Enemies over Friends

I have a ‘friend’ who believes she’s still close to me.  She also believes I may have forgotten about the money she owes me for some sleep medication.  Every time I see her on Facebook or on Skype, I say “Hi” or “Hey” and she signs off or shuts off her phone.  She knows she owes me this money and it’s been since after Thanksgiving last year (1012) that she’s kept telling me that she will pay me.  Then the excuses and the monies she received from a death in her family, and more excuses.  I’m not even sure if she’d talk to me on the phone, but I am sick of her avoiding me and hiding herself away from me.  We had been intimate between her former fiancee and her current one; nothing for her current fiancee to worry about.  I loved her like a friend (with benefits) but I knew that would not happen often and I was happy with that.

This is when things started getting pretty weird and our friendship started taking a turn for the worse…  Her current fiancee is a very jealous man.  He, thinking I’m doing this for the attention and the money, seems to be afraid of what I might do with his girlfriend; he still thinks of me a a guy, too, so that’s his loss.

She and I have had our intimate connections from time to time while she was with her ex.  Truthfully, being with her in that way felt so right on so many levels, but having the anatomy I have is what makes this kind of thing exceptionally foreign to me.  We enjoyed each other, but ultimately I knew who I was, though not why.

The tirade that I’m in the process of posting to her, I also want to post to a few friends to let them know my intentions, and how I intend to exact justice, but that I will be striking her from my Facebook account and my Skype contacts.  She has really set me off, and I finally got up the courage to explain how I truly feel about this.

To Lexi:

You ask for stuff in the games we play mutually and I give it freely.  That’s what I do and how I am supposed to treat people (it’s in the Bible).  You still will not pay me back that little bit.  I am struggling to find work here, starting a business with a couple of friends I made while living here, and the family I’m a nanny for loves me and my cooking!

When you dissed me before I left, I thought you’d never want to see me or talk to me for as long as you lived.  That’s exactly how I felt.  I’m sorry for all the crap that I did for you out of the kindness and friendship we shared.  I’m so upset and angry with you and your actions that I’m not sure what to do.

I love you in a way that Stefan will never understand, and with that you should respect me for the discovering who I am and where I’m going with in this journey.  I love who I am now and not even you can stand in the way of my progress!

Lately, you’ve been disrespecting me when I see you’re on Facebook or Skype and I offer a simple “Hi”, you shut me out.  You immediately hop off like I’ve just e-slapped you in the face.  You promised me you’d pay me.  You said with your own mouth and mind.  Stefan was there to hear it too.  Would you like me to tell him about those few times where we were intimate and I helped satisfy you?  If you don’t, I would seriously recommend you pay me.

Understand, if you were in my position, wouldn’t you want me to pay you back?  I did things that were against my moral compass, because my best friend asked me to.  You know I don’t usually do those kinds of things, but I did so you could be happy.  (I just wish it was a different relationship, is all– us I mean and *NOT* you and Stefan.)

We truly had some real heart-to-heart talks in your green Buick.  I loved that car!  What happened to that scared girl from northern Florida?  What happened to the girl who called me when she found out she was pregnant by some guy who took advantage of you, while in the Navy?  I told you then how I felt.  I knew Matthew wouldn’t understand, but he’d just roll over (like all those time you and he got intimate) and I’d be able to stake a claim in your life.  I loved you then.  I still do…

The things between us have changed.  I feel I need to stop hoping for that *never-ending romance*, that *hopeless romance* that I told you about.  The one where we split from our significant others and embrace what we have together.  With my new-found personal discovery and my yearning for a special friend, one who knows me, I hoped we could figure all of that out– it never came– and you shirked me, tossed me to the wayside *AND* complained that I was taking too long bathing because you were going to a movie with Stefan.

What kind of friend would promise their best friend to lend a helping hand and spend time with her when you may never see her again?  Why would you make me feel so insignificant, almost as if I’m lying to you about moving, and taking it upon yourself to not pick up the phone and call me; or even answer when I called!?  Did you not have any intestinal fortitude to stand up to Stefan just this once and make my last night in Gibsonton one that we would both remember?

