Midnight Revelation

Not sure where to put this or how to express how I truly feel, but that’s why we blog, isn’t it?

Over this week I’ve been trying to help the 16-year old daughter of my friends, with whom I’m am a guest in their home (along with their 18-year old, and another 6 (2 additional girls and 4 boys) ranging from 11(?) to 2 years) and have been for almost a month.  They wanted a 2-week trial, and I stepped it up and ran with it; they accepted me:  all of them.  Most of the youngest call me “uncle”, but the oldest 3 call me “aunt”; we’re not related, but I don’t really mind.  I miss that kind of family life.

I’m going to be filling out an employment application at a local insurance telemarketing agency that P had worked for previously.  I am so nervous.  I have been living as a woman since October (2012), and the gentleman who owns the place is a nice man and a pastor of a local church. P informed me of a few things:  dress less like a woman and more like a man when filling out the app and for the interview (just land the job, you can carry on from there); earn some money and start getting the things you’re going to need; upon employment, we had agreed I’d pay some into the household for my living expenses.  I feel I’m making strides, but backwards in this situation.  I’m a woman, not a man.  That was something I hoped I’d never go back to!  The Manly Life!  I’m a woman and that’s all there is to it!

I have struggled to make things happen and convince people in the community that I am a woman.  I carry a purse.  I wear my hair a certain way.  I wear makeup, but not excessively.  I dress in women’s clothing!  I know, deep inside, that a woman is who I am– not the manly facade that I had to create to keep my father happy about his son– and I don’t want to do back on that!  Ever!  I had a tough time with it around my former landlord when I came out to him and my former fiancee.  He told me that I was not to cross-dress on his property; he was afraid of his grandchildren asking too many questions about me.  I told him he wouldn’t have to worry.  Almost a week later, I moved out.  I felt insecure.  I felt exposed; almost to the point of complete nakedness!

I knew I had a place to go.  P&M’s!  That’s months ago!

Being here, living with P&M (this is a different P&M than the first one) and their 8 children (the other P&M only had 1 child) is different and kind of fun.  Many of them have mental issues, problems with interacting with others, ADD, habitual lying, and other such disorders… (Wow!  I fit right in! LOL)  P has told me that she can say stuff without thinking, and I told her that was fine.  A small incident happened, and I let it go; P apologized to me about it.  If I don’t hear it, that’s fine.  If I do, I can and have been known to take offense.  I tend to let it roll off my back; she means no harm or malice toward me.

My bras have been feeling like fiberglass lately.  Not sure if it’s something related to the high humidity, my perspiration, my deodorant, the laundry detergent or a combination of those that’s making any kind of bra uncomfortable to wear.  It seems that I may have misplaced my power adapter for my electric razor and my sunglasses case; they are somewhere in this house!  I had them moving into the split bedroom, but I cannot find them to save my life.  I just don’t get it; they don’t just get up and walk away!  One of the older kids may have taken them to school not realizing what they were, realizing what they were and wanted to sell or get rid of them, or hid them on me to find months from now.  I really needed my sunglasses today!  My eyes were bugging out of my head, and I was not impaired by a sinus infection.  They hurt like that sometimes.

Found the cord to my razor!  I remember putting something there (one of my cloth grocery shopping bags) and had forgotten it was there.  Oops!  Sorry, kids!  That could mean that my sunglasses could be in here, too!  Hooray!

I don’t necessarily want to revisit my male alter-ego again.  I don’t!  I did things that I regret; I did things that I didn’t, but it all comes down to who I know I am!  I guess I’m living in the past, dwelling on things that I regret, and not finding a way to resolve them.  Maybe my father was reading into something that I didn’t know, or acknowledge, after my mother died; I may never know.  If this is how things are supposed to be, then why does this interview/employment app scare me?  I don’t want to step back into the cowl of darkness and re-explore my demons, my darkness, my testosterone-fueled short fuse-snapping anger fits!  That in itself scares me!

