My Sister: The Family Assassin

I had been refraining from telling my readers about the real names of my family members for fear of them trying to out me or for other evil purposes. For all intents and purposes, this ends today! My sister Bobbi, whom I love and respect, decided without my permission, to borrow something that I borrowed to her, borrowed to her daughter, my niece. I tried to tell her that, after the fact, that she should have asked my permission. She refused stating that she was in her rights to do as she pleased.

I tried to reason with her and she refused, then started to yell and scream at me first. She wanted to keep the item for another month so she and her friend Marvin can reap the rewards of my benefit. I told her that was not acceptable. She then proceeded to tell me that my nephew was not supposed to tell me at all about her intentions. This was the straw that broke the camel’s back… (Pun intended– it is Hump Day, after all! LOL)

I was in the process of posting some new photos of me on Facebook, where we’re listed together as family. She sees my posts. She comments “Robert Mussell”… I kindly respond back that she has no right to try to out me like this. She then responds with a few other tidbits of verbal clash, and finally “unfriends” me from her Facebook. What am I to do?

It is a Federal offense that she has this item, with my name upon it, for which she’s just doling out to whomever she deems worthy of my benefit. I won’t go into specifics, but I use it on a monthly basis to take care of my needs.

I am in the process of taking steps and actions to get this problem legally fixed and dealt with. Suffice it to say, “ye who sews, so ye shall reap!”

Here’s the note I was going to post to her Facebook messages, of which I am now blocked too. I place it here, in it’s entirety because someone needs to know that I am angry but not vindictive.

–message starts–
I really appreciate the simple little fact that you’ve decided to kick me out of your life because I disagree with your actions. I think I have an opportunity to make something of myself now that I’m more comfortable in my own skin; but I guess that’s just something that you’ll never comprehend.

I dislike the fact you blocked me from Facebook. I dislike the little fact that I borrowed something of vital importance to me, and you’ve decided to borrow it to someone else, without my permission, and then, after the fact, tell me what you did. Asking permission would have been peachy, but apparently it never occurred to you to do so. Upon that fact, I learned afterward, almost two weeks later, that you’re going to use that for another month and demanding I remove the rest of my belongings from your house is totally beyond comprehension and reprehensible! You know full well where I live and with whom I live; where am I to store those things?

I honestly thought you were my sister, my own flesh and blood, and not subject to fits of unmitigated rage and unnecessary emotional outbursts; I guess I was wrong. I guess you never really cared for me, my realization of who I truly am, and the love I shared with you. I hope you are truly happy with your decisions.
You owe me one huge apology for trying to out me on Facebook. You need to stop being selfish and start looking out for someone other than Numero Uno, because you are a wonderful caring person, when you’re not under your own yoke of oppression and being paranoid of whom you let into your little world. You invited me in with open arms. Now, you’ve decided, that all I’m worth is $200 and a nice swift kick in the pants.

No matter what happens, I love you. I will always love you. Turning your back on me, during a time of anger and resentment, will always end regretfully and harsh, hurting those whom you love, and those around you who trust you and love you; it does not matter if it’s me or someone else you ‘thought’ you cared about, it regretfully ends.

I am a very understanding and thoughtful person, even under the worst of times, thinking of others and trying to help. I had been trying to come up with a way to thank you for helping me when I received my money, but I guess you’d rather kick me out of your life than trying to work this out.

I also read what you wrote to Anthony. I was not in the living room when he was ‘talking’ to you. I was in the kitchen making a late breakfast. I would not stoop to that kind of level, for any reason. I guess I truly know who you are.

Thank you for never trusting me, never caring about me, and using our family connection to get whatever you wanted out of me because you though I “owed it to you!” You need to stop.
–message ends–

I feel a whole slew of emotions right now. Anger. Loathe. Regret. Heartache. There’s lots more, but it’s all relative right now… >_<

My emotional state is a mass of nerves, depression that my own sister (my own family) would rather use me than love me, and take from me that which I am entitled to for my well-being. Money was never on the agenda, but it seems that this is all she's after me for– no matter how she gets it.

Yes, I do owe others money and they will be paid back, but they are on my time and list. Not any time sooner than I can. I am diabetic and forcing my nephew and his family to foot my bill for two months is unacceptable! One month is tolerable. (I also suffer from severe depression and migraines, but that's for another time… lol)

I have every recourse to report her actions and deal with the consequences. I am not the kind of person to just roll over and take it, especially when I've been taken advantage of. I don't believe in blackmail or taking advantage of a situation. I just never realized she would be this vindictive or heartless.

I guess I've learned my lesson and will refuse to help her at this point.

(Your comments are welcome…)

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Two Sides of the Same Coin

If there’s something that most people believe in, in this day and age, is God. But why are there so many different ways to believe? I believe what The Bible’s scriptures advise me. Nowhere in The Bible does it say that we, as a community, are to be feared, loathed and hated with such fierceness, that it makes me want to stop being a Christian! My version of choice: the King James Version (KJV).

We are all God’s Children! Created equally. Breathed life into equally. Given intelligence, imagination and insight equally! So where do you so-called “Good Christians” get off telling the world “God hates Gays!”?

