A Plea for Help and Assistance

I have been struggling with my transition and these last two weeks have been outstanding. I finally found a primary physician who is willing to assist me in my transition and my other medical ailments, and a counselor who, though not fully up to speed with the medical needs of LGBT patients, is willing to do his own research to assist me in my endeavors.

I am looking forward to meeting with my endocrinologist around the 31st of July, as I have to reschedule the appointment due to another family member getting a surgery out of state that day. I have to babysit those three days (30, 31 July and 1 Aug). Not getting paid for it, either.

My plea comes from the heart. I am unemployed and have been for since the beginning of June. The job I had was not paying me every week I was working, just alternate weeks and had taken money out of my last check to pay a friend who worked there. (Took it out without my permission.) Also, he let me go because I informed the business owner, the office manager and my supervisor that I was not gay (as they had suspected, since I applied a a guy at my friend’s insistence) and that I was a woman and identified myself as female.

I put my plea on Facebook a few days ago at the behest of a close friend of mine from Iowa. I had four people offer me assistance, but of those 4, only one could offer some kind of funds. My friend in Iowa is in the process of sending me $18. It’s a start, but it’s not the whole amount. My first visit with my endocrinologist is going to be $355, not to mention medicine and hormones.

I asked one of my nieces, one who’s closer to me in age than any of my other nieces, to see if she could assist me in this. Here’s my plea:
– – – – –
i know it’s been a while. i love you no matter what. hope all’s good for you and yours.
i posted about having issues with my endocrinologist on the 31st and they want $355 for my first visit! ouch@
i’m asking for a small bit, not all of it. i had to plead my case and ask. i have had 3 replies (one was an offer of $18) the rest were b/c they were in the middle of their own crises.
could you help?
– – – – –

This is her response:
– – – – –
I have 3 children to take care of. ur kidding right? i havent seen or heard from u in how long? just seens rude to me that u rnt doin this for yourself. its ur journey, no one else’s! ask them, the ones ur living w or, another idea, get a job or seek assistance from the state for medical. i cant help u n wont. sorry. my kids need all we have, so do our bills.
– – – – –
[Inserted punctuation. – RobynnP]

So I retorted with:
– – – – –
i have been looking for work since i got to mississippi and had one, until i informed my bosses of my transition and what my goals were. i got fired over it. still cannot find work. anton and shaun don’t have the extra cash to spare; anton’s struggling for hours @ walmart. i have a hearing for SSD sometime in the next 20 months AND all i can get here is food stamps. everything else i have to pay for out of pocket– there’s no agencies or free clinics anywhere in mississippi– i’m running out of things to sell and i’m going to be starting with body parts soon. so why not cut me a little slack. i was only asking to see if you could spare a small amount (like $5.00 or so); not the entire frakking bill! i know it’s a struggle for everyone in this shit economy. i’ve had 17 interviews since getting fired at the beginning of june; no one wants to hire me. NO ONE! trying to get online work, that’s tough too. all i have is my games company and i’ve been struggling with that for almost 5 years (longer if you consider my loosely starting it back in 1995), and my computer repair/virus removal services. that’s hard to get work, tho i have business cards, and have put them out; no one wants to hire someone that has a long-distance number, even if i have the word LOCAL on the cards! you seem to think that i’m not trying. you seem to think that i’m taking this out on you; i am not. that’s not what i am seeking nor is that of any intent or goal. i am doing whatever i can to get this taken care of and with your attitude and sarcasm, i’d rather sell my soul to the devil and tell all of my family to *^@# off. you hurt me to the core by assuming i’m not helping myself. you can stick your sarcasm elsewhere. i will never ask you for anything again.
– – – – –
[Edited for names and cursing –RobynnP]

I am understandably upset. Moreso, I feel very depressed when someone whom I love dearly kicks me when I’m down like this. I feel so self-conscious and less than human when people whom I trust and seemed to be allies decide that I’m no longer worth their time and love.

What can I do? I’d sell a kidney for $25,000 if I knew it would be a legitimate practice and it was going to help some needy child live longer. I’d even donate my ‘male parts’ (that would be discarded during my Gender Affirmation Surgery) to a transgender FtM so he can be and feel whole. (I know someone who would benefit greatly from it, my brother-in-arms, Toren. Just wondering if he’d be willing… Just wondering…)

I don’t want to go to extremes, here, but I need help with this. If I had an opportunity to do some graphic design work for an advertising agency or a graphic design company to design banners, logos and other such things. I just don’t know where to turn.

I have contacted The Ellen Degeneres Show on several occasions only to get no response. My latest was just yesterday (24 July). I was trying to explain about myself and what I’m struggling with and what has happened with me since last October (October 2012), but it’s a little hard with a rough 2000 characters. I would love to have some kind of exposure and some kind of assistance to get me up and running, able to transition, work and make a living to support this, but it seems that I can’t even rub two sticks together to make fire, much less make money with it.

If there was anyone out there with any information that could help me, please drop it to me and/or send it my way. Please, anything would help: information, pre-paid pre-loaded debit card, cashiers’ check or personal check; whatever you may be willing to help me with would be greatly appreciated.

I am looking forward to my surgery, I’d welcome cameras and media coverage if anyone would be interested in that. (I’m looking squarely at you LogoTV!) Please, I’d even sell my story to Lifetime or LogoTV so I can pay my bills and get on the right track.

