Enemies over Friends

I have a ‘friend’ who believes she’s still close to me.  She also believes I may have forgotten about the money she owes me for some sleep medication.  Every time I see her on Facebook or on Skype, I say “Hi” or “Hey” and she signs off or shuts off her phone.  She knows she owes me this money and it’s been since after Thanksgiving last year (1012) that she’s kept telling me that she will pay me.  Then the excuses and the monies she received from a death in her family, and more excuses.  I’m not even sure if she’d talk to me on the phone, but I am sick of her avoiding me and hiding herself away from me.  We had been intimate between her former fiancee and her current one; nothing for her current fiancee to worry about.  I loved her like a friend (with benefits) but I knew that would not happen often and I was happy with that.

This is when things started getting pretty weird and our friendship started taking a turn for the worse…  Her current fiancee is a very jealous man.  He, thinking I’m doing this for the attention and the money, seems to be afraid of what I might do with his girlfriend; he still thinks of me a a guy, too, so that’s his loss.

She and I have had our intimate connections from time to time while she was with her ex.  Truthfully, being with her in that way felt so right on so many levels, but having the anatomy I have is what makes this kind of thing exceptionally foreign to me.  We enjoyed each other, but ultimately I knew who I was, though not why.

The tirade that I’m in the process of posting to her, I also want to post to a few friends to let them know my intentions, and how I intend to exact justice, but that I will be striking her from my Facebook account and my Skype contacts.  She has really set me off, and I finally got up the courage to explain how I truly feel about this.

To Lexi:

You ask for stuff in the games we play mutually and I give it freely.  That’s what I do and how I am supposed to treat people (it’s in the Bible).  You still will not pay me back that little bit.  I am struggling to find work here, starting a business with a couple of friends I made while living here, and the family I’m a nanny for loves me and my cooking!

When you dissed me before I left, I thought you’d never want to see me or talk to me for as long as you lived.  That’s exactly how I felt.  I’m sorry for all the crap that I did for you out of the kindness and friendship we shared.  I’m so upset and angry with you and your actions that I’m not sure what to do.

I love you in a way that Stefan will never understand, and with that you should respect me for the discovering who I am and where I’m going with in this journey.  I love who I am now and not even you can stand in the way of my progress!

Lately, you’ve been disrespecting me when I see you’re on Facebook or Skype and I offer a simple “Hi”, you shut me out.  You immediately hop off like I’ve just e-slapped you in the face.  You promised me you’d pay me.  You said with your own mouth and mind.  Stefan was there to hear it too.  Would you like me to tell him about those few times where we were intimate and I helped satisfy you?  If you don’t, I would seriously recommend you pay me.

Understand, if you were in my position, wouldn’t you want me to pay you back?  I did things that were against my moral compass, because my best friend asked me to.  You know I don’t usually do those kinds of things, but I did so you could be happy.  (I just wish it was a different relationship, is all– us I mean and *NOT* you and Stefan.)

We truly had some real heart-to-heart talks in your green Buick.  I loved that car!  What happened to that scared girl from northern Florida?  What happened to the girl who called me when she found out she was pregnant by some guy who took advantage of you, while in the Navy?  I told you then how I felt.  I knew Matthew wouldn’t understand, but he’d just roll over (like all those time you and he got intimate) and I’d be able to stake a claim in your life.  I loved you then.  I still do…

The things between us have changed.  I feel I need to stop hoping for that *never-ending romance*, that *hopeless romance* that I told you about.  The one where we split from our significant others and embrace what we have together.  With my new-found personal discovery and my yearning for a special friend, one who knows me, I hoped we could figure all of that out– it never came– and you shirked me, tossed me to the wayside *AND* complained that I was taking too long bathing because you were going to a movie with Stefan.

What kind of friend would promise their best friend to lend a helping hand and spend time with her when you may never see her again?  Why would you make me feel so insignificant, almost as if I’m lying to you about moving, and taking it upon yourself to not pick up the phone and call me; or even answer when I called!?  Did you not have any intestinal fortitude to stand up to Stefan just this once and make my last night in Gibsonton one that we would both remember?

