Christmas Has Passed and I’m Unsure

Nothing’s ever been set in stone for me– nothing. It just seems that with all of the things that I could be doing to keep my mind off my depression and my loneliness, I keep coming back to these unseated and unnerving realizations that I’m getting older and nothing’s going to change that.

With all of the intelligence and imagination I contain, I still cannot seem to bear being alone. This Christmas was one of the loneliest times I have ever struggled to endure. My family, here in Mississippi that I’m staying with, is loving and caring, yes, but is rather distant because of my decision to transition. I was informed by the mother of my kids that I needed to keep my ‘original’ Facebook page up so they can see it when they’re older. My thinking is “Why?”

Why should I subject them to the irrationality of my former existence when this is the existence I chose to make for me; so I can live a happy life? She also called me ‘selfish’ among other things and, though I tend not to be selfish for being selfish, this is one thing I must insist upon: I am not any better or worse than anyone else; I am me.

Love me. Hate me. Joke and Laugh with me. It’s just me– not a “new” me because many of our allies think that’s what we mean when we’re “out”– but this has “always been” me, a little more to know and a little more to get to know. I’m still learning about me, too. And that’s the beauty of being transgendered: You never stop learning about being yourself! You is all you have!

I read in a semi-recent article today from TransGriot how the HRC has been playing our community as chumps and taking the low road to not include us in their fight for so-called equal rights. Human rights are inalienable, worth-while and necessary for the “pursuit of life, liberty and happiness” in all their forms! Without the smallest modicum of respect and acceptance, we end up relegated as much as African-Americans struggled for their equality over the past 100 years or so. Not having policies in place for the protection of employment, spousal benefits and marriage equality, I tend to think that we’re running forward at top speed, while the treadmill is cranked just beyond what we can manage, forcing us backwards. Nothing hurts me more than knowing an agency that I trusted to help, has only hindered our progress and devastated many trans people and organizations in the United States. They’re more out for getting media exposure than actually helping us, all the while backing the “wrong” candidates and hindering the passing of policies and pandering to the right-wing extremists who use their influence to bash, not only us, but the entire spectrum of societal non-conformists.

What have we done to them, personally, directly or indirectly, to warrant their lack of compassion and acceptance? Why has the HRC defended these anti-LGBT puppets and perpetual propaganda producers? It’s about the HRS getting large and viable contributions and kickbacks from these high-profile politicos whom they believe will help the HRC advance their own causes. With the HRC’s perpetual placating of the political pontiffs at every event they go, it’s as if the HRC has their own lackadaisical laurels to blame, and they just use more double-talk to spin the issues at hand: they’ve had their own mouthpieces spew “trans inclusive issues”, yet retract those very statements stating “… [we] had misspoken.” What?!

As a societal non-conformist, I believe we all, as Human beings, have a right to certain unquenchable Human dignities and rights– not able to be taken away– and to be able to use these to, not only benefit in our daily lives, but to thrive, as we choose to live, and finally be rid of the hate and propaganda shackles that have oppressed us for oh so long! Am I wrong here? We need “… these truths be self-evident that all men are created equal” and not just some piece of propaganda that gets promised and then repealed because someone gets offended when they finally realize “… it’s not about me, is it …” rhetoric.

Get off your damn soapboxes and DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! I’m pointing my finger directly at you, HRC, and your utter lack of hiring trans people of any significant number, lack of bringing our community into the spotlight when all you’re interested in is making political statements and political friends. Start doing something that makes a difference to EVERYONE IN THE COMMUNITY and not those that you THINK HAVE THE BEST CHANCE TO BACK just to make anti-LGBT policy!!! Step away from the podium, take a look in the mirror and realize the reality that is the HRC! It’s not a pretty face to see, is it?

I can’t imaging what my life would have been like had I come out at 14, but if I had known it was going to be a lifetime of hardship and anger and misunderstandings, then I probably wouldn’t have until now.

And maybe it’s just better that way…

I Feel Unimportant Today

Nothing has ever entrenched me in my own beliefs than when I finally realized I was transgender and did something about it.  Nothing prepared me for the endurance I needed to show the world my face, my mind and my soul.  I am human, and nothing beyond that truly matters!  When I am gone, will my legacy and the two sons I fathered really care that I was transgender?

I couldn’t begin to fathom that revelation.  Nothing prepared me for the loss of dear close friends, people I confided in when it mattered the most and the eventual loss of life that we all must endure when lost are the loved ones, called Home to Greener Pastures.

Nothing prepared me for the move to Mississippi from Florida.  Such a different and hateful place; moreso that I’m transgender; not to mention I’m lesbian too.  I have no friends locally; I have family locally, but many of them are distant or refuse to see me for the wonderful and lovely person I am.

I have become so much more than the sum of my parts, including my ‘danglies’ that will be dealt with soon enough.  I feel I am just trapped in a body that’s not even mine– I guess I’m renting it– until such time as I can make the renovations to make it truly my own.  This is the limbo, the Purgatory, I’m living in:  Not feminine enough for the trans-community’s most vocal pundits, and not lesbian enough or woman enough for cis-gendered lesbians and their unforgiving ilk.  Nothing hurts me more than to tell me “[you’re] not worthy!”