I live in the Bible Belt of the US!  Mississippi!  In a tiny little town, where I can walk about 400 feet to the public library out the front door.  I can walk to the closest grocery store about 8 blocks away.  In that same distance I can cut through the hospital-dedicated exercise path and reach the duck pond.  Much of the things that are in this town are within walking distance.  Walk across the street, same side as the house and library, and where the library sits, there’s a big white Baptist church!  No joke!  There’s a mental health counselor on the main street only about 5 blocks from here.  (I wonder whether they can help someone like me from the LGBTQ community.  If not, I can grab the information online for them to take a look and go from there.  Otherwise, I’d have to go to Gulfport!  That’s about a 8 hour drive, one way, and I don’t have a car!)

I am uneasy.  I am nervous.  I am wondering about this possible job and that I need employment; just stick to it, and I will prosper.  I know all that!  I want to do it my way!  That’s what I want.  Just really scared…  I do have some anxiety with this ‘reversion’ and I’m not liking it.

Wish me luck.  I’m turning in for the night…  Please pray for me and we’ll see where this goes.

Thanks.

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For the Ubiquitous Ugliness that Belies the Incorrigible

I think there’s a time and a place for everything.  It is the best thing that can become whatever we feel is necessary in our lives, the most important of all things, that of working through friendships and relationships, and taking it all in to deduce what’s right and just to make the best of things.  If I’m wrong, tell me.  If not, then allow me to continue…

I have been in this situation since last September (2012) and have been working to a culmination of various things, hoping that my decision is true and just for what I believe to be the crowning factor in what’s been a lie for over 20 years!  Nothing I have done or said to anyone has really been to hurt them, but to enlighten them to the fact that I’m pursuing a drastic change of lifestyle and demeanor. I never wanted those I considered my friends and family to turn their backs on me, snub me like a murder convict or as the “Scum of the Earth”, but that’s what happened when I told my former landlord, my former fiancee and a few (whom I considered) of my closest friends.  I felt like just abandoning life, running for the closest place I could to get away from everyone, and take my own life. …

I refused!  I told them, in my own way that I am just a human being.  I feel just like YOU!  I hurt just like YOU!  I bleed just like YOU!  I want my human rights just like YOUYOU’RE giving me nothing but anguish, hating me for my views and telling me off like I’m some kind of circus or sideshow freak!  I’m sorry that I’m not Lobster Boy or the Bearded Lady!  (ALL of these sideshow “freaks” were HUMAN, TOO, with FEELINGS and FAMILIES!  It was NOT their fault that YOU exploited them for YOUR sick and twisted amusement!)

Where have I gone wrong?  What have I done to deserve this kind of treatment?  I keep asking the same damn questions and I keep coming up with the same conclusions:  not a damn thing!  I know I’m just having problems with certain people and that they happen to get their facts tangled, then blame me for their misdirection.  It makes me feel like they’re trying to sabotage any relationship (friendship or business relationship) what we may have.  I struggle every day with acceptance and understanding for my acclimation and transition, but when that challenge is itself challenged, I tend to be defensive and unwilling to listen to anything these other people say– nothing– and I usually tune them out (or hang up on them, whichever is more convenient).

It kills me that there’s a bunch of ignorant and belligerent people who believe society is the way everything should be.  It also bothers me that there’s too many people who also think we have a binary gender system.  Not anymore!  All forms should have a list of choices for a person’s Gender:  Male, Female and Other!  This way, you don’t have to put yourself into the general binary gender system.  Why are there so many who fear us?  I’ve not done anything to anyone calling themselves Male or Female, nor have I caused them any harm.  I don’t really care what you call yourself, but I am a woman and I am that way because it’s not about the sum of my parts, but how I perceive and identify myself.  You no longer have control and I believe that’s what frightens you:  your society keeps telling you you’re doing the right thing, when obviously you’re not!