… … Apparently not.  Apparently you never cared.  Apparently you used me.  You used my writing expertise.  You used my knowledge of sexual intimacy for your own gains.  You used me and used me and used me, but when I needed a little hand (or some money when I sold to you a few personal things), you turn your back on me like a little crying puppy or a child you’re trying to teach to live away from you for a few hours.  Mechele and Paul saw how I was the night before, crying, weeping, hoping you’d come and help and visit.  Mechele called Stefan about you coming over; he told her he didn’t know anything about what you told me and that he didn’t mind you coming over.  You gave a mathematics homework excuse…  Then the following day, you even told me the day before if not then, “tomorrow”.  I called you all day.  From my phone, Paul and Mechele’s phone and did not even answer.  Again making me feel helpless and useless.  Stefan didn’t even want to be disturbed over it.  Around 5:30 you called back and told Mechele that Stefan had a computer issue and Pat was there to help fix it; you HAD to watch the puppies.  You could have put them outside, gotten in your car and came to see me.  You didn’t, then upon getting there, you and Stefan try to rush me out of the bath.  You and Stefan also got read the Riot Act by both Paul and Mechele!  Where the hell were your priorities that night!?  Why the broken promise!?

I guess I only rated as a useable friend.  One whom you could pull the wool over her eyes and lambaste when things didn’t go right for you.  I am supposed to be *YOUR* best friend!  Why have you treated me as less than Human?  Paul and Mechele have allowed me into their home without prejudice, without hate, without a care knowing I would do them no harm.  Both you and Stefan have this preconceived notion that I am doing this for attention or that I’m doing this for monetary gain; if that was true, where’s all my money?  Where’s all my worldly possessions?  Where’s my purple Kia Soul?  Where’s my Xbox slim?  Where’s my 64″ flat panel 120Hz LCD widescreen television?  Where’s my airplane tickets to Spain, Ireland and Japan?

If you give me any more excuses why you have not paid me, then consider this:  you’re through being my friend; you’re not even an acquaintance of mine; not a colleague or a co-worker…  You’re just some dumb twat that I used to know who screwed me over for a measly $90.

The ball is now in your court.  The next move is yours.  Make it count.

This is exactly how I feel.  I want her to understand that she needs to pay back her debt and then things can be happy and proper again.  Just as it was when we first met working at WalMart in Gibsonton– the under-appreciated electronics co-worker and the electronics ‘mastermind’ for fielding customers questions– gathering ourselves and talking in her car for hours after work.  I knew we were both looking for similar things in life; I told her I’d never hurt her.  Now, this whole thing is hurting me more than I care to express…

I care for her and care about her.  Her SO thinks highly of her, but barely shows it.  He’d rather spend time off work relaxing playing games than relaxing and being close and intimate with her.  That’s what she’s missing in her life; an intimate connection.  Now that I’m no longer there, she’s got to deal with it on her own…

What the Hell is Wrong with Family?!

I was in the hospital for 4 days suffering from pneumonia and an extreme pain in my lower abdomen, testicles and scrotum.  Apparently that was attributed to an overdose of antihistamines and a flash of diabetic neuropathy.  I may now be allergic to antihistamines and I’m not liking that assessment…  I did manage to feel better and get through the toughest part of the pneumonia, antibiotics working to help me kick the infection.  I was given a prescription and sent on my way…  I didn’t want to leave; there were a couple nurses and orderlies (they’re not called that anymore O.o) that I wanted to ask out, but I only got to ask one and she turned me down. (sad face)

Needless to say I had a treat when my niece and sister I hadn’t seen in nearly 24 years shows up at the hospital and wants to see me get better (T).  My other two sisters were there (C and B), and we hadn’t been together since our mother was alive.  This was a treat…

A family friend of B’s had a heart attack and was admitted to the same hospital and she went to see him.  C and my niece (J) went for a cigarette and to check on the puppies in the car J and T had driven in from Georgia.  Mike was with T and she pulled him aside, out in the hallway after meeting me for about 10 minutes, and asked him, without my permission, if I could stay with him to help him with his twins and look after him.  How rude!  I didn’t know this man and she’s forcing him on me like some kind of deranged pimp or something.  I told Mike that I appreciated the offer and that I would have to think about it.  He agreed.

