What the Hell is Wrong with Family?!

I was in the hospital for 4 days suffering from pneumonia and an extreme pain in my lower abdomen, testicles and scrotum.  Apparently that was attributed to an overdose of antihistamines and a flash of diabetic neuropathy.  I may now be allergic to antihistamines and I’m not liking that assessment…  I did manage to feel better and get through the toughest part of the pneumonia, antibiotics working to help me kick the infection.  I was given a prescription and sent on my way…  I didn’t want to leave; there were a couple nurses and orderlies (they’re not called that anymore O.o) that I wanted to ask out, but I only got to ask one and she turned me down. (sad face)

Needless to say I had a treat when my niece and sister I hadn’t seen in nearly 24 years shows up at the hospital and wants to see me get better (T).  My other two sisters were there (C and B), and we hadn’t been together since our mother was alive.  This was a treat…

A family friend of B’s had a heart attack and was admitted to the same hospital and she went to see him.  C and my niece (J) went for a cigarette and to check on the puppies in the car J and T had driven in from Georgia.  Mike was with T and she pulled him aside, out in the hallway after meeting me for about 10 minutes, and asked him, without my permission, if I could stay with him to help him with his twins and look after him.  How rude!  I didn’t know this man and she’s forcing him on me like some kind of deranged pimp or something.  I told Mike that I appreciated the offer and that I would have to think about it.  He agreed.

When C came up, she brought me some clean clothes.  She told me that I had undies in those clothes; I didn’t look well enough to find them and thought she didn’t.  I told her I didn’t find them.  (This was just before she and J left for a smoke.)  T and Mike left to smoke and J came back up; C had to make a couple of phone calls and stayed downstairs.  When J, T and Mike came back, I was served my lunch.  It looked just awful, and it nearly smelled the same way.  T offered to go get some lunch for the 4 of us and I wrote my order down for Subway.   I also wrote down J’s order and Mike and T left for lunch retrieval.

I told J that I did not have clean undies and she called her mom, T, and tells her about it.  She goes to Walmart and searches for some, HJMS and while T’s searching she’s still talking to J on the phone (size, colors, and other such things).  Sometimes T can’t find certain things when they’re right before her eyes; typical T.  She asks about FoTL, asks the size again and picks up a three pack.  Little did I know B was coming back to the room.  She was peckish and wanted some lunch too.  J called T to stop by McDonald’s to pick up a Big Mac and a Dr Pepper.  She agrees.

J and I talked about her mom with B offering her bits about T’s overbearing nature.  I told T several times in phone conversations that “… [she] needs a good woman in her life.”  She kept thinking I was talking about her turning lesbian and following that path.  I was talking about her finding a good woman for a friend and someone to confide in, other than her daughter J who she considers more of a friend than her own daughter.  I also tried to explain to J that T’s been trying to usurp her control over J’s household at home, and J informs me that when T tries, J leaves the house to cool off, and to let T realize what she’s did to run J off.  (We’ve had several conversations about T and it always ends up with J leaving the house and T staying there.)

T’s plan is for Mike and his twins to move to Georgia, to be with her, in J’s house.  J has a lot of room, but is not ready to have children in her home, much less a stranger’s.  We have had conversations about other things, and this one stuck in J’s craw.  Her hubby, Anton, is in Iraq, trying to help rebuild some infrastructure that was lost over the war.  Anton known of T’s tirades and bullying.  Too bad Anton can’t reach out to J and find out about the conditions of the household.

As I was getting ready to check out of the Health Hotel, I asked one of the orderlies (Natalie) if she was seeing anyone.  She told me she was.  I gave her my number.  She accepted it.  I was so happy.  C helped me out with B’s netbook and my other belongings.  (I borrowed it on my trip to C’s to stay for a while while we tried to get me into the TVRHA in Tupelo.)  I had a feeling they were going to keep me for a few days; too bad I didn’t have the forethought to grab clothing too.

C and I got to Walmart and I turned in my prescription.  We had a little shopping to do and we covered most of the store.  I was in a powered cart because it still hurt to walk (lower abdomen, etc.), and she had a regular shopping cart.  We parted for a little bit while I went back to the pharmacy to see if my prescription was filled.  C went into the next aisle to field a call from T.  C told me that I had talked to P&M about staying at their place; we were just talking, nothing set in stone yet.  C also told her about her calling a few days previous; T told her that she had just checked her phone and it was in her purse.