I believe that if more Bible-thumpers and Anti-Gay Christians would actually read the KJV of the Bible and comprehend those scriptures, they would not be bashing us with they’re hateful rhetoric. And why is it always GAY and not LESBIAN?

I found a video, posted to my Facebook wall, that is very poignant. Here’s the link. “The Truth about Homosexuality” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eUnAFWvXKLE

I am a transgender MtF and have been hiding as a man for many many years. I am also Lesbian. I know this to be true. I am one of many who struggle with my existence everyday, as I cannot find work locally. I don’t really know who

As human beings, upon Planet Earth, we are all a part of a Global Community. These rights should be *granted* to all of mankind, including all women everywhere, to allow free expression, the allowance for marriage, and to be treated as equals no matter where we go.

I do not condone this kind of behavior when I go to church. I don’t feel comfortable when people look upon me with judgement and disgust when I dress appropriately for me, and attend church when I go. For me, this is unacceptable and unhealthy, to be judged without my saying a word, but only by how I dress.

We are at the crossroads of equality, as Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. was when he had spoken his “I have a Dream” speech. We are truly being persecuted for who we are and what we believe in. Why can we not have equal rights? Why are we looked upon with disgust, disdain and hatred?

There is no Homosexuality Bug! We are not stricken with Cooties! HIV and AIDS are in the world, but not because of Homosexuals, but because of animals and scientists. It has come to us through the mishandling of bodily fluids from infected animals, and not through gay sex. Laws and policies were instituted to help protect people from mishandling bodily fluids, and those are still in effect, moreso now then ever.

The idea is that we’re all good people, Christian or not. Two sides of the same coin; heads and tails. There should be tolerance and acceptance of our differences, not fear- and hate-mongering. This kind of behavior should be stopped. It’s a form of bullying, and bullying, in all of it’s forms, must be stopped. We live in, what I call, Special Times! By believing in what we believe, and knowing what we know, we should all come to the conclusion that we are all a part of something wonderful.

Fear is what these people are trying to pander with their propaganda. Stand up against it. Become and ally to someone you know who is different, regardless of illness, religion or sexual preference/identity, and help her to achieve all she can be!

The question that sticks with me, even now: “Can’t we all just get along?”

A Plea for Help and Assistance

I have been struggling with my transition and these last two weeks have been outstanding. I finally found a primary physician who is willing to assist me in my transition and my other medical ailments, and a counselor who, though not fully up to speed with the medical needs of LGBT patients, is willing to do his own research to assist me in my endeavors.

I am looking forward to meeting with my endocrinologist around the 31st of July, as I have to reschedule the appointment due to another family member getting a surgery out of state that day. I have to babysit those three days (30, 31 July and 1 Aug). Not getting paid for it, either.

My plea comes from the heart. I am unemployed and have been for since the beginning of June. The job I had was not paying me every week I was working, just alternate weeks and had taken money out of my last check to pay a friend who worked there. (Took it out without my permission.) Also, he let me go because I informed the business owner, the office manager and my supervisor that I was not gay (as they had suspected, since I applied a a guy at my friend’s insistence) and that I was a woman and identified myself as female.

I put my plea on Facebook a few days ago at the behest of a close friend of mine from Iowa. I had four people offer me assistance, but of those 4, only one could offer some kind of funds. My friend in Iowa is in the process of sending me $18. It’s a start, but it’s not the whole amount. My first visit with my endocrinologist is going to be $355, not to mention medicine and hormones.

I asked one of my nieces, one who’s closer to me in age than any of my other nieces, to see if she could assist me in this. Here’s my plea:
– – – – –
i know it’s been a while. i love you no matter what. hope all’s good for you and yours.
i posted about having issues with my endocrinologist on the 31st and they want $355 for my first visit! ouch@
i’m asking for a small bit, not all of it. i had to plead my case and ask. i have had 3 replies (one was an offer of $18) the rest were b/c they were in the middle of their own crises.
could you help?
– – – – –

This is her response:
– – – – –
I have 3 children to take care of. ur kidding right? i havent seen or heard from u in how long? just seens rude to me that u rnt doin this for yourself. its ur journey, no one else’s! ask them, the ones ur living w or, another idea, get a job or seek assistance from the state for medical. i cant help u n wont. sorry. my kids need all we have, so do our bills.
– – – – –
[Inserted punctuation. – RobynnP]

So I retorted with:
– – – – –
i have been looking for work since i got to mississippi and had one, until i informed my bosses of my transition and what my goals were. i got fired over it. still cannot find work. anton and shaun don’t have the extra cash to spare; anton’s struggling for hours @ walmart. i have a hearing for SSD sometime in the next 20 months AND all i can get here is food stamps. everything else i have to pay for out of pocket– there’s no agencies or free clinics anywhere in mississippi– i’m running out of things to sell and i’m going to be starting with body parts soon. so why not cut me a little slack. i was only asking to see if you could spare a small amount (like $5.00 or so); not the entire frakking bill! i know it’s a struggle for everyone in this shit economy. i’ve had 17 interviews since getting fired at the beginning of june; no one wants to hire me. NO ONE! trying to get online work, that’s tough too. all i have is my games company and i’ve been struggling with that for almost 5 years (longer if you consider my loosely starting it back in 1995), and my computer repair/virus removal services. that’s hard to get work, tho i have business cards, and have put them out; no one wants to hire someone that has a long-distance number, even if i have the word LOCAL on the cards! you seem to think that i’m not trying. you seem to think that i’m taking this out on you; i am not. that’s not what i am seeking nor is that of any intent or goal. i am doing whatever i can to get this taken care of and with your attitude and sarcasm, i’d rather sell my soul to the devil and tell all of my family to *^@# off. you hurt me to the core by assuming i’m not helping myself. you can stick your sarcasm elsewhere. i will never ask you for anything again.
– – – – –
[Edited for names and cursing –RobynnP]