When C came up, she brought me some clean clothes.  She told me that I had undies in those clothes; I didn’t look well enough to find them and thought she didn’t.  I told her I didn’t find them.  (This was just before she and J left for a smoke.)  T and Mike left to smoke and J came back up; C had to make a couple of phone calls and stayed downstairs.  When J, T and Mike came back, I was served my lunch.  It looked just awful, and it nearly smelled the same way.  T offered to go get some lunch for the 4 of us and I wrote my order down for Subway.   I also wrote down J’s order and Mike and T left for lunch retrieval.

I told J that I did not have clean undies and she called her mom, T, and tells her about it.  She goes to Walmart and searches for some, HJMS and while T’s searching she’s still talking to J on the phone (size, colors, and other such things).  Sometimes T can’t find certain things when they’re right before her eyes; typical T.  She asks about FoTL, asks the size again and picks up a three pack.  Little did I know B was coming back to the room.  She was peckish and wanted some lunch too.  J called T to stop by McDonald’s to pick up a Big Mac and a Dr Pepper.  She agrees.

J and I talked about her mom with B offering her bits about T’s overbearing nature.  I told T several times in phone conversations that “… [she] needs a good woman in her life.”  She kept thinking I was talking about her turning lesbian and following that path.  I was talking about her finding a good woman for a friend and someone to confide in, other than her daughter J who she considers more of a friend than her own daughter.  I also tried to explain to J that T’s been trying to usurp her control over J’s household at home, and J informs me that when T tries, J leaves the house to cool off, and to let T realize what she’s did to run J off.  (We’ve had several conversations about T and it always ends up with J leaving the house and T staying there.)

T’s plan is for Mike and his twins to move to Georgia, to be with her, in J’s house.  J has a lot of room, but is not ready to have children in her home, much less a stranger’s.  We have had conversations about other things, and this one stuck in J’s craw.  Her hubby, Anton, is in Iraq, trying to help rebuild some infrastructure that was lost over the war.  Anton known of T’s tirades and bullying.  Too bad Anton can’t reach out to J and find out about the conditions of the household.

As I was getting ready to check out of the Health Hotel, I asked one of the orderlies (Natalie) if she was seeing anyone.  She told me she was.  I gave her my number.  She accepted it.  I was so happy.  C helped me out with B’s netbook and my other belongings.  (I borrowed it on my trip to C’s to stay for a while while we tried to get me into the TVRHA in Tupelo.)  I had a feeling they were going to keep me for a few days; too bad I didn’t have the forethought to grab clothing too.

C and I got to Walmart and I turned in my prescription.  We had a little shopping to do and we covered most of the store.  I was in a powered cart because it still hurt to walk (lower abdomen, etc.), and she had a regular shopping cart.  We parted for a little bit while I went back to the pharmacy to see if my prescription was filled.  C went into the next aisle to field a call from T.  C told me that I had talked to P&M about staying at their place; we were just talking, nothing set in stone yet.  C also told her about her calling a few days previous; T told her that she had just checked her phone and it was in her purse.

Misconstrued information and about two hours later, I’m talking to P on Skype and we’re having a great conversation.  A good back and forth about the possibilities of my staying with her and M and her 8 kids.  I thought that would be wonderful.  So did she.  T calls and asks to speak to me, she thought that C told her I was moving into P&M’s home and that C had dropped me off there.  T was on speakerphone and I was on Skype with P.  P told T twice about my being on Skype and not at her home; T didn’t want to hear it!  She started yelling at P about lying that I was there.  P hung up on her.

P and I started back again.  I left my mic near my cell, on speakerphone, so P could hear my conversation with T.  She told me about some crap that C had lied to her about my being over at P&M’s; T also said she talked to Mike.  Mike had called P and it had nothing to do with T and her crap with me and C, in the interim.  I told T that it was ultimately my decision and that P and I were still talking about it.

T started yelling at me again.  In the hospital, when she yelled, I lost my respect for her.  What the Hell?!  This time I wasn’t taking it.  I called J back on the home phone to just talk to her, and the conversation started pretty normal.  I kept the mic situation the same way as before.  I never knew T was so paranoid that she had picked up the extension and listened in on our conversation.  I told J that her mother was a bully.  That’s when all Hell broke loose!  T started yelling and told me I was an idiot for thinking that.  That’s when I hung up.  P thought I fainted away and asked if I was okay.  I said I wasy.