Misconstrued information and about two hours later, I’m talking to P on Skype and we’re having a great conversation.  A good back and forth about the possibilities of my staying with her and M and her 8 kids.  I thought that would be wonderful.  So did she.  T calls and asks to speak to me, she thought that C told her I was moving into P&M’s home and that C had dropped me off there.  T was on speakerphone and I was on Skype with P.  P told T twice about my being on Skype and not at her home; T didn’t want to hear it!  She started yelling at P about lying that I was there.  P hung up on her.

P and I started back again.  I left my mic near my cell, on speakerphone, so P could hear my conversation with T.  She told me about some crap that C had lied to her about my being over at P&M’s; T also said she talked to Mike.  Mike had called P and it had nothing to do with T and her crap with me and C, in the interim.  I told T that it was ultimately my decision and that P and I were still talking about it.

T started yelling at me again.  In the hospital, when she yelled, I lost my respect for her.  What the Hell?!  This time I wasn’t taking it.  I called J back on the home phone to just talk to her, and the conversation started pretty normal.  I kept the mic situation the same way as before.  I never knew T was so paranoid that she had picked up the extension and listened in on our conversation.  I told J that her mother was a bully.  That’s when all Hell broke loose!  T started yelling and told me I was an idiot for thinking that.  That’s when I hung up.  P thought I fainted away and asked if I was okay.  I said I wasy.

Talking to P, I told her that T needs to seek professional help.  Our conversation went back to something else, I don’t really remember what it was about.  Tina calls back and apologizes about her tirade, crying crocodile tears, and trying to get me to accept her apology and to forgive her negativity.  All I replied was “Uh huh.” for all of her questions.  I was typing to P and she was listening.  As soon as the conversation began to turn, T immediately stopped her faux sadness and began to get fixated on some stuff about C and about B, and I told her they had nothing to do with my decision and where I’m going to stay.  Then T starts to accuse me of withholding information from her.  Yes, I didn’t want her to know I was staying in Tupelo with B.  Yes, I didn’t tell her I moved from Florida to Mississippi.  She never told me that she moved from Mississippi to Georgia for almost 4 months.  I found out looking at her Skype profile!  I asked her about looking at my Skype profile.  Her response:  “I never looked at it.  I don’t have to.”  Then more about how she’s been trying to get this done, get that done, and wanting Mike and I to travel to Georgia and visit over the summer.

I told her that I wouldn’t right now because I’m not comfortable with the way she forced me on him at the hospital the day before.  She started yelling at me again.  I hung up.

P and I parted ways on Skype and I went to bed.  P was amazed that T would not let stuff go…  She did live with T for a few months, too.  She and M knew!

Here’s something that I wrote today to J on Facebook about how I have perceived T, her mom, and that I’m no longer considering anything she says nor am I allowing her to interfere with my life and my future.

—Facebook Tirade Starts—

Yesterday
J:  Hey I’m sorry about earlier I didn’t know my mother was on the phone

Today
7:05pm
Me:  that’s fine. i explained how i felt, imho, to you in the texts i sent this morning.

i love you. i always will. you’re mom needs to stay out of my life for what she’s trying to do. she needs to stop trying to be “the good Christian” and learn to be a loving caring meaningful person who is not always on the defensive

7:11pm
Me:  T needs to understand that her ways are driving the people she ‘supposedly’ loves the most out of her life. judgement will come, but not from me, from God, and when she realizes that’s all she’s doing is judging people, and running roughshod over them for ‘apparently’ not listening to her side, then she is welcome back. until she seeks professional care, enters some kind of psychiatric ward to accept her real problems of “delusion”, “hysteria”, “paranoia”, and “lack of self control”, then i want nothing more to do with her.

7:13pm
Me:  as far as the reunion, off. if i feel we can have one, it’s not at your house. sorry, T’s got too much influence in your life. your husband needs to be a part of your life more (not saying he’s a bad man for being away and making a living), i’m just saying that it’s T that needs to vacate your house instead of you when she’s rampaging. she’s so quick to temper, quick to judge, and she’s always thinking that someone’s trying to pick on her, screw her over and mess with her head that she can’t see the forest for the trees. T’s a mess, and she needs assistance getting cleaned up.

7:16pm
Me:  i’m sorry, but that’s how i feel. that’s my opinion. if T thinks she can keep on keeping on the track she feels is most Christian, then <kiss> beautiful. if she comes to the realization that there’s a problem in her burning bridges of those who care about her the most, then she can find a short pier and take a long walk. i need not her kind of sisterly love and her flavor of Christianity in my life.

7:17pm
Me:  when i find someone i truly care about, a girlfriend or significant other who wants to spend the rest of her life with me, and T’s still like this, she’s not going to be welcome in my home.

