[This is today’s journal entry. The names of past friends have been altered to try to keep them anonymous. This reflection is about my views and my hurt. I hope you are not offended by this. Thanks. ~Robynn (Tami and L are my current ex and my landlord, respectively.)]
I had been angry today about some things that my current ex had said to me after I got back from a computer gig from a friend.
She yelled at me and said that she wasn’t confused about what’s going on with me, and she’s more afraid of what this will do to her and walling me out, than making a stride toward me to offer me some support. I give her credit, though; she’s pretty tough!
During her tirade, I left and slammed the door. It knocked part of the door off, and the pet guard from the screen (things I fixed after I had gotten back from helping my landlord run a few errands), and went to see what my landlord (L) was doing, and if I could assist. I never told him my plans, and Tami kept insisting, and fighting me to tell him. His phone rang and he fumbled for it, then it quit ringing– he missed the call– it was Tami. Not long after, Tami came over and again, this time in front of L, to tell him of my plans. He told her that we’ll have a powwow and talk about it later.
After we took care of a few errands, I ate lunch, then we took off for a few more errands. To the car dealer/body shop to have a car set up for paint, then painted. To the auction house to drop off a heat exchanger. To CompUSA to peruse the TVs and monitors and laptops! I needed to drink something, I spent $.60 and bought a Pepsi from the vending machine, walked to the restroom, and proceeded to enjoy my beverage while I took care of my refuse business… LOL That Pepsi certainly hit the spot: I was so thirsty. The caffeine was a nice boost, too. (I’m diabetic and that one soda helped to bring up my lowish blood sugar…)
We left, he dropped me off at home and headed for Walmart. I got back home (and this is when I fixed the doors), then washed up and made dinner. We spent a good chunk of the early evening talking and breathing as I wrote another entry in my blog (my A Sight for My Eyes poem, something I thought up as I sat in the bathroom, reveling in the discord and discontent I felt while contemplating more refuse business… LOL) I started in on it, Tami began talking to me again, and I was trying to keep my mind on the poem while trying to keep my ears focused on her. She was talking and asked more about dinner, and I decided to finish off my poem, still fresh in my head, then make dinner.
It wasn’t really much, some instant mashed potatoes, some chicken strips, garbanzo beans and some soy milk. Again, it wasn’t much. We started talking again, and she began to cry. I stopped to watch because she refused to allow me to touch her. She’s letting me in now, but it’s a little soon for me to do anything drastic or compromise the compromise she’s showing. I knew she was stronger than the façade she put on… I hate being correct all the time… LOL
Anyway, around 8 or 8:30, L came over and reluctantly I told him. He told me it sounds more like you’re bi-sexual than you are “whatever it was you said. … I have had some friends who had the whole sex change, hormones and surgery, and some of them regretted their decision, but the others were fine with it. … It really just depends on whether or not you have that side to you, the counselor will determine that because they’re professionals, and you need to seek the counsel of a professional, not a pill-pusher!” I told him I agreed with that assessment, then told me to “… seek out assistance at the local university’s psychiatric department to see if there’s a study I can get into for free, and have it all paid for.” I turned away slightly, bowed my head, and thought, “WTH are you saying!? Why would I waste some ‘professional’s’ time by revealing to him/her that I have been suffering from gender dysphoria for almost 27 years! and have him/her tell me that it isn’t that at all!?” He also told me that there’s hope for you and Tami, just rethink it and seek professional help. As he was leaving, I thanked him for his generous banter, but I thought that he seemed truthful and honest with his assessment of his G/T friends. I just though he was out of line about me because, even after knowing me and befriending me (and I him) for the last 12 years, that he’d have a better understanding about my feelings and how I feel about my life, in general. He wasn’t exactly correct about it, but he wasn’t exactly incorrect about it either…
I struggled with my manhood all throughout the latter half of junior high, high school, and into early college. I struggled and fought with my emotions and distress and ended up in relationships where I wanted the hurt to quell my dark depths of depression, but in the end (figuratively and literally) I ended up alienating many of my gay partners, and many of their friends. I swore off those relationships and stuck more with women, and I eventually began liking women more. Go figure… O.o I just needed something to take my mind off it all: I ended up getting into church and into a youth group. This never really dawned on me that I could live a better life, as long as I believed in God and prayed. Sometimes the church seems almighty, but ends up being just like you: confused about you and ashamed to associate with you… And that’s what happened to me for a while… But I digress.
My girlfriend at the time, K, was happy and beautiful, in an almost naughty school teacher sort of way, and I wanted to lose my virginity to her, as she lost her’s to me. That never happened and she had sexual relations with a friend of mine, Morey. He was a little taller than me, a little stronger than me, and managed to say the right things to her to get her in bed. I hated her for about a year over it. I made it a point to not talk to her when I saw her, or called her brother instead of K, because I felt she had betrayed my trust. Once night I called her up and asked her to talk. I walked to a convenient store near where I lived and she picked me up. We went to a restaurant and ordered some food and talked. (I don’t even remember the restaurant or the food… Wow! O.o) I told her how I felt and how I felt that she betrayed my trust with Morey.
K was taken aback! She told me that she never knew about my feelings for her. She seemed genuine and honest about it. I just wish I could have turned back the clock, to the point she had slept with Morey, pulled her close and asked her to “lose our virginity together”. She agreed, but it was too late… I didn’t hate her anymore, but I started to stop talking to Morey, but he knew what was up, or at least I thought he did. She told me Morey never knew about our history, and just thought we were just friends. K never told him otherwise… >_< I eventually moved away and that was that.
I had moved to Florida to be with my dad and his fiancee and her daughter. My brother J was there and living with them. J hated V’s daughter, JC, because he thought she had a crush on him. I had an encounter with V one day after school. She picked me up at school, I wasn’t set up for the school bus yet, so she dropped me off and picked me up– she was closer with her job than Dad was. She grabbed my leg and began stroking it, like I had been with my gay partners, and I started to get aroused, though she never touched me sexually. She saw me getting uncomfortable. She proposed to me a plan to get her pregnant, “you father would never know”, and “I’d have that child I want with your father.” She told me she knew of his vasectomy and that he couldn’t get her pregnant. I was thinking “If you get pregnant, won’t my dad figure you cheated on him with someone else?” I thought about it for all of two seconds and told her no. “I can’t let my dad down like that!” She had agreed and would, now and again, proposition me. I think JC found out from V that I was the one propositioning her mother. That was just so out of character for me; I was saving whatever I had left for marriage (if there was to be one). I never told my dad. I never snitched on V. They got married, I was Best Man. (I wanted to wear a dress and all, but I hated to tux someone had rented for me.) “If anyone should know or have cause to why these two should not be married, speak now, or forever hold your piece.” I so wanted to tell everyone about her indiscretions and proposals, but that would have devastated my dad, and this was his day! I zipped up quiet!
We had our ups and downs. J moved back with his mom in Iowa. I left because I got scared at school. A girl had been wondering aloud if there was a guy to take her to he dance in a few days. She sat behind me and would look at me when I came into class, then quietly sigh when I sat down… I think she had a crush on me. It scared me. I told no one that I was leaving and I packed up my clothes, computer, screen and what little money I had left, and asked V to give me a lift to the bus station. A bus ticket had been purchased for me, and I was going back to Illinois. I never told them why.
[It’s nearly 1 AM, Tuesday, 21st August and I am falling asleep here writing this. I probably finish this tomorrow, after I have some time to myself. LOL Thanks for the time you shared. U_U ^_^ ~Robynn]