Whence Gays Can Marry, The Apocalypse Cometh

I have a pretty active Facebook page, full of various likes, friends and a few games that I play to pass my time, but clicking on a link that George Takei had posted threw me for a loop, but once I realized it was just a comedic bit, it helped to soften the blow that I thought was going to be more Gay Bashing and Homosexual Hatred.  I was surprised.  Here’s the link so you too can watch:  The Ultimate Anti-Gay Marriage Ad.

I know I’m not here to tell people off, but this is what many so-called Christians think is going to happen…  The heavens are going to rain down fire and brimstone and destroy civilization as we know it.  It not going to happen.  Gay marriage is legal in Britain.  Gay marriage is legal in Sweden.  Gay marriage is legal in much of the United States…  Has there been an apocalypse?  Are we doomed in the eyes of the Lord?

Personally, I think not.  No one has the right to force his or her beliefs upon another person.  No one has the right to enact laws to force people to believe in an idea that is morally obtuse or socially irresponsible.  The refusal of Civil Unions or Gay Marriage is one of those ideas that help us stand for what is truly an equal footing.  There are homosexuals in the military who fight for the freedoms straight people have, but when it comes to those of us who love our life-partners and want to spend the rest of our lives with her, then we can’t!  This is the exact point I’m trying to make:  LezBeProud Episode 1.

I am Transgender!  I am Female!  Because I am this way, I am scrutinized in society for being different.  I may look and act different than someone who is not me, doing the same things I do:  drive the car, shop for clothes and groceries, walk to the mailbox.  We do the same things.  We make difficult decisions and casual choices everyday, just like everyone else!  If I am cut, do I not bleed?  If I am hurt, do I not feel pain?

Why do all of these people, who claim to be devout Christians (of whatever Christian sect), want to force their beliefs and their convictions upon the rest of us?  It’s far too easy to blame others for their religious persecution, because they believe it to be God’s Calling, or their religious right– turning the masses of heathens into Christians– and opening up space in Heaven for them to call Home.  I was Christian before I was Transgender!  I know about all of these things, but the Holy Scriptures have helped me to understand specific concepts that are very out-of-date.  The Holy Bible seems more a book of Moral-Based Stories around the lives of those Jesus and the Lord had devoutly touched.  “Take the good path.”  “Do unto others …”  “Listen and take the advice of your elders.”  “Don’t judge lest ye be judged.”  “Love thy neighbor.”  Where did the devout Christians go wrong?

Mass media and spin-off religious sects tend to pull the focus away from Love and Kindness to Blasphemy and Hatred.  It really makes me angry to see a religious jihad against anything LGBT.  Yes, I did say “religious jihad”.  That’s what it seems to be, more and more in the media, in the laws those Christians vote into power, forcing us who are allied and friends of our LGBT family to vote against such hatred.

We fight your wars.
We live with you in the cities, towns and farms.
We deliver your packages and mail.
We are helpful to you at Walmart and Sears and JCP and Kohl’s.
We wash your cars and clothes.
We care for your children.
We teach your children in schools.
We drive the streets as you do.
We eat at the same restaurants.
We dance and have fun at the same clubs.
We exercise and work out, just like you do.
We haven’t invaded, we were here all along!
It’s just now that you’re starting to see us for the first time!

Why is it that you’re afraid of us?  We’re not going to impose the same restrictions that you’ve unthinkingly imposed upon us.  That’s not the right thing to do.  Being Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual or Trans (transsexual, transgender) does not rub off or is ever contagious; it is the state of our being that gives us the right to oppose the Social Normalcy of Male and Female gender roles.  We are not a religious sect or fad.  We have our Atheists and Christians.  We have Buddhists and Hare Krishnas.  We have other religions as well, but we don’t persecute someone for being weird:  we embrace their compassion for being unique, individual!  It is our lot in life to accept the uniqueness and individuality that everyone possesses, not just those of the LGBT community!

To us:  Everyone is Equal.  That’s the way God intended!  That’s what the Constitution of the United States intended!  As members of One World Society, we are ALL equal.  All of us!