C’s already told me that T’s no longer welcome in her home. C’s also fed up with T’s lies and untruths, as i am.

i’d call, but i’m afraid T’s going to jump on the phone, like last night, and try to call me into her rage and disappointment. sorry T, never going to happen again. you fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me! that’s where I am, J.

7:21pm
Me:  if you feel offended with what i’ve said about your mom, i was not trying to offend you in the least. i just wanted to say how i felt and wanted to vent; T, right now, is a bad influence in your life. she wants “what’s best for you” but had a twisted way of showing it– you do something that’s not ‘right’ in her eyes and instead of asking and showing what was wrong– she barks orders, screams and yells and tells you right where you need to go <straight to Hell>.

7:24pm
Me:  T needs to take some of her own advice and find herself a nice well-woven hand-basket, the biggest box of Life cereal she can find, and realize you, me, C and B are trying to give her the benefit of the doubt, but all T sees is a bunch of her siblings as talking heads, spouting off devilish things. we dislike her actions. we dislike what she says about us. we still love the person. wherever T is, we want that T back.

if you feel you need to call me, do so away from your house.

i love you

—Facebook Tirade Ends—

It’s not that I hate my sister.  Quite the opposite.  We find in our everyday lives joys, happiness, fun, turmoil and drama.  I prefer the drama I can turn off with a remote (or with a switch).  T seems to think she’s still in her 20s and had to bully her way back into our lives.  She used to be a kinder, gentler soul, but all the crap she’s been through, and the stuff she personally witnessed (or claims to) has twisted her mind.  We all suffer from some kind of mental states; me with my transgender realization; C with her becoming introverted when she needs to say something; B with her no nonsense attitude and truthful nature, telling someone how it is and how it affects her and the people around  her.

T is going to go off on the wrong people and find herself in a world of trouble.  I love her dearly, don’t get me wrong, but what the Hell is going on with her?  I’d love to drop some recordings of her craziness, but I wont to protect the privacy of those I deal with on a regular basis.  She needs to come to the realization that what she’s doing is wrong and seek help.  If not, help will be sought for her.  I can even do it from here, but J needs to do it from her home.  T needs some tough love and a Divine Intervention…

And I sincerely hope it comes soon.

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Whence Gays Can Marry, The Apocalypse Cometh

I have a pretty active Facebook page, full of various likes, friends and a few games that I play to pass my time, but clicking on a link that George Takei had posted threw me for a loop, but once I realized it was just a comedic bit, it helped to soften the blow that I thought was going to be more Gay Bashing and Homosexual Hatred.  I was surprised.  Here’s the link so you too can watch:  The Ultimate Anti-Gay Marriage Ad.

I know I’m not here to tell people off, but this is what many so-called Christians think is going to happen…  The heavens are going to rain down fire and brimstone and destroy civilization as we know it.  It not going to happen.  Gay marriage is legal in Britain.  Gay marriage is legal in Sweden.  Gay marriage is legal in much of the United States…  Has there been an apocalypse?  Are we doomed in the eyes of the Lord?

Personally, I think not.  No one has the right to force his or her beliefs upon another person.  No one has the right to enact laws to force people to believe in an idea that is morally obtuse or socially irresponsible.  The refusal of Civil Unions or Gay Marriage is one of those ideas that help us stand for what is truly an equal footing.  There are homosexuals in the military who fight for the freedoms straight people have, but when it comes to those of us who love our life-partners and want to spend the rest of our lives with her, then we can’t!  This is the exact point I’m trying to make:  LezBeProud Episode 1.

I am Transgender!  I am Female!  Because I am this way, I am scrutinized in society for being different.  I may look and act different than someone who is not me, doing the same things I do:  drive the car, shop for clothes and groceries, walk to the mailbox.  We do the same things.  We make difficult decisions and casual choices everyday, just like everyone else!  If I am cut, do I not bleed?  If I am hurt, do I not feel pain?

Why do all of these people, who claim to be devout Christians (of whatever Christian sect), want to force their beliefs and their convictions upon the rest of us?  It’s far too easy to blame others for their religious persecution, because they believe it to be God’s Calling, or their religious right– turning the masses of heathens into Christians– and opening up space in Heaven for them to call Home.  I was Christian before I was Transgender!  I know about all of these things, but the Holy Scriptures have helped me to understand specific concepts that are very out-of-date.  The Holy Bible seems more a book of Moral-Based Stories around the lives of those Jesus and the Lord had devoutly touched.  “Take the good path.”  “Do unto others …”  “Listen and take the advice of your elders.”  “Don’t judge lest ye be judged.”  “Love thy neighbor.”  Where did the devout Christians go wrong?