I am understandably upset. Moreso, I feel very depressed when someone whom I love dearly kicks me when I’m down like this. I feel so self-conscious and less than human when people whom I trust and seemed to be allies decide that I’m no longer worth their time and love.

What can I do? I’d sell a kidney for $25,000 if I knew it would be a legitimate practice and it was going to help some needy child live longer. I’d even donate my ‘male parts’ (that would be discarded during my Gender Affirmation Surgery) to a transgender FtM so he can be and feel whole. (I know someone who would benefit greatly from it, my brother-in-arms, Toren. Just wondering if he’d be willing… Just wondering…)

I don’t want to go to extremes, here, but I need help with this. If I had an opportunity to do some graphic design work for an advertising agency or a graphic design company to design banners, logos and other such things. I just don’t know where to turn.

I have contacted The Ellen Degeneres Show on several occasions only to get no response. My latest was just yesterday (24 July). I was trying to explain about myself and what I’m struggling with and what has happened with me since last October (October 2012), but it’s a little hard with a rough 2000 characters. I would love to have some kind of exposure and some kind of assistance to get me up and running, able to transition, work and make a living to support this, but it seems that I can’t even rub two sticks together to make fire, much less make money with it.

If there was anyone out there with any information that could help me, please drop it to me and/or send it my way. Please, anything would help: information, pre-paid pre-loaded debit card, cashiers’ check or personal check; whatever you may be willing to help me with would be greatly appreciated.

I am looking forward to my surgery, I’d welcome cameras and media coverage if anyone would be interested in that. (I’m looking squarely at you LogoTV!) Please, I’d even sell my story to Lifetime or LogoTV so I can pay my bills and get on the right track.

PLEASE HELP…

My NEW Revelation

For all of my friends and cohorts who know me, know of me and can call me family (you know who you are), I have been struck with a revelation just today! I am not transgender, I am transsexual. I am working to get that stigma understood for my friends and family to really understand, but I think time will be the best healer and leveler of the playing field, so to speak.

I feel strange about this revelation. I feel stupid about it, though. One thought in one direction and multiple in another, and it led me to the Logo TV website. Another couple of hours later and I stumbled upon “TRANSform Me”, a television series that takes three transsexual women and make-over a pleading woman who lacks her own style and fashion sense. It’s a wonderful program. I enjoyed it.

I am looking for some assistance. I live in Mississippi and not too many people here are up-to-speed about the LGBTQ lifestyle, much less our community. It totally sucks about what I am doing in my new job. My roommate, who also used to work for my boss, told me to “dress like a guy to get the job, but work through it a few weeks and gradually change it up.” I couldn’t completely do that; I brought my purse the first day, and dug through it to get my hairbrush and my pens and cellphone. Sorry, I will reveal all, but not too soon. (I wear my man-pants like I would as a woman would, and I like it better that way.) I do wear “t-shirts” but are just pull-over blouses that look like close-fitting t-shirts. It does help me to feel better while working in a mostly female environment.

After coming home sick on Friday with laryngitis, and trying to stay out of the family’s way while I recuperated, I surfed the internet for some stuff and played Eve Online, too. I’m still struggling to stay warm in a warm house; frequent chills are getting me down. (I might have something that I don’t want to go to hospital for; I got out of there for pneumonia in early April, and I don’t think I recovered from it.)

I like my job, don’t get me wrong, but it’s harder than most telemarketing jobs I’ve had. There’s no training course to get through. There’s no hand-holding here. It’s all about the quantity of the calls you make and how to get back into the mix when you’ve gotten a bad call or an answering machine or the customer on the other end forgets who you are and why you’re calling and makes you look like a fool (that part’s recorded).

I now have a purpose and a direction. I need to have my surgery, grab my paperwork and assess what needs to be fixed first, then go from there. The easiest one: my Social Security card. The hardest I think will be my drivers’ license and passport. I can’t wait to get this underway! I need a job to carry on making money to do these things; without one, I cannot even start hormone therapy and counseling. I feel this job is a step backwards and it feels like someone is swatting my hands with a wooden ruler every time I try to make forward strides.

The family I live with love me, the kids don’t want me to move. I can understand that, too. I do love it here. I feel better here than I do at my sisters’ homes; B’s home is smoke-filled because she and my brother-in-law both smoke. C’s home isn’t so bad, but she’ll go into any room with a lit cigarette and then apologize when she’s in the one I’m borrowing. Her husband, T, chews tobacco, and that’s not as bad as second- and third-hand smoke.

