Craziness (I Have to Move?)

I have been finding it hard to deal with the loss of my relationship with my fiancee, and I still call her “hon”.  It’s very difficult.  She’s told me that if I wasn’t satisfied with her, to tell her and we’d split.  That wasn’t the case.  She also told me that I should have told her that I had this problem with my gender identity back when we first met; I never knew what it was until only about a month or so ago.  I never really understood what my body was telling me.

Until I grasped the bull by the horns, and she found some ‘aids’ I was using to force my body into a more feminine shape, she told our landlord and I agreed to seek counseling and treatment.  It wasn’t until I had done some serious research for what I’m dealing with, realized what it is, and came to the conclusion of what I have been suffering from for the past 27 years:  gender dysphoria.
I had both hetero- and homosexual relationships.  I was being self-destructive with the male partners; I wanted to end my life with contracting HIV or AIDS…  I was really messed up then, in my early teen years!  It only came to a head when my mother died and I found myself on the street.  I had some really good friends, and their parents (part of the time), who had allowed me to camp out on a couch or reclining chair or cot, just to get through another day…  I was so distraught over my living conditions that I eventually asked the county for help and they provided, at least, a temporary shelter in a motel, complete with a bathroom!  I stayed there for a couple of weeks, my stipend ended, I moved, my friends told me I could have stayed there another couple of months; the county was going to pick up the tab for that long…  Too bad I had found another, more stable location, and I had a house to run through.

I had been experimenting with various substances (not exactly legal) back then.  I gave up the quest for partnership and relationships that involved intimacy, delving deeper into college and schoolwork.  I quit soon after because of a young lady in my Speech class who had taken a shine to me after I told her about role-playing games (in a speech I wrote for class).  I got an A in the class, she had gotten a B, but that was midterm; I don’t remember her name, I wish I did…  She said she was from Iowa…

I never really knew what was happening to me.  I was so confused that I thought I was some kind of space alien.  I couldn’t fathom what was going on and what I really needed in my life.  Sometimes I just wanted to be normal, but never really knew how.

People really end up not knowing because they refuse to know, feel they don’t have to know, and as long as it isn’t happening to them, then it’s okay to kill off whatever functions or burn whatever bridges they feel they can live without.  I thought certain people could respect me; I guess I was wrong…  Oh well, karma can be a bitch– and so can I– but that’s another story!

Not sure what else to say here, so I’ll end it here.  Please help to inform those of your friends that they’re wanted, but that they need to know their apathy affects everyone and all the things you both used to hold dear.  Male.  Female.  Gay.  Lesbian.  Bisexual.  Queer.  Trans.  It’s all REAL and it’s all here!  We’re here…  Come talk and get to know us before you judge us; we’re like you:  Human!

New Place and Trepidations

I have been given a wonderful opportunity to finally finish my RPG and off to a new location. (Same town, but a new location.) I thank those who needed me to do so, and those who see this as an adventure into me! Thank you all.

I also think this is seriously going to benefit me in the long run. I can be responsible for assisting with the house and making dinner and such, but allowing me to be me and not have to look back. Currently, being in my current home, I feel so unsafe and unwelcome. It’s more because of my landlord’s actions and the way he talks, and the way my former fiancee has wanted me to stay (and live my life in my artificial skin) for her to be happy (and me miserable). I can’t do that any longer. I just have to tell them that I’m leaving and I need this to help me grow. My job search can wait and I will get better through the help of my ‘true friends’! P & M have opened up their hearts and their home to me, and I have nothing but the utmost respect for them and their decision. Their son, J, also thinks I’m a little goofy, but that’s because he’s 20 months old… I love them all! They’re like my extended family; allowing me to come into their lives like this, and to allow me to set up myself for success in their home. The last time I was offered a place to live was back in college (physically going to college) and I met a mutual friend of another friend, and I talked to her and her husband. They had two children and a housemate. I loved them like family and I respected them completely, but I got restless when I started to CD again, and didn’t know how to approach them. The only thing I could figure out was to leave, strike out on my own, and take the unsafe path again… I ended up regretting it.

Eventually, I managed to lose my job at the time and many friends because they never really knew me and I thought I knew them. CB was a great friend throughout all this, as were his grandparents, and I loved them too. CB is one of my Facebook friends; we reconnected over the last year and he was happy to hear from me again. He missed me! Thanks CB!

I hope I can leave this place without any incident, without any conflict. I have paid my dues with L. (All of the back rent has been paid in full since I have been keeping track of the hours I’ve worked and rounded the hourly wage to $7. I can’t be his indentured servant any longer; it’s seriously causing me grief, discord and depression… It’s also the reason for my over-eating and stress-related weight gain.)