Mass media and spin-off religious sects tend to pull the focus away from Love and Kindness to Blasphemy and Hatred.  It really makes me angry to see a religious jihad against anything LGBT.  Yes, I did say “religious jihad”.  That’s what it seems to be, more and more in the media, in the laws those Christians vote into power, forcing us who are allied and friends of our LGBT family to vote against such hatred.

We fight your wars.
We live with you in the cities, towns and farms.
We deliver your packages and mail.
We are helpful to you at Walmart and Sears and JCP and Kohl’s.
We wash your cars and clothes.
We care for your children.
We teach your children in schools.
We drive the streets as you do.
We eat at the same restaurants.
We dance and have fun at the same clubs.
We exercise and work out, just like you do.
We haven’t invaded, we were here all along!
It’s just now that you’re starting to see us for the first time!

Why is it that you’re afraid of us?  We’re not going to impose the same restrictions that you’ve unthinkingly imposed upon us.  That’s not the right thing to do.  Being Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual or Trans (transsexual, transgender) does not rub off or is ever contagious; it is the state of our being that gives us the right to oppose the Social Normalcy of Male and Female gender roles.  We are not a religious sect or fad.  We have our Atheists and Christians.  We have Buddhists and Hare Krishnas.  We have other religions as well, but we don’t persecute someone for being weird:  we embrace their compassion for being unique, individual!  It is our lot in life to accept the uniqueness and individuality that everyone possesses, not just those of the LGBT community!

To us:  Everyone is Equal.  That’s the way God intended!  That’s what the Constitution of the United States intended!  As members of One World Society, we are ALL equal.  All of us!

Music, its Meaning and the New Year

This was sent to my friend Gina via Skype, with references to our mutual friends, and some of the best memories I’ve had relating to music and friends.

Listening to Evanescence and thinking of all the songs that have meant something to me, touched me, or brought me to tears.  Much of Evanescence does, Enrique Iglesias’ “Hero”…

I just f**king wish certain people would just leave me the f**k alone.  Not ever you, of course.  My ex-landlord for instance… >_<

I want you to know that I think I found Bert on Facebook this evening.  I do hope it’s her.  Fingers crossed.  LOL

I need some way to get some of this stuff done and working.  There’s nothing I want more than my surgery, my hormones and a great wardrobe.  (A loving family and a caring significant other wouldn’t hurt either… LOL)

I want to do something special with what I have left of my life.  I want everyone who’s helped me along my journey to get the recognition they so deserve.  I want all of the women and men that have helped me along the way, to realize who I am and what my next steps are in my journey, to get just a couple words of grace and praise that I can’t express, that my heart yearns for them to have.

I can’t believe it’s already 2013!  When I was 8, I told my friends in Oshkosh, WI that I was not going to be attending North High or South High.  I just KNEW.  Three years later, I was shipped off to my mother, unbeknownst to my father, taken care of by my evil step-mother, and it was over 4 days later when he found out I was in Illinois.  She never told him that she shipped me off.  I will say this:  It was the BEST DAMN THING SHE’S EVER DONE FOR ME!  I learned my mother had cancer (single mastectomy back in the mid-70s) and fought with everything she had.  She died of bone cancer at the age of 50, I was 17, on September 18, 1988.  “The Mouse that Roared” was at the Little Theater at RIHS; I sat and watched, and felt my mother pass away at 9:19PM.  I made a mental note of it and ran the 2 1/2 miles home, in the snow, downhill for about 1/4 of it.  I never let up, ran past cars as if they were standing still, and nearly took the door off it’s hinges when I hit the front door!

My mother was the best thing that happened to me (except for my hidden high school lover– another story).  She was my confidant, my friend, my disciplinarian, my everything.  Even a kind ear and a shoulder to cry on.  I loved her as a son loves his mother, but she was so much more than that.  It’s like a small child ripping open a brand new toy, only to play unhindered with the empty box!  For me, my mother was like that empty box– oh so much more than just a box– she was my imagination, my inspiration!

I met a few people in my life that helps to transfix my love of music with the memories I have.  The Ketterings (back then) were a great family.  I loved Jame’ and Debbie and their two children, Taren and James (they called him Cricket).  Their adopted son, Doug Pierson and I hit it off well, and we became instant friend.  I had a crush on Debbie for the longest time, but I knew nothing would become of it.  I was about a year older than Doug, but it was all cool.  Doug’s parents were deaf and the sign language my friend Clayton Bowman taught me had sunk in some; Doug could hear and we’d screw around with each other by making our own signs…  It was kind of fun.  We also played the crap out of the role-playing games we had access to:  AD&D, TMNT, Star Frontiers, Paranoia and a few others.

