Enemies over Friends

I have a ‘friend’ who believes she’s still close to me.  She also believes I may have forgotten about the money she owes me for some sleep medication.  Every time I see her on Facebook or on Skype, I say “Hi” or “Hey” and she signs off or shuts off her phone.  She knows she owes me this money and it’s been since after Thanksgiving last year (1012) that she’s kept telling me that she will pay me.  Then the excuses and the monies she received from a death in her family, and more excuses.  I’m not even sure if she’d talk to me on the phone, but I am sick of her avoiding me and hiding herself away from me.  We had been intimate between her former fiancee and her current one; nothing for her current fiancee to worry about.  I loved her like a friend (with benefits) but I knew that would not happen often and I was happy with that.

This is when things started getting pretty weird and our friendship started taking a turn for the worse…  Her current fiancee is a very jealous man.  He, thinking I’m doing this for the attention and the money, seems to be afraid of what I might do with his girlfriend; he still thinks of me a a guy, too, so that’s his loss.

She and I have had our intimate connections from time to time while she was with her ex.  Truthfully, being with her in that way felt so right on so many levels, but having the anatomy I have is what makes this kind of thing exceptionally foreign to me.  We enjoyed each other, but ultimately I knew who I was, though not why.

The tirade that I’m in the process of posting to her, I also want to post to a few friends to let them know my intentions, and how I intend to exact justice, but that I will be striking her from my Facebook account and my Skype contacts.  She has really set me off, and I finally got up the courage to explain how I truly feel about this.

To Lexi:

You ask for stuff in the games we play mutually and I give it freely.  That’s what I do and how I am supposed to treat people (it’s in the Bible).  You still will not pay me back that little bit.  I am struggling to find work here, starting a business with a couple of friends I made while living here, and the family I’m a nanny for loves me and my cooking!

When you dissed me before I left, I thought you’d never want to see me or talk to me for as long as you lived.  That’s exactly how I felt.  I’m sorry for all the crap that I did for you out of the kindness and friendship we shared.  I’m so upset and angry with you and your actions that I’m not sure what to do.

I love you in a way that Stefan will never understand, and with that you should respect me for the discovering who I am and where I’m going with in this journey.  I love who I am now and not even you can stand in the way of my progress!

Lately, you’ve been disrespecting me when I see you’re on Facebook or Skype and I offer a simple “Hi”, you shut me out.  You immediately hop off like I’ve just e-slapped you in the face.  You promised me you’d pay me.  You said with your own mouth and mind.  Stefan was there to hear it too.  Would you like me to tell him about those few times where we were intimate and I helped satisfy you?  If you don’t, I would seriously recommend you pay me.

Understand, if you were in my position, wouldn’t you want me to pay you back?  I did things that were against my moral compass, because my best friend asked me to.  You know I don’t usually do those kinds of things, but I did so you could be happy.  (I just wish it was a different relationship, is all– us I mean and *NOT* you and Stefan.)

We truly had some real heart-to-heart talks in your green Buick.  I loved that car!  What happened to that scared girl from northern Florida?  What happened to the girl who called me when she found out she was pregnant by some guy who took advantage of you, while in the Navy?  I told you then how I felt.  I knew Matthew wouldn’t understand, but he’d just roll over (like all those time you and he got intimate) and I’d be able to stake a claim in your life.  I loved you then.  I still do…

The things between us have changed.  I feel I need to stop hoping for that *never-ending romance*, that *hopeless romance* that I told you about.  The one where we split from our significant others and embrace what we have together.  With my new-found personal discovery and my yearning for a special friend, one who knows me, I hoped we could figure all of that out– it never came– and you shirked me, tossed me to the wayside *AND* complained that I was taking too long bathing because you were going to a movie with Stefan.

What kind of friend would promise their best friend to lend a helping hand and spend time with her when you may never see her again?  Why would you make me feel so insignificant, almost as if I’m lying to you about moving, and taking it upon yourself to not pick up the phone and call me; or even answer when I called!?  Did you not have any intestinal fortitude to stand up to Stefan just this once and make my last night in Gibsonton one that we would both remember?

