Not sure where to put this or how to express how I truly feel, but that’s why we blog, isn’t it?
Over this week I’ve been trying to help the 16-year old daughter of my friends, with whom I’m am a guest in their home (along with their 18-year old, and another 6 (2 additional girls and 4 boys) ranging from 11(?) to 2 years) and have been for almost a month. They wanted a 2-week trial, and I stepped it up and ran with it; they accepted me: all of them. Most of the youngest call me “uncle”, but the oldest 3 call me “aunt”; we’re not related, but I don’t really mind. I miss that kind of family life.
I’m going to be filling out an employment application at a local insurance telemarketing agency that P had worked for previously. I am so nervous. I have been living as a woman since October (2012), and the gentleman who owns the place is a nice man and a pastor of a local church. P informed me of a few things: dress less like a woman and more like a man when filling out the app and for the interview (just land the job, you can carry on from there); earn some money and start getting the things you’re going to need; upon employment, we had agreed I’d pay some into the household for my living expenses. I feel I’m making strides, but backwards in this situation. I’m a woman, not a man. That was something I hoped I’d never go back to! The Manly Life! I’m a woman and that’s all there is to it!
I have struggled to make things happen and convince people in the community that I am a woman. I carry a purse. I wear my hair a certain way. I wear makeup, but not excessively. I dress in women’s clothing! I know, deep inside, that a woman is who I am– not the manly facade that I had to create to keep my father happy about his son– and I don’t want to do back on that! Ever! I had a tough time with it around my former landlord when I came out to him and my former fiancee. He told me that I was not to cross-dress on his property; he was afraid of his grandchildren asking too many questions about me. I told him he wouldn’t have to worry. Almost a week later, I moved out. I felt insecure. I felt exposed; almost to the point of complete nakedness!
I knew I had a place to go. P&M’s! That’s months ago!
Being here, living with P&M (this is a different P&M than the first one) and their 8 children (the other P&M only had 1 child) is different and kind of fun. Many of them have mental issues, problems with interacting with others, ADD, habitual lying, and other such disorders… (Wow! I fit right in! LOL) P has told me that she can say stuff without thinking, and I told her that was fine. A small incident happened, and I let it go; P apologized to me about it. If I don’t hear it, that’s fine. If I do, I can and have been known to take offense. I tend to let it roll off my back; she means no harm or malice toward me.
My bras have been feeling like fiberglass lately. Not sure if it’s something related to the high humidity, my perspiration, my deodorant, the laundry detergent or a combination of those that’s making any kind of bra uncomfortable to wear. It seems that I may have misplaced my power adapter for my electric razor and my sunglasses case; they are somewhere in this house! I had them moving into the split bedroom, but I cannot find them to save my life. I just don’t get it; they don’t just get up and walk away! One of the older kids may have taken them to school not realizing what they were, realizing what they were and wanted to sell or get rid of them, or hid them on me to find months from now. I really needed my sunglasses today! My eyes were bugging out of my head, and I was not impaired by a sinus infection. They hurt like that sometimes.
Found the cord to my razor! I remember putting something there (one of my cloth grocery shopping bags) and had forgotten it was there. Oops! Sorry, kids! That could mean that my sunglasses could be in here, too! Hooray!
I don’t necessarily want to revisit my male alter-ego again. I don’t! I did things that I regret; I did things that I didn’t, but it all comes down to who I know I am! I guess I’m living in the past, dwelling on things that I regret, and not finding a way to resolve them. Maybe my father was reading into something that I didn’t know, or acknowledge, after my mother died; I may never know. If this is how things are supposed to be, then why does this interview/employment app scare me? I don’t want to step back into the cowl of darkness and re-explore my demons, my darkness, my testosterone-fueled short fuse-snapping anger fits! That in itself scares me!
I live in the Bible Belt of the US! Mississippi! In a tiny little town, where I can walk about 400 feet to the public library out the front door. I can walk to the closest grocery store about 8 blocks away. In that same distance I can cut through the hospital-dedicated exercise path and reach the duck pond. Much of the things that are in this town are within walking distance. Walk across the street, same side as the house and library, and where the library sits, there’s a big white Baptist church! No joke! There’s a mental health counselor on the main street only about 5 blocks from here. (I wonder whether they can help someone like me from the LGBTQ community. If not, I can grab the information online for them to take a look and go from there. Otherwise, I’d have to go to Gulfport! That’s about a 8 hour drive, one way, and I don’t have a car!)
I am uneasy. I am nervous. I am wondering about this possible job and that I need employment; just stick to it, and I will prosper. I know all that! I want to do it my way! That’s what I want. Just really scared… I do have some anxiety with this ‘reversion’ and I’m not liking it.
Wish me luck. I’m turning in for the night… Please pray for me and we’ll see where this goes.