Jame’ had more Native American in him than I had in me; it showed in his Totem Animal readings and his love of nature.  Debbie had a good chunk of Native American, too.  There are some songs that would fit these memories, but nothing seems to come.  We all had our moments, but we were bound by our heritages to be one with each other, and with the land.  We did, and we were.  When I left, I felt saddened, but I didn’t go far; just a few blocks away.  I would see Jame’ or Debbie in passing, but I stayed away.  I was afraid I’d say something that would make the immediate situation unbearable…

My first female love, Fawn, I met in Davenport, IA when I was only a couple months into my 20th year.  We were inseparable for about 6 days.  She gave me a letter about how she wanted to be with me for the rest of her life.  I didn’t know how to take it; this was my first intimate sexual encounter with a woman (six days ago) and she felt like this?  I didn’t know what to say.  I didn’t know what to do!  As soon as I gathered up my courage, she tells me that she no longer wants me, she wants my friend Jesse’s younger brother, Jeremy, who’s 17.  Fawn’s 24.  I’m 20.  Her twin sister, Dawn’s also 24.  Erik’s 25.  Jesse’s 25.  I’m devastated!  I run to a corner of the apartment and cry my eyes out.

The following day, I’m still reeling from the heartbreak.  I write this epic poem about how two people pledge to live the rest of their days together, regardless how the world feels.  It’s my first science fiction poem and it’s literarily poignant.  I means the world to me that she keep the poem, should she want to get back with me, it’s an open invitation.  I end up moving to Clinton, IA with Jesse as winter sets in and make my home there.  I meet some great friends and mentors, making my way into the workforce and making a name for myself along the way.  One year later, just before I move in with one of my friends, Erik and Fawn are looking for me around where I live.  (I live above a pool hall/pub that’s run by a good friend and a great guy and his wife.)  They leave me a note and a phone number.  I call the number and ask for Erik.  It’s my buddy Erik from Davenport, IA!  Fawn and Dawn are there too!  I talk to Fawn and tell her I have to prepare some things before I can go.  That night at work, I tell them I want to transfer to Texas, but they’ll have more information that following Monday.  I took that weekend off, met them at my place, and packed for the weekend.

Fawn and I got back into the groove, I began to serenade her with some Seal, Jesus Jones and Billy Joel, just like I did when we were together a year ago.  She showed me the poem I had written.  I looked at her and held her close.  I told her I couldn’t marry her.  My reasons still involved her being married and estranged from her husband; she never got the divorce.  “I wasn’t ready to get married” was another reason.  We argued a gentle back and forth, citing questions and answering them carefully and honestly.  I loved her and that’s all that mattered to me; for Fawn, she knew she had lost that one ‘man’ who made her feel truly worthy of her body, her mind, her soul.  I wanted her to realize how she had broken me.  I wanted her to know I was a human being, with feelings and a broken heart…  The broken feelings came flooding back; I couldn’t stop crying, I wanted to go back in time and tell her exactly how I felt; marrying her right then!  She was still estranged from her husband back then, too.  I wanted her to me my wife in the worst way, and I didn’t know how to handle rejection again, but she didn’t reject me– I rejected her– but it wasn’t that I was trying to be cruel about it; that was far from what I wanted to do.  We remained intimate for the entire weekend, being close and talking, looking into each others’ eyes, holding each other in embraces that seemed to last hours, listening to the radio (and crying when those songs came on that I remembered singing to her).  She knew…

I saved myself for her over that year; I was celibate.  Once we parted company back in Clinton, IA, I told my friends after work that Monday that I was staying.  I forgot to tell work to stop the transfer; I lost my job.  My buddy Dave allowed me to move in, as security for his apartment, and that I could come and go.  All he wanted was assurances that I would adhere to his rules.  I told him as long as the rules aren’t crazy or unenforceable, I was in.  It was here that I started leaning and learning that I was different.  Not real sure what was going on, but women’s clothing was starting to enter into my wardrobe, bit by bit.

Let’s cut to now.  Most of the time I see myself as the same person I was, just in a different package, wrapped up in a lovely ensemble.  I want to make the inner me and the outer me match and sync.  It’s one of the hardest things I can do right now.  Listening to certain groups and entertainers helps me to cope in times of trouble, depression and angst.  My friends love me and help me with various things, but overall, it’s all on me to make sure I eat right, take my meds and dress the way I feel!  I love deeply, and will always do so.