For the Ubiquitous Ugliness that Belies the Incorrigible

I think there’s a time and a place for everything.  It is the best thing that can become whatever we feel is necessary in our lives, the most important of all things, that of working through friendships and relationships, and taking it all in to deduce what’s right and just to make the best of things.  If I’m wrong, tell me.  If not, then allow me to continue…

I have been in this situation since last September (2012) and have been working to a culmination of various things, hoping that my decision is true and just for what I believe to be the crowning factor in what’s been a lie for over 20 years!  Nothing I have done or said to anyone has really been to hurt them, but to enlighten them to the fact that I’m pursuing a drastic change of lifestyle and demeanor. I never wanted those I considered my friends and family to turn their backs on me, snub me like a murder convict or as the “Scum of the Earth”, but that’s what happened when I told my former landlord, my former fiancee and a few (whom I considered) of my closest friends.  I felt like just abandoning life, running for the closest place I could to get away from everyone, and take my own life. …

I refused!  I told them, in my own way that I am just a human being.  I feel just like YOU!  I hurt just like YOU!  I bleed just like YOU!  I want my human rights just like YOUYOU’RE giving me nothing but anguish, hating me for my views and telling me off like I’m some kind of circus or sideshow freak!  I’m sorry that I’m not Lobster Boy or the Bearded Lady!  (ALL of these sideshow “freaks” were HUMAN, TOO, with FEELINGS and FAMILIES!  It was NOT their fault that YOU exploited them for YOUR sick and twisted amusement!)

Where have I gone wrong?  What have I done to deserve this kind of treatment?  I keep asking the same damn questions and I keep coming up with the same conclusions:  not a damn thing!  I know I’m just having problems with certain people and that they happen to get their facts tangled, then blame me for their misdirection.  It makes me feel like they’re trying to sabotage any relationship (friendship or business relationship) what we may have.  I struggle every day with acceptance and understanding for my acclimation and transition, but when that challenge is itself challenged, I tend to be defensive and unwilling to listen to anything these other people say– nothing– and I usually tune them out (or hang up on them, whichever is more convenient).

It kills me that there’s a bunch of ignorant and belligerent people who believe society is the way everything should be.  It also bothers me that there’s too many people who also think we have a binary gender system.  Not anymore!  All forms should have a list of choices for a person’s Gender:  Male, Female and Other!  This way, you don’t have to put yourself into the general binary gender system.  Why are there so many who fear us?  I’ve not done anything to anyone calling themselves Male or Female, nor have I caused them any harm.  I don’t really care what you call yourself, but I am a woman and I am that way because it’s not about the sum of my parts, but how I perceive and identify myself.  You no longer have control and I believe that’s what frightens you:  your society keeps telling you you’re doing the right thing, when obviously you’re not!

But how does my gender identity frighten you, when it’s not about you and how you feel?  “I think, therefore I am,” is a quote from some historical great thinker.  It makes some sense, but it belies a much deeper meaning than just those five words.  “I exist because I think.” … “I exist because I can think.” … “I exist because I choose to think.”  The fact that individuals can understand being is knowing and that knowledge is power should take to the streets and assist us in our personal struggles, where I believe that’s the stuff the flock is looking out for that makes them afraid of those who are like me, my brothers- and sisters-in-arms, and our supporters.  Why should they be afraid of us?  Sweden and the UK, even Ireland and Russia, Thailand, Japan, China and Canada all have transgendered and intersexed citizens, why can’t we?  Why do we not rate among the World Society?  As US citizens and many of us hold professional positions, vote, and pay taxes, why can’t we get the care, the medications and the services we need to help us become whole?

Fear.  That’s all it is…  Simple fear.  The politicians are scrambling to quell the onslaught of our LGBTQ community, though a healthy smattering, 30 to 35%, cross-dress or are closet homosexuals.  Another 2 to 5% are hiding their transgender status.  Yet another 1 to 3% are stating one gender when they are truly intersexed.  It all comes down to societal fear, and the yearning to be a generic normal.  Newsflash:  there is no generic or societal normal anymore!  I am a single member of this great nation, the US of A, and I am a single member of the LGBTQ community, through no fault of my own, and I am proud to be who I am and not the sum of my parts!

Knowledge is Power.  This has been blasted into me since I was old enough to read, write and comprehend!  I know many of us are Christian in some fashion, and that some of us are of other religious systems, but what bothers me most:  I see many of you harboring a deep-seated resentment or hatred for your fellows in religion.  Don’t call this a Holy War!  God made His flock in His image to help us to mend what we’ve broken, love unconditionally, and to never hate and envy our neighbors!  If you’re not religious, then it’s all to perpetuate love and kindness to all!  Karma can be well-deserved in any form it chooses, Good or Bad, benefiting or hurting whomever had made their choice.  I consider myself Wiccan and Christian, as both are symbolic of a Greater Love and Affinity for Life!  I would hope you, as fear-seekers, would just stop being prejudicial against what you don’t understand, open your minds and hearts to what we’re trying to explain, and allow our message to help guide you to be more understanding to what we are asking, as a whole, ending the violence and anti-LGBTQ policies and bills that you are trying to pass into law.  Allow us our freedoms and we will show you just how much like you we truly are!

