During a tirade with my former SO, I decided that my anger and anti-SO sentiment needed to be quelled. I wrote this as a way to get the pain and the heartache out. In its entirety, it’s here. I do understand that not everything in this letter may pertain to your situation, and some SOs are more forgiving than others, so be that as it may, this letter represents the notion of allowing an out through peaceful means, and is not intended or construed to be markedly evil and callus.
Thank you for your perusal… Here’s the letter.
I came out to you because of the history we share together, through all of the trials and tribulations, the heartaches and pain, but I felt that I was never truthful to you. Not after all of these years with your health scares and surgeries to eliminate those tumors and such that were taking away your life.
I was there, completely for you, driving you to and from your appointments, to and from your check ups, to and from hospital visits, never leaving your side (unless I had to because of a surgery). I never left the waiting room; I stayed put until you came back to me.
I love you with every fiber in my being and when you tell me that I don’t and that you could never love me the way I need to be, to correct the problems I face and to support me in my greatest time of need, how selfish are you now to push me aside and tell me I’m nothing more than “confused”.
I must deal with these problems, as they come, no matter how they come. I wanted you to help me through this as I did for you. You tell me that If I loved you, I wouldn’t. How dare you tell me that! You never knew the depressions and hurt I’ve caused, the lies I told because I had to act a certain way, because of how society branded me! I nearly died that last time I tried to commit suicide and you brought me back: for that I gained a little more respect for you in my time of need.
Now that I’ve decided that I need to go through my life, living as I need to, not as society branded me, I feel that you do love me, but cannot come to grips with this life-changing decision. It not just changes you life, it changes mine, too, and without your support, I want to crawl into a hole and die! It’s as if you hate me for being honest with you. Not only does that hurt, it makes me feel that you never respected me, never really loved me, and you’re tied to the notion that people are either “male” or “female” because of their genitalia!
You won’t cope with with my dilemmas of mind and soul. You refuse to see it from my point of view; if the tables were turned, I see it for what it was, and not for what I wanted it to remain. I lost you as a confidant, a friend, a care-giver, a mutual ally, and someone I truly respected. Because you refuse to see it any other way, and have threatened to have me thrown out of the house, I feel we have nothing else to say! I am making a stand for my sexuality, and my life, and you can take it or leave it. This has never been your decision, it has always been mine, alone. I wanted to be able to tell the <gender> I love that I wanted to do this, explain in great detail what was going through my mind, and the research that led up to this point, but alas, that’s just not to be!
I thought I had your respect. I thought, at the very least, you’d lend me some moral and emotional support. You don’t even want to do that, because of you falling in love with a <writer’s gender>. You make it so difficult for me to, even now with your tirades and yelling, to respect you and to love you; things I never want to give up. You’ve given up on me as soon as I told you what I wanted to do, and you slammed the door in my face, kicked me to the curb and denied even our friendship, all because you want me to live the lie!
I can’t do that anymore! You mean more to me than Life itself! By saying these cruel and ignorant things only makes me wonder just what kind of <gender> you truly are! If you were anything like the <gender> I fell in love with so many years ago, you’d respect me and love me: no matter what I looked like!
I don’t know where to go. I have no living relatives locally. I need to find shelter in order to make my way in society as best I can, in the direction I am going. I really want this, and by yelling and screaming at me, and crying to tell me all of those wonderful, but cruel, things is just making me want to jump off the planet, never to be found!
I don’t know where to end this. I loved you for oh so long and now you’re turning your back on me. What should I do? I’m going to start on my path– the only one I can take– and start anew, with renewed self-confidence and love. I’ll find someone who will respect me for who I am, and not what my society dictated what my gender is.
With all my love,
I signed the letter, just because this could be considered a “Dear John” or “Dear Jane” letter, and wanted it to show that I still have affection for my SO, though she refuses to agree with my methods and decision.
I love you all.