… … Apparently not.  Apparently you never cared.  Apparently you used me.  You used my writing expertise.  You used my knowledge of sexual intimacy for your own gains.  You used me and used me and used me, but when I needed a little hand (or some money when I sold to you a few personal things), you turn your back on me like a little crying puppy or a child you’re trying to teach to live away from you for a few hours.  Mechele and Paul saw how I was the night before, crying, weeping, hoping you’d come and help and visit.  Mechele called Stefan about you coming over; he told her he didn’t know anything about what you told me and that he didn’t mind you coming over.  You gave a mathematics homework excuse…  Then the following day, you even told me the day before if not then, “tomorrow”.  I called you all day.  From my phone, Paul and Mechele’s phone and did not even answer.  Again making me feel helpless and useless.  Stefan didn’t even want to be disturbed over it.  Around 5:30 you called back and told Mechele that Stefan had a computer issue and Pat was there to help fix it; you HAD to watch the puppies.  You could have put them outside, gotten in your car and came to see me.  You didn’t, then upon getting there, you and Stefan try to rush me out of the bath.  You and Stefan also got read the Riot Act by both Paul and Mechele!  Where the hell were your priorities that night!?  Why the broken promise!?

I guess I only rated as a useable friend.  One whom you could pull the wool over her eyes and lambaste when things didn’t go right for you.  I am supposed to be *YOUR* best friend!  Why have you treated me as less than Human?  Paul and Mechele have allowed me into their home without prejudice, without hate, without a care knowing I would do them no harm.  Both you and Stefan have this preconceived notion that I am doing this for attention or that I’m doing this for monetary gain; if that was true, where’s all my money?  Where’s all my worldly possessions?  Where’s my purple Kia Soul?  Where’s my Xbox slim?  Where’s my 64″ flat panel 120Hz LCD widescreen television?  Where’s my airplane tickets to Spain, Ireland and Japan?

If you give me any more excuses why you have not paid me, then consider this:  you’re through being my friend; you’re not even an acquaintance of mine; not a colleague or a co-worker…  You’re just some dumb twat that I used to know who screwed me over for a measly $90.

The ball is now in your court.  The next move is yours.  Make it count.

This is exactly how I feel.  I want her to understand that she needs to pay back her debt and then things can be happy and proper again.  Just as it was when we first met working at WalMart in Gibsonton– the under-appreciated electronics co-worker and the electronics ‘mastermind’ for fielding customers questions– gathering ourselves and talking in her car for hours after work.  I knew we were both looking for similar things in life; I told her I’d never hurt her.  Now, this whole thing is hurting me more than I care to express…

I care for her and care about her.  Her SO thinks highly of her, but barely shows it.  He’d rather spend time off work relaxing playing games than relaxing and being close and intimate with her.  That’s what she’s missing in her life; an intimate connection.  Now that I’m no longer there, she’s got to deal with it on her own…

Advertisements

Music, its Meaning and the New Year

This was sent to my friend Gina via Skype, with references to our mutual friends, and some of the best memories I’ve had relating to music and friends.

Listening to Evanescence and thinking of all the songs that have meant something to me, touched me, or brought me to tears.  Much of Evanescence does, Enrique Iglesias’ “Hero”…

I just f**king wish certain people would just leave me the f**k alone.  Not ever you, of course.  My ex-landlord for instance… >_<

I want you to know that I think I found Bert on Facebook this evening.  I do hope it’s her.  Fingers crossed.  LOL

I need some way to get some of this stuff done and working.  There’s nothing I want more than my surgery, my hormones and a great wardrobe.  (A loving family and a caring significant other wouldn’t hurt either… LOL)

I want to do something special with what I have left of my life.  I want everyone who’s helped me along my journey to get the recognition they so deserve.  I want all of the women and men that have helped me along the way, to realize who I am and what my next steps are in my journey, to get just a couple words of grace and praise that I can’t express, that my heart yearns for them to have.

I can’t believe it’s already 2013!  When I was 8, I told my friends in Oshkosh, WI that I was not going to be attending North High or South High.  I just KNEW.  Three years later, I was shipped off to my mother, unbeknownst to my father, taken care of by my evil step-mother, and it was over 4 days later when he found out I was in Illinois.  She never told him that she shipped me off.  I will say this:  It was the BEST DAMN THING SHE’S EVER DONE FOR ME!  I learned my mother had cancer (single mastectomy back in the mid-70s) and fought with everything she had.  She died of bone cancer at the age of 50, I was 17, on September 18, 1988.  “The Mouse that Roared” was at the Little Theater at RIHS; I sat and watched, and felt my mother pass away at 9:19PM.  I made a mental note of it and ran the 2 1/2 miles home, in the snow, downhill for about 1/4 of it.  I never let up, ran past cars as if they were standing still, and nearly took the door off it’s hinges when I hit the front door!