Talking to P, I told her that T needs to seek professional help.  Our conversation went back to something else, I don’t really remember what it was about.  Tina calls back and apologizes about her tirade, crying crocodile tears, and trying to get me to accept her apology and to forgive her negativity.  All I replied was “Uh huh.” for all of her questions.  I was typing to P and she was listening.  As soon as the conversation began to turn, T immediately stopped her faux sadness and began to get fixated on some stuff about C and about B, and I told her they had nothing to do with my decision and where I’m going to stay.  Then T starts to accuse me of withholding information from her.  Yes, I didn’t want her to know I was staying in Tupelo with B.  Yes, I didn’t tell her I moved from Florida to Mississippi.  She never told me that she moved from Mississippi to Georgia for almost 4 months.  I found out looking at her Skype profile!  I asked her about looking at my Skype profile.  Her response:  “I never looked at it.  I don’t have to.”  Then more about how she’s been trying to get this done, get that done, and wanting Mike and I to travel to Georgia and visit over the summer.

I told her that I wouldn’t right now because I’m not comfortable with the way she forced me on him at the hospital the day before.  She started yelling at me again.  I hung up.

P and I parted ways on Skype and I went to bed.  P was amazed that T would not let stuff go…  She did live with T for a few months, too.  She and M knew!

Here’s something that I wrote today to J on Facebook about how I have perceived T, her mom, and that I’m no longer considering anything she says nor am I allowing her to interfere with my life and my future.

—Facebook Tirade Starts—

Yesterday
J:  Hey I’m sorry about earlier I didn’t know my mother was on the phone

Today
7:05pm
Me:  that’s fine. i explained how i felt, imho, to you in the texts i sent this morning.

i love you. i always will. you’re mom needs to stay out of my life for what she’s trying to do. she needs to stop trying to be “the good Christian” and learn to be a loving caring meaningful person who is not always on the defensive

7:11pm
Me:  T needs to understand that her ways are driving the people she ‘supposedly’ loves the most out of her life. judgement will come, but not from me, from God, and when she realizes that’s all she’s doing is judging people, and running roughshod over them for ‘apparently’ not listening to her side, then she is welcome back. until she seeks professional care, enters some kind of psychiatric ward to accept her real problems of “delusion”, “hysteria”, “paranoia”, and “lack of self control”, then i want nothing more to do with her.

7:13pm
Me:  as far as the reunion, off. if i feel we can have one, it’s not at your house. sorry, T’s got too much influence in your life. your husband needs to be a part of your life more (not saying he’s a bad man for being away and making a living), i’m just saying that it’s T that needs to vacate your house instead of you when she’s rampaging. she’s so quick to temper, quick to judge, and she’s always thinking that someone’s trying to pick on her, screw her over and mess with her head that she can’t see the forest for the trees. T’s a mess, and she needs assistance getting cleaned up.

7:16pm
Me:  i’m sorry, but that’s how i feel. that’s my opinion. if T thinks she can keep on keeping on the track she feels is most Christian, then <kiss> beautiful. if she comes to the realization that there’s a problem in her burning bridges of those who care about her the most, then she can find a short pier and take a long walk. i need not her kind of sisterly love and her flavor of Christianity in my life.

7:17pm
Me:  when i find someone i truly care about, a girlfriend or significant other who wants to spend the rest of her life with me, and T’s still like this, she’s not going to be welcome in my home.

C’s already told me that T’s no longer welcome in her home. C’s also fed up with T’s lies and untruths, as i am.

i’d call, but i’m afraid T’s going to jump on the phone, like last night, and try to call me into her rage and disappointment. sorry T, never going to happen again. you fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me! that’s where I am, J.

7:21pm
Me:  if you feel offended with what i’ve said about your mom, i was not trying to offend you in the least. i just wanted to say how i felt and wanted to vent; T, right now, is a bad influence in your life. she wants “what’s best for you” but had a twisted way of showing it– you do something that’s not ‘right’ in her eyes and instead of asking and showing what was wrong– she barks orders, screams and yells and tells you right where you need to go <straight to Hell>.