I discovered that my closest counseling location is in Gulfport, MS. That’s quite a distance from where I currently reside. I don’t want people to think I’m lazy or disrespectful, but that’s nowhere near Tupelo! I want something closer to me. (If I can have a lawyer assist me with getting Medicare for my diabetes and depression, then I’m one step closer… I think.)

So tired of people giving me the run-around and telling me they can’t help me unless I have some sort of income! That’s monetary discrimination! Everywhere I turn, if I don’t have the money, I can’t get the treatment I need. I have bill collectors already hounding me for money, for a 3 1/2 day hospital stay! It totals to almost $9000! Moved to another state and I’m in debt already– within the first 6 months– is the state of my luck!? I sure hope not.

What can someone like me, in dire straits, do to get the help I need? Should I check myself into a mental health facility, tell them about my suicidal tendencies due to my depression and lack of support system? What options do I have short of getting labeled disturbed or insane? I’m caught between a rock and a hard place and can’t seem to get enough purchase to thrust myself away. Please help me.

Whenever I can, I check my Yahoo!Groups for the latest conversations and pictures. I want to have these kinds of good things happen to me, too, but I cannot where I am living! Florida, in the county where I moved from, I was denied all kinds of care related to my transsexual nature: hormone therapy, individual counseling, AND surgery. Denied them ALL! I was on county healthcare, and they took care of my diabetes supplies and meds, my depression and ‘head shrinking’ meds– all of it!– yes for something as simple as getting prepared for my transition and making way for the new me: FORGET IT! They apparently thought that I didn’t count. I didn’t matter. They had their medical stuff covered, whatever it was; I didn’t because, apparently, I’m just barely human enough to be considered human, to partake in that medical system. I have to purchase medical insurance out of my own pocket, and with my job, I don’t even think I can do that right now…

If I had some way to get the treatment I need, the connection to others like me in a location I can call home, I would be so happy right now! I am so depressed right now, and sick, that I’m thinking about “it” while I’m playing with my tiny multi-tool. I just need someone to hold me close, and tell me “everything’s going to be okay” and really mean it. I’m struggling to keep a fresh face and happy mood. This facade-crap I have to play at work is really getting me down! I think that’s my I’m ill now, too.

Why should I compromise my values and ethics for a boss who has no clue about who I am? I want to tell him. Nowhere on the application did it list GENDER. Nowhere! I am not a man, I am a woman who has needs and wants and goals and feelings.

Please leave your comments. I want your advice and assistance in this. If anyone is interested in hiring me for logo design, font work and other such graphics, please comment below. I want to move in the worst way, have a valid drivers’ license, and want to get out of Mississippi in the worst way!

Midnight Revelation

Not sure where to put this or how to express how I truly feel, but that’s why we blog, isn’t it?

Over this week I’ve been trying to help the 16-year old daughter of my friends, with whom I’m am a guest in their home (along with their 18-year old, and another 6 (2 additional girls and 4 boys) ranging from 11(?) to 2 years) and have been for almost a month.  They wanted a 2-week trial, and I stepped it up and ran with it; they accepted me:  all of them.  Most of the youngest call me “uncle”, but the oldest 3 call me “aunt”; we’re not related, but I don’t really mind.  I miss that kind of family life.

I’m going to be filling out an employment application at a local insurance telemarketing agency that P had worked for previously.  I am so nervous.  I have been living as a woman since October (2012), and the gentleman who owns the place is a nice man and a pastor of a local church. P informed me of a few things:  dress less like a woman and more like a man when filling out the app and for the interview (just land the job, you can carry on from there); earn some money and start getting the things you’re going to need; upon employment, we had agreed I’d pay some into the household for my living expenses.  I feel I’m making strides, but backwards in this situation.  I’m a woman, not a man.  That was something I hoped I’d never go back to!  The Manly Life!  I’m a woman and that’s all there is to it!

I have struggled to make things happen and convince people in the community that I am a woman.  I carry a purse.  I wear my hair a certain way.  I wear makeup, but not excessively.  I dress in women’s clothing!  I know, deep inside, that a woman is who I am– not the manly facade that I had to create to keep my father happy about his son– and I don’t want to do back on that!  Ever!  I had a tough time with it around my former landlord when I came out to him and my former fiancee.  He told me that I was not to cross-dress on his property; he was afraid of his grandchildren asking too many questions about me.  I told him he wouldn’t have to worry.  Almost a week later, I moved out.  I felt insecure.  I felt exposed; almost to the point of complete nakedness!

I knew I had a place to go.  P&M’s!  That’s months ago!

Being here, living with P&M (this is a different P&M than the first one) and their 8 children (the other P&M only had 1 child) is different and kind of fun.  Many of them have mental issues, problems with interacting with others, ADD, habitual lying, and other such disorders… (Wow!  I fit right in! LOL)  P has told me that she can say stuff without thinking, and I told her that was fine.  A small incident happened, and I let it go; P apologized to me about it.  If I don’t hear it, that’s fine.  If I do, I can and have been known to take offense.  I tend to let it roll off my back; she means no harm or malice toward me.