I am worried I cannot take all of my stuff. I have a small office to move (a desk, printer, rack-style server, one server-made-desktop, another 10-bay sata server, my music and karaoke collection, my programming books and other RPG books and guides, mic and mic stand, my RockBank guitar… lol) There’s more stuff, but that’s the first thing that goes. Then there’s the other stuff: clothes, toiletries (toilet trees? LOL), software and OS discs, MP3 players and thumb drives, Xbox 360 controllers, computer parts, crates and bags of books and connection cables. There’s at least a metric tonne of stuff I so have to move, and maybe a few hours to move it, if that! It’s something I want and need to take. I have a couple of older Apple Macs that has a hard drive that’s been shared between them and an Amiga 500 with about 6 years of collected software. That’s what I originally wrote my RPG on: the A500! Then onto the PC, then Macs, then back to PC. With this change, I will be able to finish it, get it published and start making money with it… Then onto bigger and better things.

So many things I’ll be able to do now that I’ll finally be out there and among the living, because as it was, I was only existing and barely feeling alive!  I cannot deal with the ignorant and misinformed anymore.  Moreover, I can’t help but feel sorry for T (my former fiancee) and what she’s been through and what’s been going on with her; when I leave, I’m gone and she doesn’t even want anything to do with me.  I’ve always left my girlfriends (and some of my boyfriends, they came back to friends after they realized I was not the gossip queen they thought I’d be) as friends, because life’s too short to be caught up in regret, grudge and excommunication.  I’d rather be friends with someone than not and I’d rather feel safe than not.  I think anyone would given who they are and who they’re with.

We all have a Fight or Flight response, though with men, it seems that it’s more Offense, Defense, or Defense to Offense.  Women typically have just a Fight or Flight response to threatening behavior.  I have been living with my psyche twisted in knots and have never realized what it was that it needed:  now I know and I am feeling SO LIBERATED with this coming change!  I need it and I know my friends are looking forward to getting some help in the exchange.  I’m a little nervous with it, but I think I can immediately fit right in!  Their needed Tetris 4-block piece to clean out that pesky Tetris at the top of their game, impeding their progress…  I hope it’s a clean fit! LOL

I am still feeling a bit nervous and not really sure what to do.  I only have a tiny window of opportunity and need to get out of this endless cycle of grief, discord and depression, or “I will do something drastic and may not survive the night.”  I certainly don’t need nor want anything like this at all!  I just want to be:  Be Normal in an Abnormal World!  As far as I am concerned:  “I’m the Normal One!  All the Rest of You are the Crazy Ones!”  As far as my overall health is concerned, I feel at my best when I’m dealing with certain things and using my brain in a way that’s conducive in my healing and in my expression.  I cannot deliver on those promises, any promises, unless I can commit to a time frame and schedule with which to create my best work, bend my rather odd mind around that which I need to for my imagination to be firing on all neurons, and to become all that I can be on my time and realization.  Without these things, and the parts of my life that must be turned upside-down because of the crap that’s been heaped upon me, I must rise above the grossness, the melancholy, the grotesque, the ugly, the uninformed and ignorant masses, the broken and the distraught, the worn out and the walked on, to come to the proper ideals that everyone must strive to emulate:  Logic, Common Sense and the utter need to be Loved.  Not lusted after or intimately prodded (however that should work) because that is not love, that is the act of, what some people would call “lovemaking” and that’s not Love at all!

I know this all sounds well and good, but I believe that there’s a whole aspect of people’s lives that they take for granted because they see no other way to make things happen than whatever they’ve done for years– that same old person in that same old rut placed there by that person’s lack of foresight into where they need to truly be– not ruled by the inaccuracies of laws that force people into arbitrary categories or social levels or monetary worth.  I’m not condoning the world become Communist, not in the least; what I am saying is that everyone has something to learn, to teach and to understand either way, growing from a personal standpoint.  My friends, whom know of my journey, will need to know what I’m doing and where I’m going with all this…

This is my journey.  This is my journal.  This is my trek through the unknown, but I have a great support system, and friends who believe in my accomplishment, and the path that I must tread to get there.  Kyle (my counselor) and Whitney (a counseling intern), Pl&M, Mika, my sisters T & B, extended sisters KatB, Ria, my brothers RB and TJF, and all of those people who have walked before me, and those who will tread in my footsteps…  All of these journal entries are yours to read and try to make sense of.