But how does my gender identity frighten you, when it’s not about you and how you feel?  “I think, therefore I am,” is a quote from some historical great thinker.  It makes some sense, but it belies a much deeper meaning than just those five words.  “I exist because I think.” … “I exist because I can think.” … “I exist because I choose to think.”  The fact that individuals can understand being is knowing and that knowledge is power should take to the streets and assist us in our personal struggles, where I believe that’s the stuff the flock is looking out for that makes them afraid of those who are like me, my brothers- and sisters-in-arms, and our supporters.  Why should they be afraid of us?  Sweden and the UK, even Ireland and Russia, Thailand, Japan, China and Canada all have transgendered and intersexed citizens, why can’t we?  Why do we not rate among the World Society?  As US citizens and many of us hold professional positions, vote, and pay taxes, why can’t we get the care, the medications and the services we need to help us become whole?

Fear.  That’s all it is…  Simple fear.  The politicians are scrambling to quell the onslaught of our LGBTQ community, though a healthy smattering, 30 to 35%, cross-dress or are closet homosexuals.  Another 2 to 5% are hiding their transgender status.  Yet another 1 to 3% are stating one gender when they are truly intersexed.  It all comes down to societal fear, and the yearning to be a generic normal.  Newsflash:  there is no generic or societal normal anymore!  I am a single member of this great nation, the US of A, and I am a single member of the LGBTQ community, through no fault of my own, and I am proud to be who I am and not the sum of my parts!

Knowledge is Power.  This has been blasted into me since I was old enough to read, write and comprehend!  I know many of us are Christian in some fashion, and that some of us are of other religious systems, but what bothers me most:  I see many of you harboring a deep-seated resentment or hatred for your fellows in religion.  Don’t call this a Holy War!  God made His flock in His image to help us to mend what we’ve broken, love unconditionally, and to never hate and envy our neighbors!  If you’re not religious, then it’s all to perpetuate love and kindness to all!  Karma can be well-deserved in any form it chooses, Good or Bad, benefiting or hurting whomever had made their choice.  I consider myself Wiccan and Christian, as both are symbolic of a Greater Love and Affinity for Life!  I would hope you, as fear-seekers, would just stop being prejudicial against what you don’t understand, open your minds and hearts to what we’re trying to explain, and allow our message to help guide you to be more understanding to what we are asking, as a whole, ending the violence and anti-LGBTQ policies and bills that you are trying to pass into law.  Allow us our freedoms and we will show you just how much like you we truly are!

Consider this.  I blog when I have been unjustly blasted, either verbally or physically, by someone I thought I could trust.  I cannot stand idly by and let people do this to me, nor can I delve into the possibilities that would compromise our collective safety, but I will notify and work out the pain, hurt and transgressions I feel, openly and with those of you who can honestly say “Hey, I know You!  I’ve been there. … How can I help?”  I am working through an exceptionally tough time right now and I want anyone who reads my blogs to, at least, have some kind of awareness that I am in need of assistance.  Nothing is needed more than to get “my transition on”.  I have few options, minimal funds and a loving wonderful family (family, friends and associates whom I consider my extended family) who are struggling as we all are in this horrendous economy.

I am looking toward alternatives for getting what I need for my transition, but I am seriously struggling in every aspect:  naysayers, non-believers and the prejudiced.  I put them out of my mind and take matters into my own hands (non-violently, of course).  I need more than just assistance:  I need more caring and loving friends, colleagues and acquaintances.  We all do.  My brothers- and sisters-in-arms do as well, and there’s almost no help for us medically…  Why?  Politicians and hateful/prejudicial Christian fear-mongering.  That’s all it is.  If someone at work is part of our LGBTQ community, then pull her aside, say something kind to her, and rally behind her when she needs it most.  Take up your pens and write to your state representatives to start more LGBTQ initiatives; help us get he medical treatment we need, the health assistance we have the right to, and bolster us when we fall.

I just want all of us to be happy and healthy.  Why can’t we?