Consider this.  I blog when I have been unjustly blasted, either verbally or physically, by someone I thought I could trust.  I cannot stand idly by and let people do this to me, nor can I delve into the possibilities that would compromise our collective safety, but I will notify and work out the pain, hurt and transgressions I feel, openly and with those of you who can honestly say “Hey, I know You!  I’ve been there. … How can I help?”  I am working through an exceptionally tough time right now and I want anyone who reads my blogs to, at least, have some kind of awareness that I am in need of assistance.  Nothing is needed more than to get “my transition on”.  I have few options, minimal funds and a loving wonderful family (family, friends and associates whom I consider my extended family) who are struggling as we all are in this horrendous economy.

I am looking toward alternatives for getting what I need for my transition, but I am seriously struggling in every aspect:  naysayers, non-believers and the prejudiced.  I put them out of my mind and take matters into my own hands (non-violently, of course).  I need more than just assistance:  I need more caring and loving friends, colleagues and acquaintances.  We all do.  My brothers- and sisters-in-arms do as well, and there’s almost no help for us medically…  Why?  Politicians and hateful/prejudicial Christian fear-mongering.  That’s all it is.  If someone at work is part of our LGBTQ community, then pull her aside, say something kind to her, and rally behind her when she needs it most.  Take up your pens and write to your state representatives to start more LGBTQ initiatives; help us get he medical treatment we need, the health assistance we have the right to, and bolster us when we fall.

I just want all of us to be happy and healthy.  Why can’t we?

Sorry, Been a While

I’ve been feeling weird and a little more out there than I have in quite some time.  I think there’s a reason for that, and I’m relishing in it today…

I don’t know what happened but I felt so backward over the last few days.  Like I had been taking it all wrong and not knowing why I felt so depressed.  I realized why:  I have been fighting the flu and didn’t really know.  I felt so out of it and detestable that I didn’t want to talk to anyone, didn’t want to blog, didn’t want to play games– just felt like sleeping a whole lot more than I usually do– and I began to.

Still sick and still upset, I still feel a little backward, but that’s going to change a little bit.  I received some makeup from some wonderful friends, and I think I’ll put on some this afternoon.  Yay!

I feel so much better than I did these past few days.  It’s so nice to know that I have such amazing and wonderful friends who have helped me get through these things.  Clayton Bowman was the first to offer some help and had Facebook problems, still managed to drop me a message about helping me deal with what vexes me.  Toren Fischer, also via Facebook, came to my aid and helped me feel better.  My brother-in-arms is such a wonderful person!  (I can’t seem to stop saying ‘wonderful’, huh?)  I would love to set up an event to bring all of my friends together and meet, much like the live personal events that Second Life holds in various locations around the world throughout the year.  I can’t wait!  This will be my “Worldwide Coming Out Party”!

I want all of my friends to know that I am thinking of them, maybe not every day, but I do think of them.  This is the primary reason for my party, as One Thank You for them all…

I think I know my plan and how I plan on getting to my ultimate goal; it’s going to take me a while, but I know it’s what I need to accomplish.  I want everyone to feel as great as I do when I get there.

I can’t wait!

New Place and Trepidations

I have been given a wonderful opportunity to finally finish my RPG and off to a new location. (Same town, but a new location.) I thank those who needed me to do so, and those who see this as an adventure into me! Thank you all.

I also think this is seriously going to benefit me in the long run. I can be responsible for assisting with the house and making dinner and such, but allowing me to be me and not have to look back. Currently, being in my current home, I feel so unsafe and unwelcome. It’s more because of my landlord’s actions and the way he talks, and the way my former fiancee has wanted me to stay (and live my life in my artificial skin) for her to be happy (and me miserable). I can’t do that any longer. I just have to tell them that I’m leaving and I need this to help me grow. My job search can wait and I will get better through the help of my ‘true friends’! P & M have opened up their hearts and their home to me, and I have nothing but the utmost respect for them and their decision. Their son, J, also thinks I’m a little goofy, but that’s because he’s 20 months old… I love them all! They’re like my extended family; allowing me to come into their lives like this, and to allow me to set up myself for success in their home. The last time I was offered a place to live was back in college (physically going to college) and I met a mutual friend of another friend, and I talked to her and her husband. They had two children and a housemate. I loved them like family and I respected them completely, but I got restless when I started to CD again, and didn’t know how to approach them. The only thing I could figure out was to leave, strike out on my own, and take the unsafe path again… I ended up regretting it.

Eventually, I managed to lose my job at the time and many friends because they never really knew me and I thought I knew them. CB was a great friend throughout all this, as were his grandparents, and I loved them too. CB is one of my Facebook friends; we reconnected over the last year and he was happy to hear from me again. He missed me! Thanks CB!

