Through it all, I will probably go into my feelings and emotional state (and what led me to this) in a few entries or so, I will try to persevere. I told my fiancee of 13 years, she’s female, that I have gender identity issues and I needed to seek counseling and treatment. I told her yesterday. I also told a fill-in physician at my clinic of my plight and informed her that I would like to seek counseling and treatment, as my psychologist prescribed ‘individual counseling’ and now that’s going to happen!
I received my referral today in the mail! The information I gave to Miss Nathaly, the fill-in at the clinic, was the same place that I received a phone call today. A wonderful and understanding young man (he sounded that way) by the name of Kyle answered my questions, informed me about their services, and that he reassured me that they are the only local LGBT Community Service Center for my county! I was thrilled! I went to check the mail around 3PM local time, and something for me was the only item inside: it was my referral! I immediately opened it and knew it was exactly what I needed! (Too bad my county healthcare plan doesn’t cover the costs for my counseling and treatment– it doesn’t cover any individual counseling, but it does cover most prescription costs– I hope I can get on my HRT and get those with my healthcare plan… Here’s hoping!)
I wholly and sincerely hope that this journey is bountiful and productive as my current life has been filled with uncertainty, depression and disgust. I informed many of my female friends and they support me; even my childrens’ mother (when we were betrothed, but never got married) told me she would support me and be my friend, should I need someone to talk to. I thought she never would understand; I do have to admit, I guess it’s good to have a gay father and be tolerant of such things! ^_^ I have also told a few of my male friends, and they too support me in this change-of-lifestyle. I’m thankful to them for being so open about this. ^_^ (My siblings, three sisters, may not be so open… Again, here’s hoping!)
I hope my two boys will understand the trip I must endure for my own heart and mind. I also hope they will understand that they, too, can do this and live how they need to live, not because society dictates the way they should live. I want them to be happy in all that they do: life, career, spouses and significant others, and whatever it is that they want to pursue. It’s all there! I hope they do “grab life and never let go!”
I know it’s been a bit sudden to tell my fiancee, just out of the blue, but I never really put 2 and 2 together until I began some serious research and realized that it was all about how I perceived the World, how the World perceived me, and that we were not seeing the same person. I regret not being able to see it before, maybe even before having my two sons, but maybe those events were for the best… Who am I to question destiny? Who am I to question what comes now?
I am on a path that many have tread, many more have transitioned… I am not the first, but I am definitely not the last! This is one inner victory; I’m looking for more! Once the HRT begins to shape my body, I will start to feel whole and at peace with myself– loving me as I’ve never truly done– and shaping a new life from an old shattered one!
If these words are inspiring, then take them to heart and find your place among our collective family– brother or sister– and you will feel the warmth and love we all share! Take these ideas and use them for your own growth and determination! Make every moment with your collective family, our community, a great place to be– know that you have a great support system– even when Society mocks you and tries to unnerve you!