Some of the best music I have ever listened to has been Depeche Mode, Evanescence and Amy Lee, Creed, Metallica, Weird Al (yes, Weird Al!), No Doubt and Gwen Stefani, Simply Red, Ray Parker Jr., Hootie & the Blowfish, Darius Rucker, Hoobastank, Eric Clapton, Led Zeppelin, Aqua, Puddle of Mudd, Nickelback, Sting and The Police, They Might Be Giants, Bowling for Soup, Abba and a handful of others.  Much of this music reflects the anger and angst that I held for so long, scrabbling and defying the world!  While other artists and bands helped to shape my look and demeanor for years, helping me to finally feel again!  Love, being the only universal concept, besides war, that humanity seems to be able to possess in seemingly equal quantities, gouges and rends flesh from my soul, stripping away all that is superficial and draining away the unnecessary parts to reveal whatever remains:  that place where love resides.  Hatred and strife can be conquered with music; songs can uplift your soul to heights that could never be achieved by conversation~!  Give a listen to Creed “My Sacrifice” or Evanescence “Sweet Sacrifice”; you’ll know what I mean when you take the time to really understand and listen to the meaning behind the lyrics.

Music is a universal reasoning system of mathematically-melodic frequencies.  Once you realize that, you can accomplish great and wonderful things.  Why do you think Gospel music is still so popular?  It’s the message behind the music!  With the right message, the music practically writes itself.  Certain harmonies and chords are struck at the right times to make the message more or less important, more or less dramatic, more or less loving or angry or factual or fanciful– whatever you feel– it can be something that’s needed, or needed in your own life~!

This new year is something that’s going to be bountiful.  A year full of choices, full of truly amazing things for you to discover, realize and put to good use.  We’re all struggling to figure out what’s all happening all at once.  Watch the skies:  there’s some stuff out there that’s going to startle and amaze you!  Listen to your heart:  there’s some stuff around you, near you, just within your grasp that you’re going to rediscover, and it’s going to change your life!  Take a little time to relax, curl up with an LP, a 45 or that favorite mix tape that you’ve had for oh so long, and take a really good listen– it’s going to reveal something that you’ve either never heard before or that you’ve long forgotten– and it’s going to make you realize there’s truly something missing in your life.  Music is what we can all get into.  It doesn’t matter where we’re from or who we are; all that matters is that we can make music, listen to music, whistle, hum or sing– it all comes from deep within– it all comes from someone’s soul, to your ears, and deep inside, resonating with our lives and helping us to learn who we really and truly are.

I’m going to leave this here.  For everyone has their own meaning for the music in their lives.  Let’s live this new year as if we, as individuals with an opinion and a conscience, believe in the everlasting touch of music.

Music can, and will, conquer all~!

Being Normal in an Abnormal World

This statement goes without saying.  We live in a bubbling mass of different people, each with his and her own objectives and likes and dislikes, enough to know that there are things that are taboo in many of the world’s stages.  Something here in the US is taboo in the Middle East.  Something in the Middle East is taboo in Japan.  Something in Japan is taboo in Russia.  And on and on and on…

The World Stage.  This is the measure we are ruled by:  not just those in our own countries, but by those of other countries and societies.  The United Nations is a governmental body housed and peopled by members of many of the so-called civilized nations of the world, working together for a common goal:  peace and prosperity for all mankind!  Much of the time, it’s mired and stuck in decades past accomplishments or recent global losses of member nations or the senseless violence that distort the media outlets into rumor mills or worse.

We are already part of that when we are born into this World Stage.  We grow up and interact with everything from cellphones and internet-ready devices, to computers, laptops, palmtops, netbooks and tablets!  We use this technology to talk to people whom we want to have as friends, only to find out that those people are just the uninformed, technologically-impaired, self-absorbed and you want to unfriend them as quickly as you can.  You find the device or app you’re using doesn’t allow that– there’s no [IGNORE] button on Facebook, there’s no [DUMP] button for your e-mail account, there’s no [UNPLUG] button on your RSS feeds– and that’s just one part of the whole!

All too often I observe young mothers and fathers with small children handing them their cellphones (like iPhones or Samsung Galaxys and the ilk), and letting them play games or watch Barney or Spongebob or The Wiggles on them.  Letting them watch for hours as they get their mobile chores done, picking them up into their car seats and dropping them to their feet to walk along, still clutching the tiny colorful screens, listening to “I’m Barney!  Let’s play!” and still trying to maintain some semblance of a ‘normal life’ with children!

I have two lovely wonderful boys.  Their mother and I mutually adopted them to a loving family in Boston!  I want to make a point:  I know what joy it is to have children.  The pain of minor complications with a caesarean section.  Holding them for the first time and hoping (and praying) you’re doing it the right way!  Bonding with them and crying because of the love you’re giving them, knowing they’re going to be well taken care of!  I am human; there’s nothing going to ever change that!

