The Ultimate Put-Off

I have had a few offers of places to call home, but the situation I’m in still haunts me. In order for me to get it all truly started, and my journey as a transwoman to begin, I have to seek an endocrinologist through my psychologist and get my hormones prescribed. Should I start my hormone therapy and begin dressing appropriately to my new found gender role, I alienate my fiancee; I alienate my landlord; I alienate my landlord’s resident family. I want this so bad I can taste it, or so the saying goes!

No matter what I decide, I’m out on my ear. I live in the United States, in a fairly progressive state, but even the seemingly-intelligent can be so misinformed and taught to be intolerant by their peers or their own family, that it really puts a halt on my well being! Even with the offers of places to stay, I still have to “put up or shut up” about what I do to make me happy, at least for the interim, and then take the articles and possessions I have, pack them all up, and move. My TG GF is in Iowa. My sister Tina will be in Wisconsin soon, but due to their unique situations, they wont be able to have any significant company for another, at the shortest, 4 weeks, and the longest 3 months! I don’t think I can wait that long! I know suicide is not the way to go, but if I have to live any longer like I’m a prisoner in my own body, I feel that my happiness will slip away from me and I will spiral down into the deepest darkest depths my depression has ever seen … and may never come back! It truly scares me.

I need to know I’m loved, I’m wanted, I’m needed. My fiancee is just telling me “mhm” or “I know” when I tell her “I love you”. I do. There’s nothing I can do about that, because I do love her, and always will. She wants me to remain as I am, in a man’s body, in a man’s world, and stay like that, not acknowledging my own feelings and happiness in the process. She “… fell in love with a man, not a woman!” is her deal, and she’s really angering me with it. Once I start my transition path, I will not want to go back to being a man! That’s a given.

As I write this, I feel that my journey is only going to get tougher before it gets easier. That’s just Human Nature! Whatever does not kill me will make me stronger, but I don’t want to have to put aside my well being, my happiness, in order to exist as I have for over 4 decades! This is the reason I’m writing in my blog today!

I have a friend, who I set up with another friend. Her name is Lexi. We’ve had ‘history’ but oh so briefly. She loves me and I think she loves me even more now that I’ve come out. She even asked me if there was anything should happen to her beau, would you be interested. I told her I would be. I don’t want my TG GF to misunderstand, but there’s history with Lex and I love her dearly! I love my TG GF, too. It feels as if I’m in love again for the first time with her, my TG GF! That’s also how I feel with Lex! Open. Honest. Me! What do I do?

Housing wont be an issue if there’s a ‘homeless intake’ at the wellness clinic I attend for my counseling. If this is a possibility, then I could take my stuff to a friend, store it there until I can move, then gather it all up and go from there. Moving either to Wisconsin or Iowa! Something I would love to do would be to stay here, move somewhere locally, and carry on with my life. It may work, but I have to make sure I can get my ducks in a row and appease certain people! (This stuff I can’t stand, much less feel good about!)

I just wish I had more choices. I wish I had sufficient funds! I wish, as God is my witness, the strength to hold off on my hormones until I could be certain in my housing. I don’t know, once I start getting my prescriptions, if I can hold off and put off until I’m safe and secure in my housing situation…

Any advice?

~Robynn

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