My bras have been feeling like fiberglass lately.  Not sure if it’s something related to the high humidity, my perspiration, my deodorant, the laundry detergent or a combination of those that’s making any kind of bra uncomfortable to wear.  It seems that I may have misplaced my power adapter for my electric razor and my sunglasses case; they are somewhere in this house!  I had them moving into the split bedroom, but I cannot find them to save my life.  I just don’t get it; they don’t just get up and walk away!  One of the older kids may have taken them to school not realizing what they were, realizing what they were and wanted to sell or get rid of them, or hid them on me to find months from now.  I really needed my sunglasses today!  My eyes were bugging out of my head, and I was not impaired by a sinus infection.  They hurt like that sometimes.

Found the cord to my razor!  I remember putting something there (one of my cloth grocery shopping bags) and had forgotten it was there.  Oops!  Sorry, kids!  That could mean that my sunglasses could be in here, too!  Hooray!

I don’t necessarily want to revisit my male alter-ego again.  I don’t!  I did things that I regret; I did things that I didn’t, but it all comes down to who I know I am!  I guess I’m living in the past, dwelling on things that I regret, and not finding a way to resolve them.  Maybe my father was reading into something that I didn’t know, or acknowledge, after my mother died; I may never know.  If this is how things are supposed to be, then why does this interview/employment app scare me?  I don’t want to step back into the cowl of darkness and re-explore my demons, my darkness, my testosterone-fueled short fuse-snapping anger fits!  That in itself scares me!

I live in the Bible Belt of the US!  Mississippi!  In a tiny little town, where I can walk about 400 feet to the public library out the front door.  I can walk to the closest grocery store about 8 blocks away.  In that same distance I can cut through the hospital-dedicated exercise path and reach the duck pond.  Much of the things that are in this town are within walking distance.  Walk across the street, same side as the house and library, and where the library sits, there’s a big white Baptist church!  No joke!  There’s a mental health counselor on the main street only about 5 blocks from here.  (I wonder whether they can help someone like me from the LGBTQ community.  If not, I can grab the information online for them to take a look and go from there.  Otherwise, I’d have to go to Gulfport!  That’s about a 8 hour drive, one way, and I don’t have a car!)

I am uneasy.  I am nervous.  I am wondering about this possible job and that I need employment; just stick to it, and I will prosper.  I know all that!  I want to do it my way!  That’s what I want.  Just really scared…  I do have some anxiety with this ‘reversion’ and I’m not liking it.

Wish me luck.  I’m turning in for the night…  Please pray for me and we’ll see where this goes.

Thanks.

Enemies over Friends

I have a ‘friend’ who believes she’s still close to me.  She also believes I may have forgotten about the money she owes me for some sleep medication.  Every time I see her on Facebook or on Skype, I say “Hi” or “Hey” and she signs off or shuts off her phone.  She knows she owes me this money and it’s been since after Thanksgiving last year (1012) that she’s kept telling me that she will pay me.  Then the excuses and the monies she received from a death in her family, and more excuses.  I’m not even sure if she’d talk to me on the phone, but I am sick of her avoiding me and hiding herself away from me.  We had been intimate between her former fiancee and her current one; nothing for her current fiancee to worry about.  I loved her like a friend (with benefits) but I knew that would not happen often and I was happy with that.

This is when things started getting pretty weird and our friendship started taking a turn for the worse…  Her current fiancee is a very jealous man.  He, thinking I’m doing this for the attention and the money, seems to be afraid of what I might do with his girlfriend; he still thinks of me a a guy, too, so that’s his loss.

She and I have had our intimate connections from time to time while she was with her ex.  Truthfully, being with her in that way felt so right on so many levels, but having the anatomy I have is what makes this kind of thing exceptionally foreign to me.  We enjoyed each other, but ultimately I knew who I was, though not why.

The tirade that I’m in the process of posting to her, I also want to post to a few friends to let them know my intentions, and how I intend to exact justice, but that I will be striking her from my Facebook account and my Skype contacts.  She has really set me off, and I finally got up the courage to explain how I truly feel about this.

To Lexi:

You ask for stuff in the games we play mutually and I give it freely.  That’s what I do and how I am supposed to treat people (it’s in the Bible).  You still will not pay me back that little bit.  I am struggling to find work here, starting a business with a couple of friends I made while living here, and the family I’m a nanny for loves me and my cooking!

When you dissed me before I left, I thought you’d never want to see me or talk to me for as long as you lived.  That’s exactly how I felt.  I’m sorry for all the crap that I did for you out of the kindness and friendship we shared.  I’m so upset and angry with you and your actions that I’m not sure what to do.

I love you in a way that Stefan will never understand, and with that you should respect me for the discovering who I am and where I’m going with in this journey.  I love who I am now and not even you can stand in the way of my progress!

Lately, you’ve been disrespecting me when I see you’re on Facebook or Skype and I offer a simple “Hi”, you shut me out.  You immediately hop off like I’ve just e-slapped you in the face.  You promised me you’d pay me.  You said with your own mouth and mind.  Stefan was there to hear it too.  Would you like me to tell him about those few times where we were intimate and I helped satisfy you?  If you don’t, I would seriously recommend you pay me.