My mother was the best thing that happened to me (except for my hidden high school lover– another story).  She was my confidant, my friend, my disciplinarian, my everything.  Even a kind ear and a shoulder to cry on.  I loved her as a son loves his mother, but she was so much more than that.  It’s like a small child ripping open a brand new toy, only to play unhindered with the empty box!  For me, my mother was like that empty box– oh so much more than just a box– she was my imagination, my inspiration!

I met a few people in my life that helps to transfix my love of music with the memories I have.  The Ketterings (back then) were a great family.  I loved Jame’ and Debbie and their two children, Taren and James (they called him Cricket).  Their adopted son, Doug Pierson and I hit it off well, and we became instant friend.  I had a crush on Debbie for the longest time, but I knew nothing would become of it.  I was about a year older than Doug, but it was all cool.  Doug’s parents were deaf and the sign language my friend Clayton Bowman taught me had sunk in some; Doug could hear and we’d screw around with each other by making our own signs…  It was kind of fun.  We also played the crap out of the role-playing games we had access to:  AD&D, TMNT, Star Frontiers, Paranoia and a few others.

Jame’ had more Native American in him than I had in me; it showed in his Totem Animal readings and his love of nature.  Debbie had a good chunk of Native American, too.  There are some songs that would fit these memories, but nothing seems to come.  We all had our moments, but we were bound by our heritages to be one with each other, and with the land.  We did, and we were.  When I left, I felt saddened, but I didn’t go far; just a few blocks away.  I would see Jame’ or Debbie in passing, but I stayed away.  I was afraid I’d say something that would make the immediate situation unbearable…

My first female love, Fawn, I met in Davenport, IA when I was only a couple months into my 20th year.  We were inseparable for about 6 days.  She gave me a letter about how she wanted to be with me for the rest of her life.  I didn’t know how to take it; this was my first intimate sexual encounter with a woman (six days ago) and she felt like this?  I didn’t know what to say.  I didn’t know what to do!  As soon as I gathered up my courage, she tells me that she no longer wants me, she wants my friend Jesse’s younger brother, Jeremy, who’s 17.  Fawn’s 24.  I’m 20.  Her twin sister, Dawn’s also 24.  Erik’s 25.  Jesse’s 25.  I’m devastated!  I run to a corner of the apartment and cry my eyes out.

The following day, I’m still reeling from the heartbreak.  I write this epic poem about how two people pledge to live the rest of their days together, regardless how the world feels.  It’s my first science fiction poem and it’s literarily poignant.  I means the world to me that she keep the poem, should she want to get back with me, it’s an open invitation.  I end up moving to Clinton, IA with Jesse as winter sets in and make my home there.  I meet some great friends and mentors, making my way into the workforce and making a name for myself along the way.  One year later, just before I move in with one of my friends, Erik and Fawn are looking for me around where I live.  (I live above a pool hall/pub that’s run by a good friend and a great guy and his wife.)  They leave me a note and a phone number.  I call the number and ask for Erik.  It’s my buddy Erik from Davenport, IA!  Fawn and Dawn are there too!  I talk to Fawn and tell her I have to prepare some things before I can go.  That night at work, I tell them I want to transfer to Texas, but they’ll have more information that following Monday.  I took that weekend off, met them at my place, and packed for the weekend.

Fawn and I got back into the groove, I began to serenade her with some Seal, Jesus Jones and Billy Joel, just like I did when we were together a year ago.  She showed me the poem I had written.  I looked at her and held her close.  I told her I couldn’t marry her.  My reasons still involved her being married and estranged from her husband; she never got the divorce.  “I wasn’t ready to get married” was another reason.  We argued a gentle back and forth, citing questions and answering them carefully and honestly.  I loved her and that’s all that mattered to me; for Fawn, she knew she had lost that one ‘man’ who made her feel truly worthy of her body, her mind, her soul.  I wanted her to realize how she had broken me.  I wanted her to know I was a human being, with feelings and a broken heart…  The broken feelings came flooding back; I couldn’t stop crying, I wanted to go back in time and tell her exactly how I felt; marrying her right then!  She was still estranged from her husband back then, too.  I wanted her to me my wife in the worst way, and I didn’t know how to handle rejection again, but she didn’t reject me– I rejected her– but it wasn’t that I was trying to be cruel about it; that was far from what I wanted to do.  We remained intimate for the entire weekend, being close and talking, looking into each others’ eyes, holding each other in embraces that seemed to last hours, listening to the radio (and crying when those songs came on that I remembered singing to her).  She knew…