I hope I can leave this place without any incident, without any conflict. I have paid my dues with L. (All of the back rent has been paid in full since I have been keeping track of the hours I’ve worked and rounded the hourly wage to $7. I can’t be his indentured servant any longer; it’s seriously causing me grief, discord and depression… It’s also the reason for my over-eating and stress-related weight gain.)

I am worried I cannot take all of my stuff. I have a small office to move (a desk, printer, rack-style server, one server-made-desktop, another 10-bay sata server, my music and karaoke collection, my programming books and other RPG books and guides, mic and mic stand, my RockBank guitar… lol) There’s more stuff, but that’s the first thing that goes. Then there’s the other stuff: clothes, toiletries (toilet trees? LOL), software and OS discs, MP3 players and thumb drives, Xbox 360 controllers, computer parts, crates and bags of books and connection cables. There’s at least a metric tonne of stuff I so have to move, and maybe a few hours to move it, if that! It’s something I want and need to take. I have a couple of older Apple Macs that has a hard drive that’s been shared between them and an Amiga 500 with about 6 years of collected software. That’s what I originally wrote my RPG on: the A500! Then onto the PC, then Macs, then back to PC. With this change, I will be able to finish it, get it published and start making money with it… Then onto bigger and better things.

So many things I’ll be able to do now that I’ll finally be out there and among the living, because as it was, I was only existing and barely feeling alive!  I cannot deal with the ignorant and misinformed anymore.  Moreover, I can’t help but feel sorry for T (my former fiancee) and what she’s been through and what’s been going on with her; when I leave, I’m gone and she doesn’t even want anything to do with me.  I’ve always left my girlfriends (and some of my boyfriends, they came back to friends after they realized I was not the gossip queen they thought I’d be) as friends, because life’s too short to be caught up in regret, grudge and excommunication.  I’d rather be friends with someone than not and I’d rather feel safe than not.  I think anyone would given who they are and who they’re with.

We all have a Fight or Flight response, though with men, it seems that it’s more Offense, Defense, or Defense to Offense.  Women typically have just a Fight or Flight response to threatening behavior.  I have been living with my psyche twisted in knots and have never realized what it was that it needed:  now I know and I am feeling SO LIBERATED with this coming change!  I need it and I know my friends are looking forward to getting some help in the exchange.  I’m a little nervous with it, but I think I can immediately fit right in!  Their needed Tetris 4-block piece to clean out that pesky Tetris at the top of their game, impeding their progress…  I hope it’s a clean fit! LOL

I am still feeling a bit nervous and not really sure what to do.  I only have a tiny window of opportunity and need to get out of this endless cycle of grief, discord and depression, or “I will do something drastic and may not survive the night.”  I certainly don’t need nor want anything like this at all!  I just want to be:  Be Normal in an Abnormal World!  As far as I am concerned:  “I’m the Normal One!  All the Rest of You are the Crazy Ones!”  As far as my overall health is concerned, I feel at my best when I’m dealing with certain things and using my brain in a way that’s conducive in my healing and in my expression.  I cannot deliver on those promises, any promises, unless I can commit to a time frame and schedule with which to create my best work, bend my rather odd mind around that which I need to for my imagination to be firing on all neurons, and to become all that I can be on my time and realization.  Without these things, and the parts of my life that must be turned upside-down because of the crap that’s been heaped upon me, I must rise above the grossness, the melancholy, the grotesque, the ugly, the uninformed and ignorant masses, the broken and the distraught, the worn out and the walked on, to come to the proper ideals that everyone must strive to emulate:  Logic, Common Sense and the utter need to be Loved.  Not lusted after or intimately prodded (however that should work) because that is not love, that is the act of, what some people would call “lovemaking” and that’s not Love at all!

I know this all sounds well and good, but I believe that there’s a whole aspect of people’s lives that they take for granted because they see no other way to make things happen than whatever they’ve done for years– that same old person in that same old rut placed there by that person’s lack of foresight into where they need to truly be– not ruled by the inaccuracies of laws that force people into arbitrary categories or social levels or monetary worth.  I’m not condoning the world become Communist, not in the least; what I am saying is that everyone has something to learn, to teach and to understand either way, growing from a personal standpoint.  My friends, whom know of my journey, will need to know what I’m doing and where I’m going with all this…

This is my journey.  This is my journal.  This is my trek through the unknown, but I have a great support system, and friends who believe in my accomplishment, and the path that I must tread to get there.  Kyle (my counselor) and Whitney (a counseling intern), Pl&M, Mika, my sisters T & B, extended sisters KatB, Ria, my brothers RB and TJF, and all of those people who have walked before me, and those who will tread in my footsteps…  All of these journal entries are yours to read and try to make sense of.