I was one the phone today and talked to a young woman who helped me set up an appointment to talk to a counselor. I can’t wait! It’s after my psychologist’s appointment. My landlord may be angry with me, but its something that has to be done.
I feel that there’s something that has been gnawing away at me, it’s hard to describe, and yet feels like it should always be a part of me. There’s something welling inside of me, struggling against the grain, against the tide of oppression (or is it depression, I forget). LOL But it is something that I will have to struggle with until I can spread my wings and fly as I need to.
I need this starting point. To launch into another page of history! I want to be free of the judgement, free of the stigma and free of the ‘use what God gave you’ mentality! My fiancee doesn’t really feel wanted or loved; though I tell her many times a day. When I start my transition, I can’t be here, at ‘home’ to do it. She doesn’t want me to CD here; no makeup either; and I have to go elsewhere to CD and wear makeup… I can do it at my friend’s house, but I need to ask his mother (who is a good friend) about it, should they go out…
I need someone to assist me in this, help them to reconcile their feelings, and come to grips with what reality is going to bring: a different cover on the same package! I just wish more people would stop looking at a person’s outward appearance and love him/her for the real person he/she is. It’s the old “book cover” adage: “You can’t judge a book by it’s cover.” Too many people, mostly the uninformed, the bigots, the hatemongers, the inequality police, the ignorant, the outright left-wingers and the Bible-thumpers, believe as they believe, and will not change until we can stand up to them and tell them they’re wrong! Look People; we’re a part of the Human Race, just like you; we hurt, we bleed, we comprehend, we are just like you, but a little different from the so-called ‘normalcy of society’ and that’s what makes your blood boil, your stomach churn, your head swim, fuels your xenophobia!
I am just one man on a beautiful transition to become the woman I should have been! When I was younger, I loved tea parties, women’s shoes, skirts and makeup! My dad and step-mom never understood why I preferred being with other girls my age instead of boys. (I was only 4 or 5 at the time…) I also loved Barbie dolls and the dress up with those… My dad used to hit me, even when he was sober, whenever I mentioned seeing any female friends, and it was worse when he was drunk. I hated my dad when he was drunk! He’d tell the couple of friends that he had that would come around that I was “a fruit”, or “a queer”, or something more derogatory. About 8 or 9 years ago, I had forgiven him as he had found God many years before, and it was the right thing to do… “Forgive all transgressors and you will be forgiven your transgresses…” [I hope that’s correct… ~R]
We all strive for excellence in what ever field we choose, or in what ever tasks we endeavor to surpass. We all have demons or skeletons in our closets, some of us keep them well-hidden, some let us peek every now and again, and other let them out, straight away, and tell everyone they know what’s been eating at them… This is MY trip, my journey, my trek into the unknown, let me be in my own way and do not set forth sabotage to undermine my travels… This is the way I want to pursue it, and you are just an obstacle: I either hurdle it, go around it or go through it, and should I go through it, I’m not going to stop and ask you to move, I’m going to mow you down like the puny blade of grass you truly are! I don’t like threats… I don’t like requests… I am just stating fact. My intention, first and foremost: I am not trying to hurt you. I am trying to be who I am: myself.
Misinformation is a cruel and dangerous thing. I feel that until one knows all of the options, then you must realize that there’s more to that strange little book than meets the eye… Even a first edition of Shakespeare’s “MacBeth” would be awesome should someone find it among someone’s belongings, even at auction… Once the parcel it is in is sold, you have something that is nearly priceless. Take it to Sotheby’s or a bookshop in the UK and try to sell it there… You’ll get a better price at Sotheby’s than any other bookshop (even W.H.Smith’s, typically)! I digress. Looking at it this way you see that there’s more to someone than their outward appearance; that one book could look atrocious or have the binding nearly torn off, but it would still sell well, but better once it was repaired… This is the state I’m in: the state of disrepair! I am a shambles of what I need to be to be complete and whole! I need guidance, assistance and hope…
Where we go from here is up to us. We are not islands where we are the dictators of our lands; we are the stewards of our bodies and sometimes we have to take matters into our own hands and prepare the land for landscaping and/or planting crops. Once we start and make changes, we cannot, in our best interests, stop and just quit… The land will not till itself, will not water itself, will not harvest itself: we have to go through with our intentions, make the most of what land we have, and plant the flowers, shrubs and trees we feel will make the land more beautiful.
This is my path… What’s yours?