We’re all bombarded with mass media, multimedia (the television is exactly that!!!) and other locations of news or so-called news, reporting whatever they feel is right and what people need to know!  We feel obligated to tell you everything that’s happening in the world so that you can make an informed decision about what to do today, to eat for breakfast/lunch/dinner, clothes to wear, shoes to buy, car to drive, wife to love, number of children to have, type of job, and on and on and on…  (Doesn’t your brain hurt from all that drivel?)

Anyway, I’m off track here somewhere…

To get back on track:  We’re all a part of the Human Race, placed upon the World Stage, given lines that seem oh so unique, automatic and meaningful, and stuck in relationships that seem to revolve around something frivolous.  Only when you realize you can change parts of this, is when you can truly become your own version of NORMAL, and the world you live in is the stranger!

You’re no longer the weird one!  You’re being normal in an abnormal world!

Congratulations!  You’ve finally accomplished that which you wanted to do for such a long time:  YOU WON!

 

Not Sure What to Say…

Just not sure what to say but here it goes!

I’m leaning toward beginning my trek and finding myself homeless at the same time.  My former fiancee (now roommate) thinks that I no longer feel the same way I did when I met her 13 years ago, which isn’t true.  I love her.  She’s been a survivor of Stage 4 Breast Cancer, a smudge of bone cancer on her T7 vertebrae, an enlarged polyp just inside her rectum (that the surgeon lied about completely removing >_<) and just had some moles removed to check for melanoma.  She’s one hell of a fighter and I commend her for it.

I want to be there for her for the rest of her life, however long that may be, but as soon as I begin my transition from ‘the man she fell in love with’ to the female I know I should have been, she’ll shut me out and never let me in.  I’m torn, but ultimately she wants me happy, and I want her happy.

I have a strange friend who lives with his mother.  She and he are pretty compatible, but he can be really strange…  He works as a security guard and prefers night shift work and overnights, but that leaves him zero time for social calls and other such fun.  I want to get back into my goth mode, like I had in high school, but with a little different style for me…  LOL  I will not invite him because he’s really indifferent about what I’m doing…  Not really where a friend should be, but he’s a decent enough friend to assist me with my computer work.

I have another friend who is more sensitive to my needs and dreams, and he’s a great guy.  He’s bi and he’s been a really good friend through it all so far.  His mom is also a friend of mine and understands my point of view; she has a gay brother and he’s pretty cool (so is his partner).  I can’t stay there for long, and can’t store my stuff there either…  It kind of bites, that, but I can completely understand.  She doesn’t want to be responsible for my stuff turning up damaged or missing.  That’s something we can both live with!

Two of my three sisters know of my plans.  B and T and pretty cool about it all.  I can’t stay with B because there’s no extra room.  T lives in a travel trailer, and there’s no room for me and my things, but she’s moving to Wisconsin soon. She said that if all happens where I have to go, I can stay with her in Wisconsin and make my journey happen.  I’d love to, but I want to make sure I can get SSD (for my mental illness) and Medicaid to help me with any other expenses like meds, hormones, and serum testing.  It’s something that’s been puzzling me now for a while…  [I have Type II Diabetes and I have to monitor it to keep it in the proper range.]

My third sister, C, is not on board because I have yet to tell her.  Her youngest daughter, Syl, lives in Oregon.  She just got married to a nice young man.  C and her husband Ty never went to be there. C just up and decided that she and Ty couldn’t go because of Ty’s back problems; he never knew and was very angry when C told him.  That’s his baby girl!  You don’t put yourself, and your feelings, before something as wonderful and beautiful as your youngest getting married! Never!  I would have divorced C if I was Ty, but that’s not going to make the fact I missed out on Syl’s wedding any easier…

I have told Syl, and Jess (T’s oldest).  They’re on board.  They think it’s wonderful that I’ve finally found myself.  “… in whatever form you choose … [we] will always love you.”  My other niece, Bon, is C’s oldest from another encounter when I was quite small, and she’s only a few years younger than me…  I told her and she was happy I finally found where I needed to be with my life.  She want to see me, too.  Bon’s the niece that T’s going to visit once she’s in Wisconsin, then onto getting her own place.  (And if all goes well enough for me to get there, I’ll be there too.)