… … Apparently not.  Apparently you never cared.  Apparently you used me.  You used my writing expertise.  You used my knowledge of sexual intimacy for your own gains.  You used me and used me and used me, but when I needed a little hand (or some money when I sold to you a few personal things), you turn your back on me like a little crying puppy or a child you’re trying to teach to live away from you for a few hours.  Mechele and Paul saw how I was the night before, crying, weeping, hoping you’d come and help and visit.  Mechele called Stefan about you coming over; he told her he didn’t know anything about what you told me and that he didn’t mind you coming over.  You gave a mathematics homework excuse…  Then the following day, you even told me the day before if not then, “tomorrow”.  I called you all day.  From my phone, Paul and Mechele’s phone and did not even answer.  Again making me feel helpless and useless.  Stefan didn’t even want to be disturbed over it.  Around 5:30 you called back and told Mechele that Stefan had a computer issue and Pat was there to help fix it; you HAD to watch the puppies.  You could have put them outside, gotten in your car and came to see me.  You didn’t, then upon getting there, you and Stefan try to rush me out of the bath.  You and Stefan also got read the Riot Act by both Paul and Mechele!  Where the hell were your priorities that night!?  Why the broken promise!?

I guess I only rated as a useable friend.  One whom you could pull the wool over her eyes and lambaste when things didn’t go right for you.  I am supposed to be *YOUR* best friend!  Why have you treated me as less than Human?  Paul and Mechele have allowed me into their home without prejudice, without hate, without a care knowing I would do them no harm.  Both you and Stefan have this preconceived notion that I am doing this for attention or that I’m doing this for monetary gain; if that was true, where’s all my money?  Where’s all my worldly possessions?  Where’s my purple Kia Soul?  Where’s my Xbox slim?  Where’s my 64″ flat panel 120Hz LCD widescreen television?  Where’s my airplane tickets to Spain, Ireland and Japan?

If you give me any more excuses why you have not paid me, then consider this:  you’re through being my friend; you’re not even an acquaintance of mine; not a colleague or a co-worker…  You’re just some dumb twat that I used to know who screwed me over for a measly $90.

The ball is now in your court.  The next move is yours.  Make it count.

This is exactly how I feel.  I want her to understand that she needs to pay back her debt and then things can be happy and proper again.  Just as it was when we first met working at WalMart in Gibsonton– the under-appreciated electronics co-worker and the electronics ‘mastermind’ for fielding customers questions– gathering ourselves and talking in her car for hours after work.  I knew we were both looking for similar things in life; I told her I’d never hurt her.  Now, this whole thing is hurting me more than I care to express…

I care for her and care about her.  Her SO thinks highly of her, but barely shows it.  He’d rather spend time off work relaxing playing games than relaxing and being close and intimate with her.  That’s what she’s missing in her life; an intimate connection.  Now that I’m no longer there, she’s got to deal with it on her own…

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For the Ubiquitous Ugliness that Belies the Incorrigible

I think there’s a time and a place for everything.  It is the best thing that can become whatever we feel is necessary in our lives, the most important of all things, that of working through friendships and relationships, and taking it all in to deduce what’s right and just to make the best of things.  If I’m wrong, tell me.  If not, then allow me to continue…

I have been in this situation since last September (2012) and have been working to a culmination of various things, hoping that my decision is true and just for what I believe to be the crowning factor in what’s been a lie for over 20 years!  Nothing I have done or said to anyone has really been to hurt them, but to enlighten them to the fact that I’m pursuing a drastic change of lifestyle and demeanor. I never wanted those I considered my friends and family to turn their backs on me, snub me like a murder convict or as the “Scum of the Earth”, but that’s what happened when I told my former landlord, my former fiancee and a few (whom I considered) of my closest friends.  I felt like just abandoning life, running for the closest place I could to get away from everyone, and take my own life. …

I refused!  I told them, in my own way that I am just a human being.  I feel just like YOU!  I hurt just like YOU!  I bleed just like YOU!  I want my human rights just like YOUYOU’RE giving me nothing but anguish, hating me for my views and telling me off like I’m some kind of circus or sideshow freak!  I’m sorry that I’m not Lobster Boy or the Bearded Lady!  (ALL of these sideshow “freaks” were HUMAN, TOO, with FEELINGS and FAMILIES!  It was NOT their fault that YOU exploited them for YOUR sick and twisted amusement!)

Where have I gone wrong?  What have I done to deserve this kind of treatment?  I keep asking the same damn questions and I keep coming up with the same conclusions:  not a damn thing!  I know I’m just having problems with certain people and that they happen to get their facts tangled, then blame me for their misdirection.  It makes me feel like they’re trying to sabotage any relationship (friendship or business relationship) what we may have.  I struggle every day with acceptance and understanding for my acclimation and transition, but when that challenge is itself challenged, I tend to be defensive and unwilling to listen to anything these other people say– nothing– and I usually tune them out (or hang up on them, whichever is more convenient).

