Craziness (I Have to Move?)

I have been finding it hard to deal with the loss of my relationship with my fiancee, and I still call her “hon”.  It’s very difficult.  She’s told me that if I wasn’t satisfied with her, to tell her and we’d split.  That wasn’t the case.  She also told me that I should have told her that I had this problem with my gender identity back when we first met; I never knew what it was until only about a month or so ago.  I never really understood what my body was telling me.

Until I grasped the bull by the horns, and she found some ‘aids’ I was using to force my body into a more feminine shape, she told our landlord and I agreed to seek counseling and treatment.  It wasn’t until I had done some serious research for what I’m dealing with, realized what it is, and came to the conclusion of what I have been suffering from for the past 27 years:  gender dysphoria.
I had both hetero- and homosexual relationships.  I was being self-destructive with the male partners; I wanted to end my life with contracting HIV or AIDS…  I was really messed up then, in my early teen years!  It only came to a head when my mother died and I found myself on the street.  I had some really good friends, and their parents (part of the time), who had allowed me to camp out on a couch or reclining chair or cot, just to get through another day…  I was so distraught over my living conditions that I eventually asked the county for help and they provided, at least, a temporary shelter in a motel, complete with a bathroom!  I stayed there for a couple of weeks, my stipend ended, I moved, my friends told me I could have stayed there another couple of months; the county was going to pick up the tab for that long…  Too bad I had found another, more stable location, and I had a house to run through.

I had been experimenting with various substances (not exactly legal) back then.  I gave up the quest for partnership and relationships that involved intimacy, delving deeper into college and schoolwork.  I quit soon after because of a young lady in my Speech class who had taken a shine to me after I told her about role-playing games (in a speech I wrote for class).  I got an A in the class, she had gotten a B, but that was midterm; I don’t remember her name, I wish I did…  She said she was from Iowa…

I never really knew what was happening to me.  I was so confused that I thought I was some kind of space alien.  I couldn’t fathom what was going on and what I really needed in my life.  Sometimes I just wanted to be normal, but never really knew how.

People really end up not knowing because they refuse to know, feel they don’t have to know, and as long as it isn’t happening to them, then it’s okay to kill off whatever functions or burn whatever bridges they feel they can live without.  I thought certain people could respect me; I guess I was wrong…  Oh well, karma can be a bitch– and so can I– but that’s another story!

Not sure what else to say here, so I’ll end it here.  Please help to inform those of your friends that they’re wanted, but that they need to know their apathy affects everyone and all the things you both used to hold dear.  Male.  Female.  Gay.  Lesbian.  Bisexual.  Queer.  Trans.  It’s all REAL and it’s all here!  We’re here…  Come talk and get to know us before you judge us; we’re like you:  Human!

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