7:24pm
Me:  T needs to take some of her own advice and find herself a nice well-woven hand-basket, the biggest box of Life cereal she can find, and realize you, me, C and B are trying to give her the benefit of the doubt, but all T sees is a bunch of her siblings as talking heads, spouting off devilish things. we dislike her actions. we dislike what she says about us. we still love the person. wherever T is, we want that T back.

if you feel you need to call me, do so away from your house.

i love you

—Facebook Tirade Ends—

It’s not that I hate my sister.  Quite the opposite.  We find in our everyday lives joys, happiness, fun, turmoil and drama.  I prefer the drama I can turn off with a remote (or with a switch).  T seems to think she’s still in her 20s and had to bully her way back into our lives.  She used to be a kinder, gentler soul, but all the crap she’s been through, and the stuff she personally witnessed (or claims to) has twisted her mind.  We all suffer from some kind of mental states; me with my transgender realization; C with her becoming introverted when she needs to say something; B with her no nonsense attitude and truthful nature, telling someone how it is and how it affects her and the people around  her.

T is going to go off on the wrong people and find herself in a world of trouble.  I love her dearly, don’t get me wrong, but what the Hell is going on with her?  I’d love to drop some recordings of her craziness, but I wont to protect the privacy of those I deal with on a regular basis.  She needs to come to the realization that what she’s doing is wrong and seek help.  If not, help will be sought for her.  I can even do it from here, but J needs to do it from her home.  T needs some tough love and a Divine Intervention…

And I sincerely hope it comes soon.

Music, its Meaning and the New Year

This was sent to my friend Gina via Skype, with references to our mutual friends, and some of the best memories I’ve had relating to music and friends.

Listening to Evanescence and thinking of all the songs that have meant something to me, touched me, or brought me to tears.  Much of Evanescence does, Enrique Iglesias’ “Hero”…

I just f**king wish certain people would just leave me the f**k alone.  Not ever you, of course.  My ex-landlord for instance… >_<

I want you to know that I think I found Bert on Facebook this evening.  I do hope it’s her.  Fingers crossed.  LOL

I need some way to get some of this stuff done and working.  There’s nothing I want more than my surgery, my hormones and a great wardrobe.  (A loving family and a caring significant other wouldn’t hurt either… LOL)

I want to do something special with what I have left of my life.  I want everyone who’s helped me along my journey to get the recognition they so deserve.  I want all of the women and men that have helped me along the way, to realize who I am and what my next steps are in my journey, to get just a couple words of grace and praise that I can’t express, that my heart yearns for them to have.

I can’t believe it’s already 2013!  When I was 8, I told my friends in Oshkosh, WI that I was not going to be attending North High or South High.  I just KNEW.  Three years later, I was shipped off to my mother, unbeknownst to my father, taken care of by my evil step-mother, and it was over 4 days later when he found out I was in Illinois.  She never told him that she shipped me off.  I will say this:  It was the BEST DAMN THING SHE’S EVER DONE FOR ME!  I learned my mother had cancer (single mastectomy back in the mid-70s) and fought with everything she had.  She died of bone cancer at the age of 50, I was 17, on September 18, 1988.  “The Mouse that Roared” was at the Little Theater at RIHS; I sat and watched, and felt my mother pass away at 9:19PM.  I made a mental note of it and ran the 2 1/2 miles home, in the snow, downhill for about 1/4 of it.  I never let up, ran past cars as if they were standing still, and nearly took the door off it’s hinges when I hit the front door!

My mother was the best thing that happened to me (except for my hidden high school lover– another story).  She was my confidant, my friend, my disciplinarian, my everything.  Even a kind ear and a shoulder to cry on.  I loved her as a son loves his mother, but she was so much more than that.  It’s like a small child ripping open a brand new toy, only to play unhindered with the empty box!  For me, my mother was like that empty box– oh so much more than just a box– she was my imagination, my inspiration!