Understand, if you were in my position, wouldn’t you want me to pay you back?  I did things that were against my moral compass, because my best friend asked me to.  You know I don’t usually do those kinds of things, but I did so you could be happy.  (I just wish it was a different relationship, is all– us I mean and *NOT* you and Stefan.)

We truly had some real heart-to-heart talks in your green Buick.  I loved that car!  What happened to that scared girl from northern Florida?  What happened to the girl who called me when she found out she was pregnant by some guy who took advantage of you, while in the Navy?  I told you then how I felt.  I knew Matthew wouldn’t understand, but he’d just roll over (like all those time you and he got intimate) and I’d be able to stake a claim in your life.  I loved you then.  I still do…

The things between us have changed.  I feel I need to stop hoping for that *never-ending romance*, that *hopeless romance* that I told you about.  The one where we split from our significant others and embrace what we have together.  With my new-found personal discovery and my yearning for a special friend, one who knows me, I hoped we could figure all of that out– it never came– and you shirked me, tossed me to the wayside *AND* complained that I was taking too long bathing because you were going to a movie with Stefan.

What kind of friend would promise their best friend to lend a helping hand and spend time with her when you may never see her again?  Why would you make me feel so insignificant, almost as if I’m lying to you about moving, and taking it upon yourself to not pick up the phone and call me; or even answer when I called!?  Did you not have any intestinal fortitude to stand up to Stefan just this once and make my last night in Gibsonton one that we would both remember?

… … Apparently not.  Apparently you never cared.  Apparently you used me.  You used my writing expertise.  You used my knowledge of sexual intimacy for your own gains.  You used me and used me and used me, but when I needed a little hand (or some money when I sold to you a few personal things), you turn your back on me like a little crying puppy or a child you’re trying to teach to live away from you for a few hours.  Mechele and Paul saw how I was the night before, crying, weeping, hoping you’d come and help and visit.  Mechele called Stefan about you coming over; he told her he didn’t know anything about what you told me and that he didn’t mind you coming over.  You gave a mathematics homework excuse…  Then the following day, you even told me the day before if not then, “tomorrow”.  I called you all day.  From my phone, Paul and Mechele’s phone and did not even answer.  Again making me feel helpless and useless.  Stefan didn’t even want to be disturbed over it.  Around 5:30 you called back and told Mechele that Stefan had a computer issue and Pat was there to help fix it; you HAD to watch the puppies.  You could have put them outside, gotten in your car and came to see me.  You didn’t, then upon getting there, you and Stefan try to rush me out of the bath.  You and Stefan also got read the Riot Act by both Paul and Mechele!  Where the hell were your priorities that night!?  Why the broken promise!?

I guess I only rated as a useable friend.  One whom you could pull the wool over her eyes and lambaste when things didn’t go right for you.  I am supposed to be *YOUR* best friend!  Why have you treated me as less than Human?  Paul and Mechele have allowed me into their home without prejudice, without hate, without a care knowing I would do them no harm.  Both you and Stefan have this preconceived notion that I am doing this for attention or that I’m doing this for monetary gain; if that was true, where’s all my money?  Where’s all my worldly possessions?  Where’s my purple Kia Soul?  Where’s my Xbox slim?  Where’s my 64″ flat panel 120Hz LCD widescreen television?  Where’s my airplane tickets to Spain, Ireland and Japan?

If you give me any more excuses why you have not paid me, then consider this:  you’re through being my friend; you’re not even an acquaintance of mine; not a colleague or a co-worker…  You’re just some dumb twat that I used to know who screwed me over for a measly $90.

The ball is now in your court.  The next move is yours.  Make it count.

This is exactly how I feel.  I want her to understand that she needs to pay back her debt and then things can be happy and proper again.  Just as it was when we first met working at WalMart in Gibsonton– the under-appreciated electronics co-worker and the electronics ‘mastermind’ for fielding customers questions– gathering ourselves and talking in her car for hours after work.  I knew we were both looking for similar things in life; I told her I’d never hurt her.  Now, this whole thing is hurting me more than I care to express…

I care for her and care about her.  Her SO thinks highly of her, but barely shows it.  He’d rather spend time off work relaxing playing games than relaxing and being close and intimate with her.  That’s what she’s missing in her life; an intimate connection.  Now that I’m no longer there, she’s got to deal with it on her own…

What the Hell is Wrong with Family?!

I was in the hospital for 4 days suffering from pneumonia and an extreme pain in my lower abdomen, testicles and scrotum.  Apparently that was attributed to an overdose of antihistamines and a flash of diabetic neuropathy.  I may now be allergic to antihistamines and I’m not liking that assessment…  I did manage to feel better and get through the toughest part of the pneumonia, antibiotics working to help me kick the infection.  I was given a prescription and sent on my way…  I didn’t want to leave; there were a couple nurses and orderlies (they’re not called that anymore O.o) that I wanted to ask out, but I only got to ask one and she turned me down. (sad face)

Needless to say I had a treat when my niece and sister I hadn’t seen in nearly 24 years shows up at the hospital and wants to see me get better (T).  My other two sisters were there (C and B), and we hadn’t been together since our mother was alive.  This was a treat…

A family friend of B’s had a heart attack and was admitted to the same hospital and she went to see him.  C and my niece (J) went for a cigarette and to check on the puppies in the car J and T had driven in from Georgia.  Mike was with T and she pulled him aside, out in the hallway after meeting me for about 10 minutes, and asked him, without my permission, if I could stay with him to help him with his twins and look after him.  How rude!  I didn’t know this man and she’s forcing him on me like some kind of deranged pimp or something.  I told Mike that I appreciated the offer and that I would have to think about it.  He agreed.