I saved myself for her over that year; I was celibate.  Once we parted company back in Clinton, IA, I told my friends after work that Monday that I was staying.  I forgot to tell work to stop the transfer; I lost my job.  My buddy Dave allowed me to move in, as security for his apartment, and that I could come and go.  All he wanted was assurances that I would adhere to his rules.  I told him as long as the rules aren’t crazy or unenforceable, I was in.  It was here that I started leaning and learning that I was different.  Not real sure what was going on, but women’s clothing was starting to enter into my wardrobe, bit by bit.

Let’s cut to now.  Most of the time I see myself as the same person I was, just in a different package, wrapped up in a lovely ensemble.  I want to make the inner me and the outer me match and sync.  It’s one of the hardest things I can do right now.  Listening to certain groups and entertainers helps me to cope in times of trouble, depression and angst.  My friends love me and help me with various things, but overall, it’s all on me to make sure I eat right, take my meds and dress the way I feel!  I love deeply, and will always do so.

Some of the best music I have ever listened to has been Depeche Mode, Evanescence and Amy Lee, Creed, Metallica, Weird Al (yes, Weird Al!), No Doubt and Gwen Stefani, Simply Red, Ray Parker Jr., Hootie & the Blowfish, Darius Rucker, Hoobastank, Eric Clapton, Led Zeppelin, Aqua, Puddle of Mudd, Nickelback, Sting and The Police, They Might Be Giants, Bowling for Soup, Abba and a handful of others.  Much of this music reflects the anger and angst that I held for so long, scrabbling and defying the world!  While other artists and bands helped to shape my look and demeanor for years, helping me to finally feel again!  Love, being the only universal concept, besides war, that humanity seems to be able to possess in seemingly equal quantities, gouges and rends flesh from my soul, stripping away all that is superficial and draining away the unnecessary parts to reveal whatever remains:  that place where love resides.  Hatred and strife can be conquered with music; songs can uplift your soul to heights that could never be achieved by conversation~!  Give a listen to Creed “My Sacrifice” or Evanescence “Sweet Sacrifice”; you’ll know what I mean when you take the time to really understand and listen to the meaning behind the lyrics.

Music is a universal reasoning system of mathematically-melodic frequencies.  Once you realize that, you can accomplish great and wonderful things.  Why do you think Gospel music is still so popular?  It’s the message behind the music!  With the right message, the music practically writes itself.  Certain harmonies and chords are struck at the right times to make the message more or less important, more or less dramatic, more or less loving or angry or factual or fanciful– whatever you feel– it can be something that’s needed, or needed in your own life~!

This new year is something that’s going to be bountiful.  A year full of choices, full of truly amazing things for you to discover, realize and put to good use.  We’re all struggling to figure out what’s all happening all at once.  Watch the skies:  there’s some stuff out there that’s going to startle and amaze you!  Listen to your heart:  there’s some stuff around you, near you, just within your grasp that you’re going to rediscover, and it’s going to change your life!  Take a little time to relax, curl up with an LP, a 45 or that favorite mix tape that you’ve had for oh so long, and take a really good listen– it’s going to reveal something that you’ve either never heard before or that you’ve long forgotten– and it’s going to make you realize there’s truly something missing in your life.  Music is what we can all get into.  It doesn’t matter where we’re from or who we are; all that matters is that we can make music, listen to music, whistle, hum or sing– it all comes from deep within– it all comes from someone’s soul, to your ears, and deep inside, resonating with our lives and helping us to learn who we really and truly are.

I’m going to leave this here.  For everyone has their own meaning for the music in their lives.  Let’s live this new year as if we, as individuals with an opinion and a conscience, believe in the everlasting touch of music.

Music can, and will, conquer all~!