I met a few people in my life that helps to transfix my love of music with the memories I have.  The Ketterings (back then) were a great family.  I loved Jame’ and Debbie and their two children, Taren and James (they called him Cricket).  Their adopted son, Doug Pierson and I hit it off well, and we became instant friend.  I had a crush on Debbie for the longest time, but I knew nothing would become of it.  I was about a year older than Doug, but it was all cool.  Doug’s parents were deaf and the sign language my friend Clayton Bowman taught me had sunk in some; Doug could hear and we’d screw around with each other by making our own signs…  It was kind of fun.  We also played the crap out of the role-playing games we had access to:  AD&D, TMNT, Star Frontiers, Paranoia and a few others.

Jame’ had more Native American in him than I had in me; it showed in his Totem Animal readings and his love of nature.  Debbie had a good chunk of Native American, too.  There are some songs that would fit these memories, but nothing seems to come.  We all had our moments, but we were bound by our heritages to be one with each other, and with the land.  We did, and we were.  When I left, I felt saddened, but I didn’t go far; just a few blocks away.  I would see Jame’ or Debbie in passing, but I stayed away.  I was afraid I’d say something that would make the immediate situation unbearable…

My first female love, Fawn, I met in Davenport, IA when I was only a couple months into my 20th year.  We were inseparable for about 6 days.  She gave me a letter about how she wanted to be with me for the rest of her life.  I didn’t know how to take it; this was my first intimate sexual encounter with a woman (six days ago) and she felt like this?  I didn’t know what to say.  I didn’t know what to do!  As soon as I gathered up my courage, she tells me that she no longer wants me, she wants my friend Jesse’s younger brother, Jeremy, who’s 17.  Fawn’s 24.  I’m 20.  Her twin sister, Dawn’s also 24.  Erik’s 25.  Jesse’s 25.  I’m devastated!  I run to a corner of the apartment and cry my eyes out.

The following day, I’m still reeling from the heartbreak.  I write this epic poem about how two people pledge to live the rest of their days together, regardless how the world feels.  It’s my first science fiction poem and it’s literarily poignant.  I means the world to me that she keep the poem, should she want to get back with me, it’s an open invitation.  I end up moving to Clinton, IA with Jesse as winter sets in and make my home there.  I meet some great friends and mentors, making my way into the workforce and making a name for myself along the way.  One year later, just before I move in with one of my friends, Erik and Fawn are looking for me around where I live.  (I live above a pool hall/pub that’s run by a good friend and a great guy and his wife.)  They leave me a note and a phone number.  I call the number and ask for Erik.  It’s my buddy Erik from Davenport, IA!  Fawn and Dawn are there too!  I talk to Fawn and tell her I have to prepare some things before I can go.  That night at work, I tell them I want to transfer to Texas, but they’ll have more information that following Monday.  I took that weekend off, met them at my place, and packed for the weekend.

Fawn and I got back into the groove, I began to serenade her with some Seal, Jesus Jones and Billy Joel, just like I did when we were together a year ago.  She showed me the poem I had written.  I looked at her and held her close.  I told her I couldn’t marry her.  My reasons still involved her being married and estranged from her husband; she never got the divorce.  “I wasn’t ready to get married” was another reason.  We argued a gentle back and forth, citing questions and answering them carefully and honestly.  I loved her and that’s all that mattered to me; for Fawn, she knew she had lost that one ‘man’ who made her feel truly worthy of her body, her mind, her soul.  I wanted her to realize how she had broken me.  I wanted her to know I was a human being, with feelings and a broken heart…  The broken feelings came flooding back; I couldn’t stop crying, I wanted to go back in time and tell her exactly how I felt; marrying her right then!  She was still estranged from her husband back then, too.  I wanted her to me my wife in the worst way, and I didn’t know how to handle rejection again, but she didn’t reject me– I rejected her– but it wasn’t that I was trying to be cruel about it; that was far from what I wanted to do.  We remained intimate for the entire weekend, being close and talking, looking into each others’ eyes, holding each other in embraces that seemed to last hours, listening to the radio (and crying when those songs came on that I remembered singing to her).  She knew…

I saved myself for her over that year; I was celibate.  Once we parted company back in Clinton, IA, I told my friends after work that Monday that I was staying.  I forgot to tell work to stop the transfer; I lost my job.  My buddy Dave allowed me to move in, as security for his apartment, and that I could come and go.  All he wanted was assurances that I would adhere to his rules.  I told him as long as the rules aren’t crazy or unenforceable, I was in.  It was here that I started leaning and learning that I was different.  Not real sure what was going on, but women’s clothing was starting to enter into my wardrobe, bit by bit.