When C came up, she brought me some clean clothes.  She told me that I had undies in those clothes; I didn’t look well enough to find them and thought she didn’t.  I told her I didn’t find them.  (This was just before she and J left for a smoke.)  T and Mike left to smoke and J came back up; C had to make a couple of phone calls and stayed downstairs.  When J, T and Mike came back, I was served my lunch.  It looked just awful, and it nearly smelled the same way.  T offered to go get some lunch for the 4 of us and I wrote my order down for Subway.   I also wrote down J’s order and Mike and T left for lunch retrieval.

I told J that I did not have clean undies and she called her mom, T, and tells her about it.  She goes to Walmart and searches for some, HJMS and while T’s searching she’s still talking to J on the phone (size, colors, and other such things).  Sometimes T can’t find certain things when they’re right before her eyes; typical T.  She asks about FoTL, asks the size again and picks up a three pack.  Little did I know B was coming back to the room.  She was peckish and wanted some lunch too.  J called T to stop by McDonald’s to pick up a Big Mac and a Dr Pepper.  She agrees.

J and I talked about her mom with B offering her bits about T’s overbearing nature.  I told T several times in phone conversations that “… [she] needs a good woman in her life.”  She kept thinking I was talking about her turning lesbian and following that path.  I was talking about her finding a good woman for a friend and someone to confide in, other than her daughter J who she considers more of a friend than her own daughter.  I also tried to explain to J that T’s been trying to usurp her control over J’s household at home, and J informs me that when T tries, J leaves the house to cool off, and to let T realize what she’s did to run J off.  (We’ve had several conversations about T and it always ends up with J leaving the house and T staying there.)

T’s plan is for Mike and his twins to move to Georgia, to be with her, in J’s house.  J has a lot of room, but is not ready to have children in her home, much less a stranger’s.  We have had conversations about other things, and this one stuck in J’s craw.  Her hubby, Anton, is in Iraq, trying to help rebuild some infrastructure that was lost over the war.  Anton known of T’s tirades and bullying.  Too bad Anton can’t reach out to J and find out about the conditions of the household.

As I was getting ready to check out of the Health Hotel, I asked one of the orderlies (Natalie) if she was seeing anyone.  She told me she was.  I gave her my number.  She accepted it.  I was so happy.  C helped me out with B’s netbook and my other belongings.  (I borrowed it on my trip to C’s to stay for a while while we tried to get me into the TVRHA in Tupelo.)  I had a feeling they were going to keep me for a few days; too bad I didn’t have the forethought to grab clothing too.

C and I got to Walmart and I turned in my prescription.  We had a little shopping to do and we covered most of the store.  I was in a powered cart because it still hurt to walk (lower abdomen, etc.), and she had a regular shopping cart.  We parted for a little bit while I went back to the pharmacy to see if my prescription was filled.  C went into the next aisle to field a call from T.  C told me that I had talked to P&M about staying at their place; we were just talking, nothing set in stone yet.  C also told her about her calling a few days previous; T told her that she had just checked her phone and it was in her purse.

Misconstrued information and about two hours later, I’m talking to P on Skype and we’re having a great conversation.  A good back and forth about the possibilities of my staying with her and M and her 8 kids.  I thought that would be wonderful.  So did she.  T calls and asks to speak to me, she thought that C told her I was moving into P&M’s home and that C had dropped me off there.  T was on speakerphone and I was on Skype with P.  P told T twice about my being on Skype and not at her home; T didn’t want to hear it!  She started yelling at P about lying that I was there.  P hung up on her.

P and I started back again.  I left my mic near my cell, on speakerphone, so P could hear my conversation with T.  She told me about some crap that C had lied to her about my being over at P&M’s; T also said she talked to Mike.  Mike had called P and it had nothing to do with T and her crap with me and C, in the interim.  I told T that it was ultimately my decision and that P and I were still talking about it.

T started yelling at me again.  In the hospital, when she yelled, I lost my respect for her.  What the Hell?!  This time I wasn’t taking it.  I called J back on the home phone to just talk to her, and the conversation started pretty normal.  I kept the mic situation the same way as before.  I never knew T was so paranoid that she had picked up the extension and listened in on our conversation.  I told J that her mother was a bully.  That’s when all Hell broke loose!  T started yelling and told me I was an idiot for thinking that.  That’s when I hung up.  P thought I fainted away and asked if I was okay.  I said I wasy.

