This is my new link to my GoFundMe campaign. I am in desperate need to get ot loving and caring friends in Illinois. They are working hard to help me get to them and preparing a place for me to bunk until I can get settled into a place of my own. This is something that I truly desperately need.
The environment I live in currently, deep in the Bible Belt, is rife with hetero-oppression and leftist Christian values. I can’t function here without a job, as I have to pay for every scrap of medicine, every piece of doctor documentation and counseling for my severe depression, type 2 diabetes and my transgenderism. I had to stop going to my clinic when I arrived at my eldest sister’s place because I don’t even have the gas money to pay for my trips to my clinic– the only one semi-locally– that deals with my types of issues. This is truly unfortunate for me as I’ve been out of all of my medications for nearly a year.
I am barely functioning, barely able to deal with the things that I need to take care of myself and still try to carry on some semblance of transition. I am crying writing this because I have no other outlets to turn to and no one else to even try to talk to. This truly is one of my darkest days and my depression is creeping up on me; I can feel it like a little twinge at the back of my neck, as if someone is following me and observing me a little to closely, and far to adjacent to my current position. I am so scared sometimes that I don’t even want to leave the house.
I was asked to go to the Tupelo Flea Market this past Friday and I felt like I was on display for my sister. This truly sucked because I was ill before I went, I was slipping into a diabetic fit, and was getting sweaty chills. It sucked taking off my outer jacket, to feel a little better, only to put it back on when we got outside when I started getting really chilled. It was blustery that day.
I wanted to try to enjoy myself, but it really didn’t happen. I was under too much stress and felt so alone there with my sister, her husband and my niece (her grown daughter). What’s a sick girl to do? I needed to eat when I got home, but couldn’t because my sister insisted that she would make something, then backed out. She started feeling awful that day too. I managed to make something to eat, ate it and went to bed early. I keep getting ill here; not sure why.
I am also suffering from carbon-monoxide poisoning on a nearly daily basis with the LP space heaters they have in the house. I get such excruciating migraines from the lack of oxygen that I’m literally wallowing in this dull, creepy feeling. If I open the windows in “my” bedroom, I get chilled and the air’s a bit better, but I still have to go into the rest of the house and breathe that tainted air. I hate it. This is another reason for my depression; a deep-seated fear of asphyxiating in their home, and my sister not wanting to do something about it. (I’ve asked her about ventilation, and she tells me there’s enough. If their was, I wouldn’t be having this conversation and not experiencing these massive migraines.)
Anyway, I think I’ve explained much of the problems and craziness that ensues here. I need to work on another project, but I can’t stop crying.