PLEASE HELP…

My NEW Revelation

For all of my friends and cohorts who know me, know of me and can call me family (you know who you are), I have been struck with a revelation just today! I am not transgender, I am transsexual. I am working to get that stigma understood for my friends and family to really understand, but I think time will be the best healer and leveler of the playing field, so to speak.

I feel strange about this revelation. I feel stupid about it, though. One thought in one direction and multiple in another, and it led me to the Logo TV website. Another couple of hours later and I stumbled upon “TRANSform Me”, a television series that takes three transsexual women and make-over a pleading woman who lacks her own style and fashion sense. It’s a wonderful program. I enjoyed it.

I am looking for some assistance. I live in Mississippi and not too many people here are up-to-speed about the LGBTQ lifestyle, much less our community. It totally sucks about what I am doing in my new job. My roommate, who also used to work for my boss, told me to “dress like a guy to get the job, but work through it a few weeks and gradually change it up.” I couldn’t completely do that; I brought my purse the first day, and dug through it to get my hairbrush and my pens and cellphone. Sorry, I will reveal all, but not too soon. (I wear my man-pants like I would as a woman would, and I like it better that way.) I do wear “t-shirts” but are just pull-over blouses that look like close-fitting t-shirts. It does help me to feel better while working in a mostly female environment.

After coming home sick on Friday with laryngitis, and trying to stay out of the family’s way while I recuperated, I surfed the internet for some stuff and played Eve Online, too. I’m still struggling to stay warm in a warm house; frequent chills are getting me down. (I might have something that I don’t want to go to hospital for; I got out of there for pneumonia in early April, and I don’t think I recovered from it.)

I like my job, don’t get me wrong, but it’s harder than most telemarketing jobs I’ve had. There’s no training course to get through. There’s no hand-holding here. It’s all about the quantity of the calls you make and how to get back into the mix when you’ve gotten a bad call or an answering machine or the customer on the other end forgets who you are and why you’re calling and makes you look like a fool (that part’s recorded).

I now have a purpose and a direction. I need to have my surgery, grab my paperwork and assess what needs to be fixed first, then go from there. The easiest one: my Social Security card. The hardest I think will be my drivers’ license and passport. I can’t wait to get this underway! I need a job to carry on making money to do these things; without one, I cannot even start hormone therapy and counseling. I feel this job is a step backwards and it feels like someone is swatting my hands with a wooden ruler every time I try to make forward strides.

The family I live with love me, the kids don’t want me to move. I can understand that, too. I do love it here. I feel better here than I do at my sisters’ homes; B’s home is smoke-filled because she and my brother-in-law both smoke. C’s home isn’t so bad, but she’ll go into any room with a lit cigarette and then apologize when she’s in the one I’m borrowing. Her husband, T, chews tobacco, and that’s not as bad as second- and third-hand smoke.

I discovered that my closest counseling location is in Gulfport, MS. That’s quite a distance from where I currently reside. I don’t want people to think I’m lazy or disrespectful, but that’s nowhere near Tupelo! I want something closer to me. (If I can have a lawyer assist me with getting Medicare for my diabetes and depression, then I’m one step closer… I think.)

So tired of people giving me the run-around and telling me they can’t help me unless I have some sort of income! That’s monetary discrimination! Everywhere I turn, if I don’t have the money, I can’t get the treatment I need. I have bill collectors already hounding me for money, for a 3 1/2 day hospital stay! It totals to almost $9000! Moved to another state and I’m in debt already– within the first 6 months– is the state of my luck!? I sure hope not.

What can someone like me, in dire straits, do to get the help I need? Should I check myself into a mental health facility, tell them about my suicidal tendencies due to my depression and lack of support system? What options do I have short of getting labeled disturbed or insane? I’m caught between a rock and a hard place and can’t seem to get enough purchase to thrust myself away. Please help me.

Whenever I can, I check my Yahoo!Groups for the latest conversations and pictures. I want to have these kinds of good things happen to me, too, but I cannot where I am living! Florida, in the county where I moved from, I was denied all kinds of care related to my transsexual nature: hormone therapy, individual counseling, AND surgery. Denied them ALL! I was on county healthcare, and they took care of my diabetes supplies and meds, my depression and ‘head shrinking’ meds– all of it!– yes for something as simple as getting prepared for my transition and making way for the new me: FORGET IT! They apparently thought that I didn’t count. I didn’t matter. They had their medical stuff covered, whatever it was; I didn’t because, apparently, I’m just barely human enough to be considered human, to partake in that medical system. I have to purchase medical insurance out of my own pocket, and with my job, I don’t even think I can do that right now…

If I had some way to get the treatment I need, the connection to others like me in a location I can call home, I would be so happy right now! I am so depressed right now, and sick, that I’m thinking about “it” while I’m playing with my tiny multi-tool. I just need someone to hold me close, and tell me “everything’s going to be okay” and really mean it. I’m struggling to keep a fresh face and happy mood. This facade-crap I have to play at work is really getting me down! I think that’s my I’m ill now, too.

Why should I compromise my values and ethics for a boss who has no clue about who I am? I want to tell him. Nowhere on the application did it list GENDER. Nowhere! I am not a man, I am a woman who has needs and wants and goals and feelings.

Please leave your comments. I want your advice and assistance in this. If anyone is interested in hiring me for logo design, font work and other such graphics, please comment below. I want to move in the worst way, have a valid drivers’ license, and want to get out of Mississippi in the worst way!