I do have another out-of-state option.  I met another M2F transgender in Iowa through a transgender dating site.  She’s wonderful.  Mi and I are just like two beautiful butterflies in a field of wildflowers, fluttering back and forth in the breeze, from flower to flower…  She and I have a lot in common and we really get along well.  She reminds me of another gal pal I have, looks and all, but a bit older than she is.  Feli is that friend Mi reminds me of.  (I don’t associate with Feli much anymore, our circles no longer coincide and she’s been keeping to herself.  Mostly.)  Mi has been working on her house for her mother, remodeling it, but I’m not privy to the exact nature of the modifications…  It’s not my decision anyway, and I completely understand about those things.  We’ve talked at length about what makes us who we are, our differences, and our lives together.  I know that there’s hints and mentions of marriage here and there; how we truly feel about each other, but marriage is something I will consider once we’ve been together for quite some time and living under the same roof.  I feel I want to carry this on slowly.  I do love my Mi, and she me, but we need to acclimate to each other…  I think we’ll both come around and be inseparable together.

Then there’s Ria.  She’s a friend of mine who has been with my strange friend and nearly married to him.  She parted from him because of his hang-up with being in his mother’s house.  She never really understood why he kept putting off getting into the military, but he told me he has ‘testing anxiety’.  I got over that at an early age!  I just made sure I completed any test as quickly and as correctly as I could, and knowing the answers to the questions at hand was always a winning combination!

I just hated when some of my teachers decided to take it upon themselves to claim I was cheating, lambaste me before the class, send me to the principal’s office and call my dad.  My dad was someone that was NOT to be messed with, not even through his son!  I went home and told my dad about this one teacher who humiliated me in front of the class.  He took me to school the next day, and went to the principal’s office.  He told me to wait in the outer office.  He went right in and started talking to the principal.  She was a little scary, but she was wonderful!

I was told to go to class like it was a normal day.  They’d be coming in time for my math class and observe from the hallway.  (We had large windows that faced into the hallway for every class in the old building.  They were just out of sight and looking in…  I never really knew they were there until Mrs. Pomeraning started in on me again!)  They walked up, and Mrs. Behm (the principal) asked the rest of the class to wait out in the hall.  They all left but me, Mrs. Behm, Dad and Mrs. P.  Mrs. Behm demanded I take another test.  It was a mathematics times table quiz.  She had several pre-made and handed me another one.

Mrs. Behm told me to complete it as fast as I could.  She held a stopwatch and said “Go!”  I started.  It took me all of about a minute and 10 seconds to finish the page of 30 problems.  As soon as I set my pencil down, Mrs. Behm said she was astonished how quickly I did.  My dad knew and was also impressed.  Mrs. P. insisted I had cheated.  Mrs. Behm asked me to empty out my pockets and empty my desk.  I did  and there was nothing to be found.  Not even any writing on my hands!  My father got a formal apology from Mrs. P., Mrs. Behm and the school board.  I was told I did not have to take these tests, but if “… this young man wants to, let him …”  Mrs. Behm was fair and just.  She made me feel so much better because of this humiliation I suffered was now put to rest.  I was only 7; this was 2nd Grade!  Mrs. P. had a problem with me and I never knew…  Guess I never will…

I want this to be as seamless as possible, but I know this will not be.  I’d rather spend my time blogging, writing and coding my next video game masterpiece than fighting with a societal norm that’s anything but!  If more children were NOT lumped into society’s binary gender caste, and allowed to choose their own destiny and gender role, we’d have more children who would not be haters, bigots and supremacists, IMHO.  If little Mikey wants to be a girl, let him.  If little Sarah wants to be a boy, let her.  It’s all about not making choices for them, but for them to make the choices!

That maths fiasco I endured was just one of many things that know-it-alls tend to do:  distort the truth to fit their own needs.  I’m not that way and never want to be that way.  I know I know not everything, but I want to learn those things I feel fulfill my curiosity and need for knowledge.  I know I know not all that happens in the world, but I know I can learn that which I choose to learn.  If teachers take into account that they’re students learn at their own paces, are interested in many different things, and can teach to those students’ strengths, then those teachers have truly accomplished something:  learning children!  An open mind is a learning mind; a closed mind is a belligerent, rebellious mind!  It all starts at home!

Where was I?!  ROFL

Anyway, I know there’s a bunch of things that need to be taken care of too.  I am willing to do what I need to do to make that change and turn the corner…  I change of scenery may be exactly what the doctor (or endocrinologist) orders, but I’m up to that challenge.  I just have to find the right location where I can ultimately feel safe and not intruded upon, and yet feel that I could be expressive and work it all out.

Let’s all be a little more knowledgeable out there.  A little safer.  A little more personable to those whom you don’t quite understand, but are willing to assist.  That’s where it all starts:  One Good Deed!  Let it Begin!

Hugs & Kisses,
~Robynn