississippi that I’m staying with, is loving and caring, yes, but is rather distant because of my decision to transition. I was informed by the mother of my kids that I needed to keep my ‘original’ Facebook page up so they can see it when they’re older. My thinking is “Why?”

Why should I subject them to the irrationality of my former existence when this is the existence I chose to make for me; so I can live a happy life? She also called me ‘selfish’ among other things and, though I tend not to be selfish for being selfish, this is one thing I must insist upon: I am not any better or worse than anyone else; I am me.

Love me. Hate me. Joke and Laugh with me. It’s just me– not a “new” me because many of our allies think that’s what we mean when we’re “out”– but this has “always been” me, a little more to know and a little more to get to know. I’m still learning about me, too. And that’s the beauty of being transgendered: You never stop learning about being yourself! You is all you have!

I read in a semi-recent article today from TransGriot how the HRC has been playing our community as chumps and taking the low road to not include us in their fight for so-called equal rights. Human rights are inalienable, worth-while and necessary for the “pursuit of life, liberty and happiness” in all their forms! Without the smallest modicum of respect and acceptance, we end up relegated as much as African-Americans struggled for their equality over the past 100 years or so. Not having policies in place for the protection of employment, spousal benefits and marriage equality, I tend to think that we’re running forward at top speed, while the treadmill is cranked just beyond what we can manage, forcing us backwards. Nothing hurts me more than knowing an agency that I trusted to help, has only hindered our progress and devastated many trans people and organizations in the United States. They’re more out for getting media exposure than actually helping us, all the while backing the “wrong” candidates and hindering the passing of policies and pandering to the right-wing extremists who use their influence to bash, not only us, but the entire spectrum of societal non-conformists.

What have we done to them, personally, directly or indirectly, to warrant their lack of compassion and acceptance? Why has the HRC defended these anti-LGBT puppets and perpetual propaganda producers? It’s about the HRS getting large and viable contributions and kickbacks from these high-profile politicos whom they believe will help the HRC advance their own causes. With the HRC’s perpetual placating of the political pontiffs at every event they go, it’s as if the HRC has their own lackadaisical laurels to blame, and they just use more double-talk to spin the issues at hand: they’ve had their own mouthpieces spew “trans inclusive issues”, yet retract those very statements stating “… [we] had misspoken.” What?!

As a societal non-conformist, I believe we all, as Human beings, have a right to certain unquenchable Human dignities and rights– not able to be taken away– and to be able to use these to, not only benefit in our daily lives, but to thrive, as we choose to live, and finally be rid of the hate and propaganda shackles that have oppressed us for oh so long! Am I wrong here? We need “… these truths be self-evident that all men are created equal” and not just some piece of propaganda that gets promised and then repealed because someone gets offended when they finally realize “… it’s not about me, is it …” rhetoric.

Get off your damn soapboxes and DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! I’m pointing my finger directly at you, HRC, and your utter lack of hiring trans people of any significant number, lack of bringing our community into the spotlight when all you’re interested in is making political statements and political friends. Start doing something that makes a difference to EVERYONE IN THE COMMUNITY and not those that you THINK HAVE THE BEST CHANCE TO BACK just to make anti-LGBT policy!!! Step away from the podium, take a look in the mirror and realize the reality that is the HRC! It’s not a pretty face to see, is it?

I can’t imaging what my life would have been like had I come out at 14, but if I had known it was going to be a lifetime of hardship and anger and misunderstandings, then I probably wouldn’t have until now.

And maybe it’s just better that way…

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