It kills me that there’s a bunch of ignorant and belligerent people who believe society is the way everything should be.  It also bothers me that there’s too many people who also think we have a binary gender system.  Not anymore!  All forms should have a list of choices for a person’s Gender:  Male, Female and Other!  This way, you don’t have to put yourself into the general binary gender system.  Why are there so many who fear us?  I’ve not done anything to anyone calling themselves Male or Female, nor have I caused them any harm.  I don’t really care what you call yourself, but I am a woman and I am that way because it’s not about the sum of my parts, but how I perceive and identify myself.  You no longer have control and I believe that’s what frightens you:  your society keeps telling you you’re doing the right thing, when obviously you’re not!

But how does my gender identity frighten you, when it’s not about you and how you feel?  “I think, therefore I am,” is a quote from some historical great thinker.  It makes some sense, but it belies a much deeper meaning than just those five words.  “I exist because I think.” … “I exist because I can think.” … “I exist because I choose to think.”  The fact that individuals can understand being is knowing and that knowledge is power should take to the streets and assist us in our personal struggles, where I believe that’s the stuff the flock is looking out for that makes them afraid of those who are like me, my brothers- and sisters-in-arms, and our supporters.  Why should they be afraid of us?  Sweden and the UK, even Ireland and Russia, Thailand, Japan, China and Canada all have transgendered and intersexed citizens, why can’t we?  Why do we not rate among the World Society?  As US citizens and many of us hold professional positions, vote, and pay taxes, why can’t we get the care, the medications and the services we need to help us become whole?

Fear.  That’s all it is…  Simple fear.  The politicians are scrambling to quell the onslaught of our LGBTQ community, though a healthy smattering, 30 to 35%, cross-dress or are closet homosexuals.  Another 2 to 5% are hiding their transgender status.  Yet another 1 to 3% are stating one gender when they are truly intersexed.  It all comes down to societal fear, and the yearning to be a generic normal.  Newsflash:  there is no generic or societal normal anymore!  I am a single member of this great nation, the US of A, and I am a single member of the LGBTQ community, through no fault of my own, and I am proud to be who I am and not the sum of my parts!

Knowledge is Power.  This has been blasted into me since I was old enough to read, write and comprehend!  I know many of us are Christian in some fashion, and that some of us are of other religious systems, but what bothers me most:  I see many of you harboring a deep-seated resentment or hatred for your fellows in religion.  Don’t call this a Holy War!  God made His flock in His image to help us to mend what we’ve broken, love unconditionally, and to never hate and envy our neighbors!  If you’re not religious, then it’s all to perpetuate love and kindness to all!  Karma can be well-deserved in any form it chooses, Good or Bad, benefiting or hurting whomever had made their choice.  I consider myself Wiccan and Christian, as both are symbolic of a Greater Love and Affinity for Life!  I would hope you, as fear-seekers, would just stop being prejudicial against what you don’t understand, open your minds and hearts to what we’re trying to explain, and allow our message to help guide you to be more understanding to what we are asking, as a whole, ending the violence and anti-LGBTQ policies and bills that you are trying to pass into law.  Allow us our freedoms and we will show you just how much like you we truly are!

Consider this.  I blog when I have been unjustly blasted, either verbally or physically, by someone I thought I could trust.  I cannot stand idly by and let people do this to me, nor can I delve into the possibilities that would compromise our collective safety, but I will notify and work out the pain, hurt and transgressions I feel, openly and with those of you who can honestly say “Hey, I know You!  I’ve been there. … How can I help?”  I am working through an exceptionally tough time right now and I want anyone who reads my blogs to, at least, have some kind of awareness that I am in need of assistance.  Nothing is needed more than to get “my transition on”.  I have few options, minimal funds and a loving wonderful family (family, friends and associates whom I consider my extended family) who are struggling as we all are in this horrendous economy.

I am looking toward alternatives for getting what I need for my transition, but I am seriously struggling in every aspect:  naysayers, non-believers and the prejudiced.  I put them out of my mind and take matters into my own hands (non-violently, of course).  I need more than just assistance:  I need more caring and loving friends, colleagues and acquaintances.  We all do.  My brothers- and sisters-in-arms do as well, and there’s almost no help for us medically…  Why?  Politicians and hateful/prejudicial Christian fear-mongering.  That’s all it is.  If someone at work is part of our LGBTQ community, then pull her aside, say something kind to her, and rally behind her when she needs it most.  Take up your pens and write to your state representatives to start more LGBTQ initiatives; help us get he medical treatment we need, the health assistance we have the right to, and bolster us when we fall.

I just want all of us to be happy and healthy.  Why can’t we?