Talking to P, I told her that T needs to seek professional help.  Our conversation went back to something else, I don’t really remember what it was about.  Tina calls back and apologizes about her tirade, crying crocodile tears, and trying to get me to accept her apology and to forgive her negativity.  All I replied was “Uh huh.” for all of her questions.  I was typing to P and she was listening.  As soon as the conversation began to turn, T immediately stopped her faux sadness and began to get fixated on some stuff about C and about B, and I told her they had nothing to do with my decision and where I’m going to stay.  Then T starts to accuse me of withholding information from her.  Yes, I didn’t want her to know I was staying in Tupelo with B.  Yes, I didn’t tell her I moved from Florida to Mississippi.  She never told me that she moved from Mississippi to Georgia for almost 4 months.  I found out looking at her Skype profile!  I asked her about looking at my Skype profile.  Her response:  “I never looked at it.  I don’t have to.”  Then more about how she’s been trying to get this done, get that done, and wanting Mike and I to travel to Georgia and visit over the summer.

I told her that I wouldn’t right now because I’m not comfortable with the way she forced me on him at the hospital the day before.  She started yelling at me again.  I hung up.

P and I parted ways on Skype and I went to bed.  P was amazed that T would not let stuff go…  She did live with T for a few months, too.  She and M knew!

Here’s something that I wrote today to J on Facebook about how I have perceived T, her mom, and that I’m no longer considering anything she says nor am I allowing her to interfere with my life and my future.

—Facebook Tirade Starts—

Yesterday
J:  Hey I’m sorry about earlier I didn’t know my mother was on the phone

Today
7:05pm
Me:  that’s fine. i explained how i felt, imho, to you in the texts i sent this morning.

i love you. i always will. you’re mom needs to stay out of my life for what she’s trying to do. she needs to stop trying to be “the good Christian” and learn to be a loving caring meaningful person who is not always on the defensive

7:11pm
Me:  T needs to understand that her ways are driving the people she ‘supposedly’ loves the most out of her life. judgement will come, but not from me, from God, and when she realizes that’s all she’s doing is judging people, and running roughshod over them for ‘apparently’ not listening to her side, then she is welcome back. until she seeks professional care, enters some kind of psychiatric ward to accept her real problems of “delusion”, “hysteria”, “paranoia”, and “lack of self control”, then i want nothing more to do with her.

7:13pm
Me:  as far as the reunion, off. if i feel we can have one, it’s not at your house. sorry, T’s got too much influence in your life. your husband needs to be a part of your life more (not saying he’s a bad man for being away and making a living), i’m just saying that it’s T that needs to vacate your house instead of you when she’s rampaging. she’s so quick to temper, quick to judge, and she’s always thinking that someone’s trying to pick on her, screw her over and mess with her head that she can’t see the forest for the trees. T’s a mess, and she needs assistance getting cleaned up.

7:16pm
Me:  i’m sorry, but that’s how i feel. that’s my opinion. if T thinks she can keep on keeping on the track she feels is most Christian, then <kiss> beautiful. if she comes to the realization that there’s a problem in her burning bridges of those who care about her the most, then she can find a short pier and take a long walk. i need not her kind of sisterly love and her flavor of Christianity in my life.

7:17pm
Me:  when i find someone i truly care about, a girlfriend or significant other who wants to spend the rest of her life with me, and T’s still like this, she’s not going to be welcome in my home.

C’s already told me that T’s no longer welcome in her home. C’s also fed up with T’s lies and untruths, as i am.

i’d call, but i’m afraid T’s going to jump on the phone, like last night, and try to call me into her rage and disappointment. sorry T, never going to happen again. you fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me! that’s where I am, J.

7:21pm
Me:  if you feel offended with what i’ve said about your mom, i was not trying to offend you in the least. i just wanted to say how i felt and wanted to vent; T, right now, is a bad influence in your life. she wants “what’s best for you” but had a twisted way of showing it– you do something that’s not ‘right’ in her eyes and instead of asking and showing what was wrong– she barks orders, screams and yells and tells you right where you need to go <straight to Hell>.

7:24pm
Me:  T needs to take some of her own advice and find herself a nice well-woven hand-basket, the biggest box of Life cereal she can find, and realize you, me, C and B are trying to give her the benefit of the doubt, but all T sees is a bunch of her siblings as talking heads, spouting off devilish things. we dislike her actions. we dislike what she says about us. we still love the person. wherever T is, we want that T back.

if you feel you need to call me, do so away from your house.

i love you

—Facebook Tirade Ends—

It’s not that I hate my sister.  Quite the opposite.  We find in our everyday lives joys, happiness, fun, turmoil and drama.  I prefer the drama I can turn off with a remote (or with a switch).  T seems to think she’s still in her 20s and had to bully her way back into our lives.  She used to be a kinder, gentler soul, but all the crap she’s been through, and the stuff she personally witnessed (or claims to) has twisted her mind.  We all suffer from some kind of mental states; me with my transgender realization; C with her becoming introverted when she needs to say something; B with her no nonsense attitude and truthful nature, telling someone how it is and how it affects her and the people around  her.

T is going to go off on the wrong people and find herself in a world of trouble.  I love her dearly, don’t get me wrong, but what the Hell is going on with her?  I’d love to drop some recordings of her craziness, but I wont to protect the privacy of those I deal with on a regular basis.  She needs to come to the realization that what she’s doing is wrong and seek help.  If not, help will be sought for her.  I can even do it from here, but J needs to do it from her home.  T needs some tough love and a Divine Intervention…

And I sincerely hope it comes soon.