Let’s cut to now.  Most of the time I see myself as the same person I was, just in a different package, wrapped up in a lovely ensemble.  I want to make the inner me and the outer me match and sync.  It’s one of the hardest things I can do right now.  Listening to certain groups and entertainers helps me to cope in times of trouble, depression and angst.  My friends love me and help me with various things, but overall, it’s all on me to make sure I eat right, take my meds and dress the way I feel!  I love deeply, and will always do so.

Some of the best music I have ever listened to has been Depeche Mode, Evanescence and Amy Lee, Creed, Metallica, Weird Al (yes, Weird Al!), No Doubt and Gwen Stefani, Simply Red, Ray Parker Jr., Hootie & the Blowfish, Darius Rucker, Hoobastank, Eric Clapton, Led Zeppelin, Aqua, Puddle of Mudd, Nickelback, Sting and The Police, They Might Be Giants, Bowling for Soup, Abba and a handful of others.  Much of this music reflects the anger and angst that I held for so long, scrabbling and defying the world!  While other artists and bands helped to shape my look and demeanor for years, helping me to finally feel again!  Love, being the only universal concept, besides war, that humanity seems to be able to possess in seemingly equal quantities, gouges and rends flesh from my soul, stripping away all that is superficial and draining away the unnecessary parts to reveal whatever remains:  that place where love resides.  Hatred and strife can be conquered with music; songs can uplift your soul to heights that could never be achieved by conversation~!  Give a listen to Creed “My Sacrifice” or Evanescence “Sweet Sacrifice”; you’ll know what I mean when you take the time to really understand and listen to the meaning behind the lyrics.

Music is a universal reasoning system of mathematically-melodic frequencies.  Once you realize that, you can accomplish great and wonderful things.  Why do you think Gospel music is still so popular?  It’s the message behind the music!  With the right message, the music practically writes itself.  Certain harmonies and chords are struck at the right times to make the message more or less important, more or less dramatic, more or less loving or angry or factual or fanciful– whatever you feel– it can be something that’s needed, or needed in your own life~!

This new year is something that’s going to be bountiful.  A year full of choices, full of truly amazing things for you to discover, realize and put to good use.  We’re all struggling to figure out what’s all happening all at once.  Watch the skies:  there’s some stuff out there that’s going to startle and amaze you!  Listen to your heart:  there’s some stuff around you, near you, just within your grasp that you’re going to rediscover, and it’s going to change your life!  Take a little time to relax, curl up with an LP, a 45 or that favorite mix tape that you’ve had for oh so long, and take a really good listen– it’s going to reveal something that you’ve either never heard before or that you’ve long forgotten– and it’s going to make you realize there’s truly something missing in your life.  Music is what we can all get into.  It doesn’t matter where we’re from or who we are; all that matters is that we can make music, listen to music, whistle, hum or sing– it all comes from deep within– it all comes from someone’s soul, to your ears, and deep inside, resonating with our lives and helping us to learn who we really and truly are.

I’m going to leave this here.  For everyone has their own meaning for the music in their lives.  Let’s live this new year as if we, as individuals with an opinion and a conscience, believe in the everlasting touch of music.

Music can, and will, conquer all~!

Inappropriate Pictures on Facebook

One of my Facebook friends, who is an adult porn star overseas, shared a photo from one of her Facebook friends.  It shows a man snogging one woman’s voluptuous breast while the other is pointing right at the camera, unclothed.  There’s nothing covering her nipple and areola.

I am sorry but I had to report this picture and the person who posted it to one of his albums.  I went through the proper Facebook channels and left the basic reply about it:  “Hey [Facebook guy], there’s something about this photo that bothers me.  Would you please take it down?  Thanks.”  The woman just seemed nonplussed by the whole thing and allowed the picture to be taken– that’s another reason for the Facebook report.