Dammit, I’m more woman than you’ll ever know, care to know, or experience!  Shove off…  Or as some of my British friends would say:  “Bugger off, Wanker!”  I’m fed up with this stereotyping and complacency in the groups and chats and pages of Lesbians and other Transgender groups on Facebook and other social media sites!  I created Trans Out World Magazine (http://transoutworld.tk) for all of is who have felt the harassment of “tranny”-chasers, trolling Christian hate-mongers, and other such unsavory miscreants.  Nary a day goes by when I’m accosted by scam artists from Nigeria, people who claim to be Americans willing to help me and yet demand money from me when I’m still trying to collect on my royalties, and others who just want me to ‘take it off’ and ‘show me’.  I’m not that kind of gal, and refuse to have long-distance masturbation sessions– HELL NO!– and that’s all sexting and chat-sex are; nothing more!

I am a woman of high morals.  I am a woman of decent standards.  I am a woman that loves the rich life, but understands I don’t have the budget for that.  My credit is poor.  I owe for student loans and I’m unemployed because I am unable to get out to find work; the internet is a lovely proposition, but there’s no one really hiring for anything that would allow for me to stay home and work and do my job– retail sales are taken care of by automated systems, tossed off to real people in warehouses and logistics locations, then shipped off to you– what part of this allows me to intercede or intercept anything in this situation from home?  Nothing, again.  My computer expertise is relegated to specific systems and application, of which I’d love to tutor, but alas no one trusts the ‘outsider’.

I have been writing for a long time.  Since before I realized I knew what the word “imagination” meant.  I was a smart kid, read far above the grade level (I was reading second year college in fifth grade), and I loved to play house, and dress up and tea party, and my dad wanted nothing to do with that.  He literally tried to beat it out of me at age 5!

I still love dinner parties and entertaining.  I love to cook and bake and make things happen in the kitchen; this time spent with my sister Cindy has proved challenging, but also enlightening and because I can assimilate a lot of things in any environment, I can work things out in my head for substitutions for people with food allergies, or the dislike of certain foods.  it’s works for many people, and it works for me:  I’m allergic to cinnamon and coconut, two healthy agents that help to curb hunger and lose weight naturally.  (Sucks to be me… LOL)

I am not usually this eloquent when I speak, but that’s all going to chance, and very soon!  I am working on several projects, the least of which if the aforementioned online magazine.  I want the very best for my Trans* Family!  The very best!  I am working on a trans-friendly homeless shelter, specializing in education, counseling for allies and trans, a safe environment from bullying and negative impacts, a location for those in transition to transition into proper residential situations, blood testing with an endocrinologist on site (hormones levels, HIV/AIDS, medical conditions), and a RNP on-site for routine visits and prescriptions.  I would also provide meals to homeless people, whether trans or not, and have a separate location, on-site- with a chaperone, for out trans-youth who have been put out of their homes due to unaccepting parents or guardians.

I am also proposing the creation of a charity organization called “Sisters’ Hearts Gateway” that will be available to provide, at little or no cost, resources for all of our Trans Family worldwide!  I want this charity to help provide employment, housing and educational assistance in the US, with branches in every country in the world.  I want to do this by the end of 2015.  This is no small task!

I want to make my magazine a printed publication for the Trans Community to make things happen and to give them a reason to no longer be afraid of coming OUT; let us help make that a reality for the many who are still closeted.  I also have three businesses that I can’t run on my own:  one is an indie game development studio, one is a graphic design studio, and one is a game guide and book publishing entity.  None of these are real without me.  None of these are here without me.  I am willing to go the extra mile to be the largest trans-employed entity in the world and it all starts with you:  family, friends and allies!

I need to get to Los Angeles and to document this all the way.  I am so nervous with anticipation that I can’t contain myself!  I want to get underway very quickly and be there before Christmas (or New Year’s Day) if possible.

I am a woman of vision and a woman of dreams!  I am a visionary and someone who truly cares about equality and human rights.  Please help me to achieve my goals, and through this effort, we can be proud to be called Transgender!  Please help me to make this happen!

What I Propose to Do

I am in talks with various online distributors of my e-books to see if they have in fact transferred any sales information to BookTango. s BookTango claims I have made no sales and they are not paying me.

I am also looking to use this money to move to California, but without it I can’t move.  Hell of a Catch 22 I’m in, huh?

This morning I left Scribd.com an e-mail that stated I had talked to someone on their site back in August about how their site shows Views and such, and was informed that those views were sales and that there should be a report soon, once they get a few more facts from BookTango.  This was in August, and there’s nothing listed in my reports on BookTango for anything.

I know I’ve sold some e-books.  Amazon thinks I’m some kind of crackpot and refuses to acknowledge me regarding the discounted prices for my e-books, as well as letting me see the sales figures for them…  What the hell?!

Seems nothing I do is good enough for anyone.  NOTHING!  I am so sick and tired of people holding my money, refusing to let me have what’s rightfully earned, and claiming I have nothing.  This is bullshit if the purest sense!

I want to be happy.  I want to be able to take care of myself with what I do, but with this kind of BS and them tying my hands, I can’t make or do whatever I need to to further my transition, get where I am needed and help those whom I love.  Most of my family had abandoned me or slandered me to Mississippi state officials over some shlock and circumstance, simply because I was an easy target.  Now these same family members want my money– sadly there’s no money to get– and I’m stuck in Mississippi where my health is failing and my sanity!  No one in Mississippi wants to help me get right with the world, on the right track and frame of mind, and no one wants to be able to help me pay for doctors’ visits when I’m unemployed and can’t claim unemployment.  What gives?!

My food stamps were cut last month by about $12.  I’m looking at getting them either cut or eliminated by January because of some crap that the government has already implemented to drop our poor families further and further out of the reach of the American Dream.  Here’s the link to the article:  http://news.yahoo.com/stick-poor-congressional-strategy-080500785.html

This has me pissed off moreso than my lack of money!  If BookTango is screwing with all of their client’s monies, then we all need to tell them off, file a lawsuit and get our money!