I got this response:  “It’s ok baby”!  WTF?!  I don’t know this guy!  I wouldn’t be able to tell him from any other pre-teen juvenile pervert (should he be one).  I responded as follows…

——
Please, don’t call me baby. I don’t know you and that’s just being rude. I would rather not see this kind of thing on Facebook. There’s enough of that that I see behind closed doors and in the private moments with my GF, so I do not care to see such pictures. I reported you to Facebook to have it removed, and should you not comply, Facebook reserves the right to ban and/or delete your account. Your friend [name removed to protect her identity] ‘shared’ that one photo. It is quite distasteful and, regardless of the look on the woman’s face, inappropriate.

I hope you would consider the outcome of children seeing a photo like this ‘accidentally’ shared to them, through someone their parents know and have ‘friended’ through them. It is people like you who seem to just be irresponsible about their actions, and posting and sharing stuff on Facebook, and through proxy, the internet, that none of this stuff ever can be deleted or properly removed because it’s archived somewhere… Please be responsible for your actions. Think before you post.
——

I am tired of witnessing the criminal idiots and the stupidity of so-called intelligent people.  You may have a PhD in whatever Astrophysics or Rocket Science, ad nauseam, and still, to the dismay of your colleagues sexting or posting inappropriate photos of your body parts, to those same colleagues, family friends, or in the worst case, to the children of those colleagues and/or family friends.  You are one sick person.

I cannot stand idly by and witness another person, probably using Mom and/or Dad’s credit cards, to purchase time at the millions of pornographic websites, to get their jollies off and wipe up with a few Kleenex-brand facial tissues!  Then Mom figures it’s dad who is doing these things, all the while Little O’Boyo (or L’il O’Lassy) laughs it off in secrecy in his (her) bedroom doing it all over and over again!  More often, it’s the young boy who’s personal experimentation is brought into question as are his motives for doing it.

Mom finds her little boy’s magazine stash cleaning up his room (that he should be doing on his own) and throws them away after perusing their contents.  She thinks nothing of it until she gets a call from school where he exposed himself before a group of girls in the girl’s lav or he forced himself on one of his female classmates…

This is just a worst case scenario.  When I was in school, I found out what it was to ‘pleasure’ myself.  No one called me a pervert or worse…  No one really knew.  Once I started hanging out with certain people that I considered ‘cool’, I got up the nerve to have relations with my male friends and friendships with my female friends…  I realized then that I was different…

I don’t want anyone to think I don’t know what I’m talking about.  In this day and age of internet awareness, even an IM somewhere (Yahoo! Messenger, AOL Instant Messenger, Skype to name a few) can be stored for future recall and used in a court of law to prosecute these people.

Needless to say, he responded to my little warning with “Motherf***”.  I replied in kind:  “Where do you get off calling me that?  I don’t know you.  I’m just trying to figure you out and where you’re intelligence has gone.”  Have we, as a global community, fallen so short of morals that we will call our elders these kinds of names?

He replied “Sorry.”  I responded:  “What were you thinking posting a picture like that?  That no one would see it…  Just a few friends?  Remember, if you post something and share it with friends (even a picture like that), it can be shared to others who may not share your view of it– I like the female form, in all of it’s nude glory, as an ‘art piece’– but that picture was not artful in any way, IMHO.”

I’m not trying to be a bitch here.  I’m trying to help him see that we’re all human and that not everyone will view ‘his take on art’ as ‘an honest view of art’ but as porn.  If she had covered her other breast up with her free hand, then I could classify it as a little more art and less porn, but that’s not what the picture showed…  If that was this guy in the picture, it could have been his ‘first time’ and this was the aftermath… LOL  I don’t know.  I wasn’t there.  I didn’t take the picture.  The woman could have been a family friend of his, a prostitute; anyone.  Again, I don’t know.

I think he’s talking to our mutual adult movie star friend, telling her about my ‘tirade’, or worst case, copy/pasting it to her to read.  If that’s the case, she may have the same view I have– inappropriate– and she’s apologizing to him for sharing it on her timeline.  If she does not and has posted stuff on my wall/timeline, then I may just remover her from my friends list.  It all really depends on what she’s thinking…

Knowing that there’s always a conversation somewhere and that there’s many different sides to an arguement can lead to different views and assertions.  I hope I have gotten through to him tonight and that he is a little more aware to whom he sends porn-related pictures to in the future– not on Facebook anymore– and does it through e-mail or Skype… LOL

Hugs and Kisses,
~Robynn